P. Allen Smith can handle any garden pest. #tohoapocalypse

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"Even the most well-tended gardens can occasionally be infested with unwelcome pests that threaten to obliterate your most prized perennials and make a mockery of the relentless toil, time and hard-earned money you have spent to make your garden really spectacular. Don't be dismayed, friends--it can happen to anyone. Even me! Let's have a look around, shall we?"

“Even the most well-tended gardens can occasionally become infested with unwelcome pests that threaten to obliterate your most prized perennials, or make a mockery of the relentless toil, time and hard-earned money you’ve spent to make everything look truly spectacular. Don’t be dismayed, friends–it can happen to anyone. Even me! Let’s have a look around, shall we?”

"Some of the most disgusting and repulsive creatures can be found hiding in the moist darkness beneath leafy patches like this one. All you have to do is rummage around you're sure to find something utterly putrid. Why, Look! I was right. Here are two of the most despicable enemies of the American garden, lurking right beneath our fingertips!"

“Some of the most disgusting and repulsive creatures imaginable can be found hiding in the moist darkness beneath leafy patches like this one. All you have to do is rummage around a bit and you’re sure to find something horrendous. Why, look. I was right. Here are two of the most common and despicable enemies of the American garden, lurking right beneath our fingertips!”

"Oh! Thank heaven you found us here! We've been hiding for days from the alien villains of Planet-X. They've implanted mind-control devices in Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra and plan to use the monsters as weapons against humanity! Will you take us to your president so we can warn him?"

“Oh! Thank heaven you found us here! We’ve been hiding from the alien agents of Planet-X for days. They’ve placed mind-control devices in Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra, and plan to use the monsters as weapons against humanity! Will you take us to your president so we can warn him?”

"He's golfing. Do you think I'm going to interrupt him for that? Hey! It looks like you two pint-sized pestilential little bastards chewed right through the roots of my primroses. The fragrance is gone, like all the beauty has been sucked right out of the world."

“He’s golfing. Do you think I’m going to interrupt him for that? Hey! You pestilential little bastards chewed right through the roots of my honeysuckle. The fragrance is gone. It’s like all the beauty and goodness has been sucked straight out of my world.”

"We were hungry and afraid of being discovered by our enemies from Planet-X! Plus, we have a bizarre tendency to gnaw upon things when we get nervous. Please forgive us. We didn't mean to harm."

“We were hungry and afraid of being discovered by our enemies from Planet-X! Plus, we have a bizarre tendency to gnaw upon things when we get nervous. It’s totally OCD. Please forgive. We didn’t mean any harm.”

"Do you two wretched bug-bites really expect me to believe that load of bull$#%t?"

“Do you two wretched bug-bites really expect me to believe that load of bull$#%t?”

"You must listen to us! We are the only ones who can save Earth from the apocalyptic doom that awaits! As a bonus, our droppings can be blended with honey to create a shampoo that will leave your fluffy blonde locks silky-smooth without the need for fancy conditioners."

“You must listen to us! We are the only ones who can save Earth from the apocalyptic doom that awaits. As a bonus, our droppings can be blended with honey to create a shampoo that will leave your blonde locks silky-smooth without the need for fancy conditioners!”

"If you also encounter honeysuckle hornworms in the garden, don't be swayed by strange stories about treacherous aliens, monsters intent upon global destruction and empty promises about miraculous hair products. These are just lies intended to distract you from the responsible care of your plants and we all know that Pantene Volumizing conditioner just can't be beat. I mean, hello!"

“If you, too, encounter honeysuckle hornworms in the garden, don’t be swayed by strange stories about treacherous aliens, monsters intent upon global destruction, or empty promises about miraculous hair products. These are just filthy lies and seductive temptations intended to distract you from the proper care of your plants. And let’s face it –we all know that Pantene Super-Volumizing conditioner just can’t be beat. I mean, hello?!??!”

No, it's true, it's true! Our poo can save your 'do. And if you heed our warning, you can thwart the monsters, too!"

“It’s true, it’s true! Our poo can save your ‘do. And if you heed our warning, you can thwart the monsters, too!”

"When vermin like this starts to ply you with little rhymes, the gardener's best defense is to rely on an old-fashioned pest-control product that is not only safe for the environment but certain to get the job done in a jiffy! I happen to have some right here in my hand. Let's put it to work, shall we?"

“When the vermin starts to ply you with little rhymes, the gardener’s best defense is to rely upon an old-fashioned pest-control product that is not only safe for the environment but certain to get the job done in a jiffy! I happen to have some here in my hand. Let’s put it to work, shall we?”

"Feel free to sprinkle liberally if your infestation is particularly virulent and annoying."

“Feel free to sprinkle liberally if your infestation is particularly virulent and annoying.”

"PLEASE! DON'T! We're the last of our kind, for God's sake!"

“PLEASE! DON’T!!!! We’re the last of our kind, for God’s sake! Don’t you want the world to survive? Don’t you believe in magic?”

"No, not really."

“No, not really.”

"And that about does it for today's show folks. Remember, when it comes to defeating  outdoor pests, it ain't no thing but a chicken wing!"

“Well, that about does it for today’s show folks. Remember: when it comes to eliminating destructive outdoor pests, it ain’t no thing but a chicken wing!”

"From the garden ... I'm Allen Smith!"

“From the garden … I’m Allen Smith!”


____________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

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