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HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Rich Manhattan Moms Hire Handicapped Tour Guides so Kids Can Cut Lines at Disney World! posted by Jonathan Kieran (via New York Post link)

The super-rich don’t stand in line to ride Space Mountain, honey. They roll right on in!

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 7 (Nearing the Repulsively Cynical Level of Toxicity)

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Behold another reason to curse your wretched poverty, bemoan your status as a mere peasant and fear the passel of hyper-caffeinated offspring yanking your sweaty tee-shirt and whining, “Why do WE have to wait three hours to ride Space Mountain, Daddy? Muffy Van Rothschild’s mommy hired a man with no legs, no arms and a souped-up wheelchair and they went right inside! Can we get a cripple of our own for Christmas this year?”

Just when you thought Manhattan socialites could not be any more devious when it comes to outsmarting the rest of us plebeians and maximizing their already paramount Park Avenue-proportioned privileges, we learn from the New York Post that enterprising blue-blooded trophy wives with Jackie-O hairdos and faces like the business-end of a hatchet are wiping the floor with us at Disney World. At DISNEY WORLD, for crying out loud!

It has been discovered that you’re not really rich until you can afford to hire a wheelchair-bound Handi-Capable person (with official sticker) for $1,400-a-day to hustle your future Ivy league dropouts and blushing debutantes right over The Poors as if they were nothing but crunchy pieces of trailer-park gravel and score that first available whirling saucer. Rich mothers don’t wait in lines where they can smell the odor of inferiority rising like an invisible mist from the likes of you and me. They don’t loiter with the Great Unwashed, chatting about the price of gas while people move perhaps fourteen inches forward every thirty minutes in order to get photos of their underwhelmed children spinning around in a moribund “teacup” that hasn’t been updated or upgraded since 1956. No! They’re smarter than you are, they’re wealthier than you’ll ever dream of being, and they KNOW WHERE TO FIND THE BLACK-MARKET QUADRIPLEGICS.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Of course, now that the “Disabled Disney Tour-Concierge” subculture has been exposed, Manhattan moms will be ramping-up (no pun intended) their efforts to outwit their fellow charity-ball attendees in new and innovative ways. When genuine handicapped guides become scarce, socialites will simply start hiring Sardinian thugs to kidnap and maim people to serve as permanent “props,” as their own full-time “help”. Difficult to get a great table at a trendy Upper East Side eatery? Not anymore. Just wheel-in comatose “Aunt Cindy” on a gurney, complete with IV-drip and a nurse on standby. You’ll get that table. Rich people figure things out and they take what they want. Disney Tour-Concierge Assassins. Has a certain ring to it, don’t you agree?

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “My daughter waited one minute to get on ‘It’s a Small World’ — the other kids had to wait 2 1/2 hours,” crowed one mom, who hired a disabled guide through Dream Tours Florida. “You can’t go to Disney without a tour concierge,’’ she sniffed. “This is how the 1 percent does Disney.”
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Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books …

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the special $0.99 Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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