Midwest Book Review Gives Us Some Lovin’

With the Goodreads promotion of Confessions from the Comments Section complete and the New Year finally rolling into some semblance of high gear, your friendly, neighborhood Existential Troubadour was especially pleased to receive word about Midwest Book Review’s sparkling praise for our latest literary emanation.

Midwest Book Review has been one of the nation’s most respected and comprehensive bastions of literary criticism since the mid-1970s, when it was founded by James Cox, who still wields his scepter with aplomb as the institution’s Editor-in-Chief. Midwest has always selected books for review with great care and acuity, ever on the lookout for worthy titles–not only from houses glittering with the incandescence of New York prestige, but also from the sturdy, less extravagant domiciles arranged in hopeful suburbs across the publishing landscape. Mr. Cox’s editorial prudence and the judicious enthusiasm of his seasoned team of critics are to be commended.

Especially when they treat our work in such appreciative fashion.

Confessions from the Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop Culture Zombies, was reviewed by Midwest and will indeed appear in the January 2016 installment of their venerable publication. Behold:

Humorous and insightful, Confessions from the Comments Section is a browse to prepare one’s self for the digitally interconnected 21st century. Remember, the internet is “written in ink”; your comments today will very likely be viewable decades in the future–perhaps by a potential employer or love interest doing a background check! As funny as it is forewarning, Confessions from the Comments Section is both a showcase of what not to do while exercising one’s right to free speech online … and a sparkling prize of inspiration for crafting Internet comments that convey a valuable and memorable message. Highly recommended!

-Clint Travis, MIDWEST BOOK REVIEW, Reader’s Bookwatch/January 2016

I would like to take the opportunity to express my gratitude to the stalwart forces at Midwest Book Review for this INCONTROVERTIBLY ACCURATE and CATEGORICALLY UNASSAILABLE assessment of my work. Long may such obvious and impeccable standards of uncompromising quality be maintained amid the chaos of contemporary publishing!

Of course, if you are one of the precious few who has yet to buy the book and see what this well-deserved fanfare is all about, I urge you to click the link to Confessions from the Comments Section on the sidebar and demonstrate both your admirable good sense and your Amazon One-Click skills.

Now, I really must get hopping on that comic strip I’ve been promising for months. Hundreds are awaiting this auspicious birth with bated breath! Celebratory cigars are growing stale in their humidors as we speak! But fear not, ye watchers and ye holy ones: Zanzibar Circus is about to be born. A few more contractions and one good yank of the sardonic forceps ought to do the trick.

Patience, kittens. Patience.

~Jonathan

Only in a salon in Topanga … #CulturalIronies

"Society has gotten so vulgar that I can barely bring myself to watch the evening news these days, Sheila. Murder, mayhem, misogyny, and morons misbehaving. That's all the media seems to care about."

“Society has gotten so vulgar that I can barely bring myself to watch the evening news these days, Sheila. Skanks and sinners. Murder, mayhem, miscreants, and other morons misbehaving. That’s all the media seems to care about anymore. I tell you, it’s a scandal. There’s nothing uplifting or wholesome out there in the mainstream to nourish a girl’s intellect.”

conclusion gossip

"Thank God for dystopian steampunk BDSM vampire-erotica or I wouldn't have anything worthwhile to feed my brain. Sheesh."

“Thank God for dystopian-steampunk-BDSM-vampire-erotica or my starving brain would just shrivel up and die.”

conclusion gossip
__

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Hate when the Mormon lady critiques my selections at the movie-rental counter! #awkward

I can only imagine what the DVD/Video purveyor thinks of me when I barge into our tiny, local Mom & Pop shop on occasion and, after half an hour of milling-around and scrutinizing titles, end-up selecting a heap of the most disparate films imaginable to pile on the countertop. That’s how I roll, when it comes to film.

