Upgrade your Sexcapade with a Flight on Virgin America!

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Virgin America Flights Now Encourage Mile-High Flirting posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 6.5 (Pretty Par for the Current Course)

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Virgin America’s is implementing a new in-flight “Text and Try to Get a Perfect Stranger Drunk for Purposes of a Quickie!” system on its Los Angeles-to-Las Vegas route. You know, because people really aren’t quite perverted, rude and sleazy enough in today’s world. Also, people on airplanes don’t have a tough enough time as it is worrying about weirdo passengers potentially getting out of line and causing discomfort at 33,000 feet. And who wants to wait all of the interminably long time it takes to actually fly from LA to Vegas before going on safari for that filthy-dirty extramarital affair? No way! Get a head-start on fornication in the friendly skies, people!

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Surely Greyhound will now wish to “upgrade the sexcapade” for the benefit of America’s more economically minded travelers by launching a similar campaign. Of course, theirs won’t involve a classy Virgin America-type system of “sexting and sending a drink.” No, given society’s present trajectory I expect something more along the lines of: “Club a Hottie Over the Head and Drag ‘Em Back to the Toilet!”

Oh, wait I forgot … some people already consider that to be standard boarding procedure on Greyhound buses. No innovative marketing strategy required.

DETOX RECIPE: Frozen Hot Chocolate Ice Cubes ought to pair nicely with any new one-night (or one-hour) stand you meet in the Emergency Exit aisle!

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