Category: HazMat Headline Du Jour
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Ancient Egyptian Statue Moves By Itself In Museum Case: Curators Stumped! by JONATHAN KIERAN RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Curators of the Manchester Museum in England are flabbergasted by the way an ancient Egyptian statue appears to be moving of its own volition during the daytime within a locked glass case. One museum official even thinks the statue (representing a mummified man … Read More Devotion crosses centuries for eager Egyptian statue. #badtasteistimeless
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Iowa Man Attempts to Sell Antique Coffin on Craigslist — Complete with Skeleton! posted by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9. Rumors are circulating that this strange transaction was originally written as a MISC ROMANCE ad in the personals section of the giant “classifieds” website — further proof that the quality of online dating remains sketchy, at best, due … Read More Ever had a bone to pick with the whole #onlinedating thing? You’re not alone.
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Hubble Space Telescope Picks Up Giant Space Penguin (And Other Galactic Anomalies) by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Surely this Giant Space Penguin is yet another astrological sign of the Coming Chastisement of Creation for allowing TV Cable networks like The National Geographic Channel and The Learning Channel to devolve into putrid cesspits of showcased debauchery and human … Read More When Space Oddities Attack: #Hubble Telescope sees ALL
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Activists Target Dog-Meat Festival in China by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Can’t the Chinese just go back to eating rodents, like normal people? Can’t they lick each other’s eyeballs and call it a day?) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Behold another reason I have never had the slightest attraction to (or interest in) anything related to Chinese culture beyond, well, … Read More Don’t worry, fellow #doglovers: Doris Day & Betty White have been alerted and they are ON IT!
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Eyeball-Licking Fad Latest Proof of Japanese Insanity by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9 (Not quite as twisted as Howl’s Moving Castle … worse than seppuku) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: I’m going to be brutally honest, here. I blame the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Yes, I do. The Japanese people have never recovered and I frankly don’t think they … Read More And you think YOUR kids are bored? They’re licking #eyeballs in Japan. #headlines
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: British Man Calls Police to Complain About Ugly ‘Lady of the Evening’ CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 0 (All citizens should be as well-informed about their rights as this Birmingham gentleman when it comes to the scourge of ugliness.) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A savvy consumer of rent-by-the-hour ladyparts in Birmingham, England, arranged a business transaction involving the exchange of presumably attractive, satisfying … Read More Have you witnessed a Crime against Beauty? Don’t hesitate to call 911. #headlines #satire
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: German Bank Employee Falls Asleep on Keyboard, Accidentally Transfers Millions CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 0 (Naps are the ANSWER to cultural disintegration across the globe! Join the happy crusade!) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A few weeks back, I recall reading an article or two wherein scientists (or some other obviously bored researchers with a lot of time and government money on their … Read More Who says workplace naps won’t keep the $$$ in circulation? Job-Snoozing is THE LOOK. #headlines
Look skinny in your coffin with Seattle quack’s new “Air, Water & Sunlight” Diet! #satire #headlines
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Look Skinny in Your Coffin with Seattle Quack’s Hot New “Air, Water & Sunlight” Diet! CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9 (Today’s Emergency-Level CTQ has been assigned due to the obviously pervasive and bereft state of spiritual fulfillment currently afflicting society’s card-carrying nutjobs. We want our deranged friends and neighbors to maintain healthy nutritional regimens in this highly competitive climate of contemporary … Read More Look skinny in your coffin with Seattle quack’s new “Air, Water & Sunlight” Diet! #satire #headlines
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Amputees Brawl at Charity Soccer Match. Organizers Stumped. CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: I’m going to go out on a limb, here, and assign a CTQ of 9 to this disgraceful behavior. It was supposed to be for charity, after all. RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Two teams of amputee soccer players from the Netherlands and Belgium engaged in more than friendly competition at … Read More No Kidding: Amputees Brawl at Charity Soccer Match. (Organizers Stumped) #popculture #headlines
GOODREADS MEMBERS Click Here for a Chance to Win a Giveaway Copy of Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy by Jonathan Kieran. The Contest runs until June 10! Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE. ________________________ HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Ohio Kidnap Hero DOESN’T Want Burgers for Life posted by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 3 (Quotient could increase if he is … Read More Ohio “kidnap hero” DOESN’T want burgers for life. Aorta breathes sigh of relief. #popculture