storeitself

Maybe (make that “Likely”) it’s just me, but I start feeling more than a tad self-conscious about the wildly diverse nature of my selections when the cheerful, lace-collared Mormon clerk, ostensibly for the sake of small-town friendliness (or perhaps for sheer lack of anything more interesting to do), feels compelled to discuss each of my viewing choices as she checks them against her computer inventory. Whatever the reason, I can’t stand it when she’s working the place and I always dread that awkward ritual. It creates uncomfortable scenes, because then I feel obligated to explain my picks. Why can’t she just go hunt my movies down in the back room, ring the damn things up, and stare in malignant silence as if every customer were a pestilential inconvenience, like the teenagers do when they work the counter? But noooooo:

“Oh! I see you’ve rented Chariots of Fire! Now, isn’t that just one of the great classics that doesn’t seem to get the appreciation it deserves these days? So full of humanity. So rich in moral triumph. So inspiring!”

“Um … Yeah. It’s … well, it’s a truly archetypal elucidation of the brutal courage of the human spirit captured in one incomparable cinematic narrative.”

“Oh, I’ll say it is! And look at this. You’ve also picked … Why, it’s House of 1000 Corpses. Well, now, that’s a startling image on the cover there, isn’t it? With a sort of skinned skull staring out from what looks like a kind of mucous membrane, or possibly the lining peeled from someone’s eviscerated intestines. And then there’s that rivulet of blood dribbling down onto the woman’s heaving breasts, there. Hmmm. Now. Isn’t that something.”

vidlady

“I … er … um … it’s … uh … one of Rob Zombie’s productions and I … well … for me he seems to grasp, by his unique use of imagery, certain otherwise overlooked aspects of the metaphysical quandary posed by the graphic depiction of human slaughter, and I … um …”

“Oh, sure. Sure! That quandary. Well, we all wonder about that, don’t we? Sure we do. Okie-dokie, let’s have a looky-loo at what else you’ve got in this stack today? Awww … Anne of Green Gables! That’s just one of the most adorable and wholesome stories ever told, what with Colleen Dewhurst as ‘Marilla’ and Richard Farnsworth as ‘Matthew’ and that wonderful little girl–I forget what the heck her name is–who played ‘Anne.’ This must be for your little girl at home! Oh, how old is your little girl? She’s going to love this! You know, I played this for my daughters when they were about eight or nine and it opened up a whole new world of imagination and reading for them. Why, it was just …”

anne marilla

“Um. Well, I don’t have a daughter, you see, I … um …”

“Oh?”

“No, I … see … I grew up only five miles from the Canadian border, and this series was filmed in Canada when I was still a kid, where the story itself originated, and the program was pretty much a cultural phenomenon for anyone remotely connected with Canada. Like a national treasure, really, and huge? Whah! Man, it was Star Wars huge … I mean, if you were Canadian, or pseudo-Canadian, so … um … the movie possesses a considerable nostalgic value for people like me who grew-up around the place and time it was made, therefore I like to revisit that sort of …”

“Of course you do. Sure! I understand. Look, we’ve all got our touchstones, right? Personally, I couldn’t watch a movie featuring that lovely Green Gables farm and then switch right over to a house full of a million corpses, but to each his own, I say.”

“It’s … um … a thousand corpses.”

“What?”

“A thousand corpses. It’s House of 1000 Corpses. Not a million. I mean, that’d be a lot of corpses for one house, don’t you think? Still, I could envision a thousand corpses being contained in just one house, depending upon how they were stacked and stored, mind you. Now, take a house like Anne’s at Green Gables, you know? That house, to me, could hold a thousand corpses, no problem, what with the upstairs bedrooms and that cute little parlor, there, where Anne invites Diana Barry over for tea and there follows the ill-fated Raspberry Cordial incident? Yeah, you could stuff some bodies in that room. Not to mention Marilla’s root cellar, which is only alluded to, I realize. And then there’s Matthew’s barn, but then I suppose you get into the question of whether the barn can be considered a part of the actual house or merely as a dependency of the house, and that’s a matter of debate, so when it comes to corpses and storing them …”

“I … I see. Yes. Yes, I absolutely understand. It’s … it’s … it’s a question of space, really, isn’t it?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“Well, um … heh heh. Let me go and find these videos for you and I’ll be right back as soon as I can …”

“Wait, you forgot these last two I’d like to rent!”

“There’s more, are there?”

