HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Police Arrest Chicago Man for Loving His Pet Peacock, “Phyl” … To Death posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

Lock-up your macaws, your cockatoos, your ibises, your peacocks and anything with a come-hither tailfeather, friends. Our species has officially “jumped the shark” when humans are officially jumping exotic birds.

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: Not Even Quantifiable. PETA had better come out guns a-blazin’ on THIS sordid mess.

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Another day, another twisted devil-crime coming out of the Chicago area. Police are calling it “murder most fowl.”

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Is it too late to sign-up for that one-way ticket to Mars? Not for the Peacock Perv. I’m thinking of going myself, frankly. I have a feeling the atmosphere just might be a little healthier on the Red Planet.

Then again, this guy is clearly up there with George Clooney. Maybe the bird couldn’t resist. Surely an enterprising Chicago lawyer can work-up a “peacocks are tramps just asking for it” defense. (Calling all asteroids. Calling all asteroids. Earth is due for a visit. Mayday. Mayday.)

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “When and how Phyl died is unclear. But Roselle police indicated they saw the bird’s body in the garage of Beckman’s home on the night of April 28. Police had seen the bird alive at the home before that date.”

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