“Even the most well-tended gardens can occasionally become infested with unwelcome pests that threaten to obliterate your most prized perennials, or make a mockery of the relentless toil, time and hard-earned money you’ve spent to make everything look truly spectacular. Don’t be dismayed, friends–it can happen to anyone. Even me! Let’s have a look around, shall we?”

“Some of the most disgusting and repulsive creatures imaginable can be found hiding in the moist darkness beneath leafy patches like this one. All you have to do is rummage around a bit and you’re sure to find something horrendous. Why, look. I was right. Here are two of the most common and despicable enemies of the American garden, lurking right beneath our fingertips!”

“Oh! Thank heaven you found us here! We’ve been hiding from the alien agents of Planet-X for days. They’ve placed mind-control devices in Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra, and plan to use the monsters as weapons against humanity! Will you take us to your president so we can warn him?”

“He’s golfing. Do you think I’m going to interrupt him for that? Hey! You pestilential little bastards chewed right through the roots of my honeysuckle. The fragrance is gone. It’s like all the beauty and goodness has been sucked straight out of my world.”

“We were hungry and afraid of being discovered by our enemies from Planet-X! Plus, we have a bizarre tendency to gnaw upon things when we get nervous. It’s totally OCD. Please forgive. We didn’t mean any harm.”

“Do you two wretched bug-bites really expect me to believe that load of bull$#%t?”

“You must listen to us! We are the only ones who can save Earth from the apocalyptic doom that awaits. As a bonus, our droppings can be blended with honey to create a shampoo that will leave your blonde locks silky-smooth without the need for fancy conditioners!”

“If you, too, encounter honeysuckle hornworms in the garden, don’t be swayed by strange stories about treacherous aliens, monsters intent upon global destruction, or empty promises about miraculous hair products. These are just filthy lies and seductive temptations intended to distract you from the proper care of your plants. And let’s face it –we all know that Pantene Super-Volumizing conditioner just can’t be beat. I mean, hello?!??!”

“It’s true, it’s true! Our poo can save your ‘do. And if you heed our warning, you can thwart the monsters, too!”

“When the vermin starts to ply you with little rhymes, the gardener’s best defense is to rely upon an old-fashioned pest-control product that is not only safe for the environment but certain to get the job done in a jiffy! I happen to have some here in my hand. Let’s put it to work, shall we?”

“Feel free to sprinkle liberally if your infestation is particularly virulent and annoying.”

“PLEASE! DON’T!!!! We’re the last of our kind, for God’s sake! Don’t you want the world to survive? Don’t you believe in magic?”

“No, not really.”

“Well, that about does it for today’s show folks. Remember: when it comes to eliminating destructive outdoor pests, it ain’t no thing but a chicken wing!”

“From the garden … I’m Allen Smith!”