“Yeah. I’ve got Fried Green Tomatoes with Kathy Bates and Jessica Tandy, and … oh, yeah–John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. You know, where Divine eats the dog turd in the climactic scene?”

divine

“I … uh … (gulp). Say, have you ever considered Netflix, sir? I hear they have some wonderful services for the viewer of exceptionally eclectic tastes.”

“But don’t you want my business as a small-town video emporium struggling to compete with the corporate monoliths that threaten your very livelihood?”

“Oh, sure. Sure! I’ll get this line-up of movies for you today, no worries, but you should know that the owners are about to retire from the business.”

“My gosh, really? When?”

“This afternoon.”

“This afternoon?! Uh … I had no idea. No one in town has said anything. When did this decision come about?”

“Today.”

“I see. I suppose it’s going to take you awhile to find all of these movies in your stock room, huh?”

“Probably, sir.”

“So, I’ll have time to, say, run over to the corner market and pick up a few things while you look, won’t I?”

vidlady

“Probably, sir.”

“And the door to the shop will be locked and the ‘CLOSED’ sign’ll be in the window when I get back, won’t it?”

“Definitely, sir.”

P. Allen Smith can handle any garden pest. #tohoapocalypse

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"Even the most well-tended gardens can occasionally be infested with unwelcome pests that threaten to obliterate your most prized perennials and make a mockery of the relentless toil, time and hard-earned money you have spent to make your garden really spectacular. Don't be dismayed, friends--it can happen to anyone. Even me! Let's have a look around, shall we?"

“Even the most well-tended gardens can occasionally become infested with unwelcome pests that threaten to obliterate your most prized perennials, or make a mockery of the relentless toil, time and hard-earned money you’ve spent to make everything look truly spectacular. Don’t be dismayed, friends–it can happen to anyone. Even me! Let’s have a look around, shall we?”

"Some of the most disgusting and repulsive creatures can be found hiding in the moist darkness beneath leafy patches like this one. All you have to do is rummage around you're sure to find something utterly putrid. Why, Look! I was right. Here are two of the most despicable enemies of the American garden, lurking right beneath our fingertips!"

“Some of the most disgusting and repulsive creatures imaginable can be found hiding in the moist darkness beneath leafy patches like this one. All you have to do is rummage around a bit and you’re sure to find something horrendous. Why, look. I was right. Here are two of the most common and despicable enemies of the American garden, lurking right beneath our fingertips!”

"Oh! Thank heaven you found us here! We've been hiding for days from the alien villains of Planet-X. They've implanted mind-control devices in Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra and plan to use the monsters as weapons against humanity! Will you take us to your president so we can warn him?"

“Oh! Thank heaven you found us here! We’ve been hiding from the alien agents of Planet-X for days. They’ve placed mind-control devices in Godzilla, Rodan and Mothra, and plan to use the monsters as weapons against humanity! Will you take us to your president so we can warn him?”

"He's golfing. Do you think I'm going to interrupt him for that? Hey! It looks like you two pint-sized pestilential little bastards chewed right through the roots of my primroses. The fragrance is gone, like all the beauty has been sucked right out of the world."

“He’s golfing. Do you think I’m going to interrupt him for that? Hey! You pestilential little bastards chewed right through the roots of my honeysuckle. The fragrance is gone. It’s like all the beauty and goodness has been sucked straight out of my world.”

"We were hungry and afraid of being discovered by our enemies from Planet-X! Plus, we have a bizarre tendency to gnaw upon things when we get nervous. Please forgive us. We didn't mean to harm."

“We were hungry and afraid of being discovered by our enemies from Planet-X! Plus, we have a bizarre tendency to gnaw upon things when we get nervous. It’s totally OCD. Please forgive. We didn’t mean any harm.”

"Do you two wretched bug-bites really expect me to believe that load of bull$#%t?"

“Do you two wretched bug-bites really expect me to believe that load of bull$#%t?”

"You must listen to us! We are the only ones who can save Earth from the apocalyptic doom that awaits! As a bonus, our droppings can be blended with honey to create a shampoo that will leave your fluffy blonde locks silky-smooth without the need for fancy conditioners."

