JONATHAN KIERAN presents MONSTER MOVIES I’LL PAY TO SEE

TODAY’S FEATURE: Godzilla Vs. The Ghoul-Doxies from Planet Trollop (2014 — Script Allegedly “In Development”)

STARRING:

Godzilla (as Himself)

Kim Kardashian (as “Festerinka”)

Kris Kardashian (as “Pimpesta”)

Khloe Kardashian (as “Valtrexia”)

Ann Curry as “Mariko”

Matt Lauer as “The Arch-Chancellor of Trollop”

PLOT SYNOPSIS: The people of Japan are stricken with terror when three hideous She-Monsters from a neighboring solar system land on Mount Fuji and proceed to carve a path of wanton destruction from Tokyo to Osaka. Despite the strength of an international consortium, all military efforts prove useless against the apocalyptic and stinking behemoths. One creature (“Festerinka”) excretes great toxic rivers of burning death-grease from her rancid nether-parts, while another (“Valtrexia”) paralyzes entire cities with quills fired like venomous spears from her scabby, flaking hair follicles. The third abomination (“Pimpesta,” a creature that nerd-consultants believe to the “mother” of the other two) is able to emit what frantic scientists identify as a laser-like “Skank Ray” from her six eyes, immediately hypnotizing and compelling otherwise decent young ladies throughout Japan to rob lingerie stores at gunpoint and then hijack the Internet by flooding social media with millions of inappropriate “selfies.” This ghastliness forces parents across the islands to commit bloody seppuku out of an understandable sense of deep shame.

As scientists (and a few eager techies) race against time to find a weapon that might halt the gargantuan space-harlots in their tracks, a mysterious and highly annoying insectoid figure appears out of nowhere to speak from TV Screens, radios, smartphones and computers, claiming to be the “Arch-Chancellor of Planet Trollop.” This intergalactic fiend broadcasts his twisted alien demands to the traumatized global community: “Surrender yourselves freely to immediate slavery, Earthlings, or be forced to watch a mind-murdering sex-tape featuring all three of our monstrous Ghoul Doxies — a sex-tape that we on Planet Trollop never intended to release, of course, but seeing as it was leaked entirely by mistake, well, we thought we’d use it as part of our diabolical plot to conquer the universe and so on and so forth.”

Just as the world finds itself teetering on the brink of Doxie Doom, a soft-spoken, emotionally fragile peddler of origami swans on the streets of Hokkaido receives a vision in which the legendary “Mothra Fairies” appear and speak to her in irritating synchronicity:

“Mariko-sama! We have spoken to our beloved monster on Infant Island and Mothra says there’s no way in hell she’s going to fight these three nasty hos, but you might want to ask Godzilla. He’s been dying for a watchable reboot since 1955.”

“But how will I get in touch with a fearsome monster like Godzilla? I’m just a lowly paper-folder and I’m only doing that because I got fired from my last job after my bosses told me I was a dowdy anchorwoman who talks like a six year-old on phenobarbital.”

“Don’t worry, Mariko-san. You do have the power! And Mothra says the only reason you were fired from your job in the first place is because Zborak, the Arch-Chancellor of Trollop, is the secret owner of your former network and he’s always had it in for you!”

“That bastard! I’m going to slash his scrawny neck with a particularly razor-sharp piece of origami paper. Why didn’t he like me? I … I thought everyone liked me?”

“Oh! Don’t start to cry, please. My, you are sensitive, aren’t you? Mothra says the Arch-Chancellor hates you because you are really a changeling princess from the Planet Smarm, deep within the Nebula of Vapidity. The Smarmies have been the mortal enemies of the Trollopians for thousands of years!”

“You mean I’m a magical princess from another planet? How can this be?”

“Haven’t you ever watched any of these movies, lady?”

“Good point. So what do I do now? How do I actually summon Godzilla?”

“Go to the ocean, Princess, and lift your eyes to the southwest corner of the sky, drawing upon the telepathic powers emanating from the Nebula of Vapidity. Then spin around three times and quack like a duck.”

“Hey, I’m good at that!”

“We know. Just do as Mothra says and Godzilla will come and swiftly incinerate the Space Strumpets.”

“Awesome. Now listen — after Godzilla pummels those alien assclowns can I have my old anchorwoman job back?”

“No! You may be a magical princess but there was a reason they exiled you from Planet Smarm in the first place.”

“My own people on Smarm exiled me? Why?”

“Mothra says its because you were dowdy and talked like a six year-old on phenobarbital.”

**MORE UPDATES ON THIS EPIC “IN DEVELOPMENT” FILM AS DETAILS BECOME AVAILABLE!**

RUMORED TAGLINE: Godzilla Vs. The Ghoul-Doxies from Planet Trollop: Only one monster stands between Earth … and a stench from beyond the stars.
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