“You must listen to us! We are the only ones who can save Earth from the apocalyptic doom that awaits. As a bonus, our droppings can be blended with honey to create a shampoo that will leave your blonde locks silky-smooth without the need for fancy conditioners!”

"If you also encounter honeysuckle hornworms in the garden, don't be swayed by strange stories about treacherous aliens, monsters intent upon global destruction and empty promises about miraculous hair products. These are just lies intended to distract you from the responsible care of your plants and we all know that Pantene Volumizing conditioner just can't be beat. I mean, hello!"

“If you, too, encounter honeysuckle hornworms in the garden, don’t be swayed by strange stories about treacherous aliens, monsters intent upon global destruction, or empty promises about miraculous hair products. These are just filthy lies and seductive temptations intended to distract you from the proper care of your plants. And let’s face it –we all know that Pantene Super-Volumizing conditioner just can’t be beat. I mean, hello?!??!”

No, it's true, it's true! Our poo can save your 'do. And if you heed our warning, you can thwart the monsters, too!"

“It’s true, it’s true! Our poo can save your ‘do. And if you heed our warning, you can thwart the monsters, too!”

"When vermin like this starts to ply you with little rhymes, the gardener's best defense is to rely on an old-fashioned pest-control product that is not only safe for the environment but certain to get the job done in a jiffy! I happen to have some right here in my hand. Let's put it to work, shall we?"

“When the vermin starts to ply you with little rhymes, the gardener’s best defense is to rely upon an old-fashioned pest-control product that is not only safe for the environment but certain to get the job done in a jiffy! I happen to have some here in my hand. Let’s put it to work, shall we?”

"Feel free to sprinkle liberally if your infestation is particularly virulent and annoying."

“Feel free to sprinkle liberally if your infestation is particularly virulent and annoying.”

"PLEASE! DON'T! We're the last of our kind, for God's sake!"

“PLEASE! DON’T!!!! We’re the last of our kind, for God’s sake! Don’t you want the world to survive? Don’t you believe in magic?”

"No, not really."

“No, not really.”

"And that about does it for today's show folks. Remember, when it comes to defeating  outdoor pests, it ain't no thing but a chicken wing!"

“Well, that about does it for today’s show folks. Remember: when it comes to eliminating destructive outdoor pests, it ain’t no thing but a chicken wing!”

"From the garden ... I'm Allen Smith!"

“From the garden … I’m Allen Smith!”


____________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

#Carnivores retaliate for Iowa “butter-cow” desecration. #worldnews

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

Police say horrifying vegetable-murders were acts of retaliation for vegan desecration of beloved Iowa State Fair butter-cow.

Police say horrifying vegetable-murders were acts of retaliation for vegan desecration of beloved Iowa State Fair butter-cow.

In what is being termed “a brutal act of despicable retaliation” for a recent vegan attack on the Iowa State Fair’s traditional Butter-Cow, a group of carnivores slaughtered an assortment of innocent vegetables that were kidnapped on Monday evening from the Frail & Pale Café –a popular vegan bistro– in downtown Dubuque. The grisly murders were apparently committed by cover of night on the steps of City Hall itself, and a note was left by the presumed perpetrators, warning vegans that: “… this is only the beginning, you willowy freaks! For the honor of Butter-Cows across the globe, we will be unleashing an apocalypse of vegetable butchery unprecedented in the annals of history. The torture and pain experienced by your beloved comrades will know no limits. Asparagus shall be shocked! Beans shall be baked! Onions shall be diced! Tomatoes shall be quartered! Our knives will plunge without mercy into every artichoke heart we can get our hands upon! The very rivers will run red with ratatouille! You’ve messed with the wrong butter-loving psychopaths, you anemic bastards!”

While no specific carnivore activist group has stepped forward to claim responsibility for this heinous crime against plant-life, investigators have their eyes on a number of militant factions and intend to round-up suspects for questioning in the next few days. Meanwhile, Rain Softsparrow, 29, the owner of the Frail & Pale Café, lamented the gruesome fate of her beloved friends:

"The cops showed me photos of the crime scene, you know? To see if I could, like, identify any of the victims. Oh my God, it was a nightmare. [sniff.] I've never seen so much carnage, so much wanton cruelty. Yeah, I recognized my friends amid the heaps of relentless gore. There was Ryan, a zucchini squash who had been with us for so long. So wise and centered, spiritually. Just freakin' disemboweled, man! And poor Laura's seeds were strewn throughout the slaughter --she was a bell pepper we all loved and respected. Total angel. God, I can still hear the screams of the asparagus siblings in my mind! And for what? Some vile capitalist abomination like the Iowa butter cow? Insane! This will haunt me forever. If I had, like, anything solid in my stomach to throw-up, I would, like, blow serious chunks ... just thinking about the bloodlust. I'm scarred for life, dude. How could anyone not be, you know? Doctors have already put me on a regimen of iron supplements just to cope. [sniff. sniff.] I only hope that, you know, they catch the people who did this and, like, kill them, you know? Kill them and their wives and their babies. Excuse me, I have to lay down for a minute. I'm a little dizzy. I only had an air smoothie for breakfast." [sniff.]

“The cops showed me photos of the crime scene, you know? To see if I could, like, identify any of the victims. Oh my God, it was a nightmare. [sniff.] I’ve never seen so much carnage, so much wanton cruelty. Yeah, I recognized my friends amid the heaps of relentless gore. There was Ryan, a zucchini squash who had been with us for so long. So wise and centered, such a spiritual force in our circle. And there he was, just freakin’ disemboweled, man! And poor Laura’s seeds were strewn throughout the slaughter –she was a bell pepper we all loved and respected. Total angel. God, I can still hear the screams of the asparagus sisters in my mind! And for what? Some vile capitalist abomination like the Iowa butter-cow? Insane! This’ll haunt us all forever. If I had, like, anything solid in my stomach to throw-up, I would, like, blow serious chunks … just thinking about the bloodlust. I’m scarred for life, dude. How could anyone not be, you know? Doctors have already put me on a regimen of iron supplements just to cope. [sniff. sniff.] I only hope that, you know, they catch the people who did this and, like, kill them, you know? Kill them and their wives and their babies. Excuse me, I have to lay down for a minute. I’m a little dizzy. I only had an air smoothie for breakfast.” [sniff.]

Pop HazMat will continue to follow this terrifying story as new evidence emerges and as the investigation continues. Photos from the crime scene are featured below, but we warn you: THESE IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING.

Forensic specialists are analyzing the murder weapon (upper left), which was left at the scene of these incomprehensible dismemberments. Victims' full names are being withheld pending results of dental records, DNA tests and the notification of next-of-kin.

Forensic specialists are analyzing the murder weapon (upper left), which was left at the scene of these incomprehensible dismemberments. Victims’ full names are being withheld pending results of DNA tests and the notification of next-of-produce.

Emergency Technicians and forensic detectives gather victims in body-bags for transport to the Medical Examiner's lab.

Emergency Technicians and forensic detectives perform the grisly task of gathering victims in body-bags for immediate transport to the Medical Examiner’s lab.


___________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

“Arm your Feet for the Good of the Future” with #LasSuperChanclas

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

Behold the Vision of Horror that every disobedient Latino child will see in their worst nightmares for years to come! Listen up, frustrated abuelitas! These tricked-out chanclas are a hard-working Latina mom's SWEETEST DAYDREAM. Take pride in knowing that nothing is beyond the scope of your disciplinary power and irrefutable authority when you stalk the floors of your well-swept home in a set of these dazzling beauties. Smart-mouthed children will quail in fear at the sound of these stealth-weapons whirring through the air towards their vulnerable heads! Moody husbands shall run for cover when you so much as reach toward the ground! Even burglars will think twice before entering a house where a woman is known to wield a Super-Chancla! Don't wait, Ladies. "Arm your Feet for the Good of the Future" with Las Super-Chanclas! [Available now at Macy's. $29.99 while supplies last. Adjustable super-sonic heels and patented Lacerating Rhinestone Side-Studs sold separately.]

Behold the Vision of Horror that every disobedient Latino child will see in his worst nightmares for years to come! Listen up, frustrated abuelitas! These tricked-out chanclas are a hard-working Latina mom’s SWEETEST DAYDREAM. Take pride in knowing that nothing is beyond the scope of your disciplinary power and irrefutable authority when you stalk the floors of your well-swept home in a set of these dazzling beauties. Smart-mouthed children will quail in fear at the sound of these stealth-weapons whirring through the air towards their vulnerable heads! Moody husbands shall run for cover when you so much as reach toward the ground! Even burglars will think twice before entering a house where a woman is known to wield a Super-Chancla! Don’t wait, Ladies. “Arm your Feet for the Good of the Future” with Las Super-Chanclas! [Available now at Macy’s. $29.99 while supplies last. Adjustable super-sonic heels and patented Lacerating Rhinestone Side-Studs sold separately.]

_________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

When Downton faced Toho … #trulywarped

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"Oh, Granny! You're back from holiday in the Orient and I just know you brought me something simply marvelous. What's in that darling box? Do show me or I shall be forced to chew my fingers to bloody stumps with anticipation!"

“Oh, Granny! You’re back from holiday in the Orient and I just know you brought me something simply marvelous. What’s in that darling box? Do show me or I shall be forced to chew my fingers to bloody nubs for sheer anticipation.”

"Oh, yes, my dear Mary, there's something in this box that I'm quite certain you'll find amusing. I picked them up when our ship was forced to anchor overnight because our drunken Greek captain had locked himself in the loo with a bottle of ouzo and refused to come out, for whatever reason. We were near a beastly little island in the Pacific and lunched on a most dreadful beach to pass the time. That's where I found these two running around, making all sorts of fuss, and I thought, "Oh! Mary would just love to have a matching set of these to prop against her vanity mirror or something, so I scooped them up and put them in my bag. Have a look!"

“Yes, Mary, there’s something in this box I’m certain you’ll find amusing. You see, the ship was forced to drop anchor because our swarthy Greek captain locked himself in the loo, again, with a bottle of ouzo, a scullery maid and an eggplant, and refused to come out. We were near a beastly little island in the Pacific and decided to explore the beach for our pleasure, just to pass the time. That’s where I found these two running around, making quite the fuss, and I thought, “Oh! Mary would just love to have a matching set like this to prop against her vanity mirror! So I scooped them up and put them in my bag. They’re most exotic and interesting, though one of the little wretches did try to bite me on the leg. Have a look!”

"Please help us, Miss! An old, wrinkled She-monster with breath as foul as Godzilla kidnapped us from our sacred island and shoved us into a bag full of soiled undergarments!"

“Please help us, Miss! An old, wrinkled She-monster with breath as foul as Godzilla kidnapped us from our sacred island and shoved us into a bag full of soiled undergarments!”

"See here! Stop babbling such nonsense. Those undergarments were just a trifle damp due to your abominably humid weather. They were perfectly clean!"

“See here! Stop babbling such nonsense, you two. Those undergarments were just a bit humid due to your abominable weather. Otherwise, they were perfectly clean.”

"No! They smelled of 'old lady' something awful. We nearly suffocated!"

“Clean? They smelled of ‘old lady’ so bad that we nearly suffocated!”

"Oh, what cheek! Suffocation? I'll give you suffocation. Carson, fetch me a bottle of lye!"

“Oh, what cheek! Suffocation? I’ll give you suffocation. Carson, fetch me a bottle of lye!”

"Granny, they're brilliant! Why, I could pin them onto that new ostrich-feather clutch Mother bought me, or perhaps use them as hair combs. Can I really keep them for my very own?"

“Granny, they’re brilliant! Why, I could pin them onto that new ostrich-feather clutch Mother bought me in London, or perhaps use them as hair combs. Can I really keep them?”

"Yes, of course, my darling, but they can be as irritating as mosquitos and who knows what manner of diseases they may carry? I do suggest you have them coated with wax or perhaps gutted and stuffed like proper ornamental accessories. I know of a splendid taxidermist in Ripon."

“Yes, of course, my darling, but as you can see, they are as irritating as mosquitos and who knows what manner of diseases they carry? I do suggest you have them coated with wax or perhaps gutted and stuffed like proper ornamental accessories. I know of a perfectly splendid taxidermist in Ripon.”

"I don't suppose you brought me a box full of interesting little fairy-women from Japan, did you, Granny?"

“I don’t suppose you brought me a box full of interesting little fairy-women from Japan, did you, Granny?”

"Really, Edith. Do stop whining. Must you always be so competitive with your sister? You know that I already gave you a perfectly suitable present for your birthday last year."

“Really, Edith. Do stop wheedling. Must you always be so competitive with your sister? You know that I already gave you a perfectly suitable present for your birthday last year.”

"Mice. Two brown, boring little field-mice in a shoebox. Mary gets magical miniature Asian people from mysterious islands, but it's always mice for plain old Edith, isn't it?" [sniff. sniff.]

“Yes. Mice. Two brown, boring little field-mice in a shoebox. Mary gets magical miniature Asian people from mysterious islands, but it’s always mice for plain old Edith, isn’t it?” [sniff. sniff.]

"Oh, put a lid on it, already, Edith. Do you really think we expect you to care for fairy-women in the proper manner? You couldn't even manage the mice Granny was kind enough to give you! I found them shriveled-up and dead in your room last week, for God's sake."

“Oh, put a lid on it, already, Edith. Do you really think we expect you to care for foreign fairy-women properly? You don’t even know what such creatures might like to eat. You couldn’t even manage those mice Granny was kind enough to give you! I found them shriveled-up and dead in your room last week, for God’s sake.”

"It wasn't my fault, I tell you! Those mice would only eat Stilton but that bitch Mrs. Patmore refused to give me anything but cheddar. Of course the miserable things starved!" [Buh-hoo huh huh-hoo hoo ...]

“It wasn’t my fault, I tell you! Those rodents would only eat Stilton, but that bitch Mrs. Patmore refused to give me anything except cheddar to feed them. Of course the miserable things starved!” [Buh-hoo huh huh-hoo hoo …]

"All the same, you're not to go anywhere near Mary's fairies, Edith. Quite frankly, my girl, I wouldn't trust you to keep a dust-bunny up to snuff."

“All the same, Edith, you’re not to go anywhere near Mary’s fairies, is that understood? Quite frankly, my girl, I wouldn’t trust you to keep the dust-bunnies in your closet from cannibalizing each other out of hunger.”

"Hello? Please listen, insufferable Englishwomen. We don't think any of you realize how much danger you are in. Mothra is on his way to Downton and he means business!"

“Hello?!?! Down here! Please listen to us, insufferable aristocratic Englishwomen! We don’t think any of you realize how much danger you are in. Mothra is on his way to Downton and he means business!”

"Good heavens, that sounds serious. What's a 'Mothra,' Granny? Do you know?"

“Good heavens, that sounds serious. What’s a ‘Mothra,’ Granny? Do you happen to know?”

"Why, I haven't the foggiest. The late Earl of Grantham and I once knew a Doctor and Mrs. Mothra in Punjab, but they are hardly the type of people to be received at Downton, I assure you."

“Why, I haven’t the foggiest. The late Earl of Grantham and I once knew a Doctor and Mrs. Mothra in Punjab, but they were hardly the type of people to ever be received at Downton, I assure you.”

"Silence! Hear me now, O chattering Imperialist She-beasts! Mothra is the god of our sacred island, a gargantuan caterpillar that will wriggle across mountain, valley, desert and ocean to avenge us, laying waste to your ostentatious home and all who dwell herein."

“Silence, O chattering Imperialist She-beasts! Mothra is the god of our sacred island –a gargantuan caterpillar that will wriggle across mountain, valley, desert and ocean to avenge us, laying waste to your ostentatious home and all who dwell herein. We have already summoned him with our telepathic bongo-chant!”

"Giant caterpillars at Downton?! I call that most unacceptable."

“Giant caterpillars at Downton?! I call that most unacceptable.”

"But what can we do to stave off the horror of this impending disaster, Granny?"

“But what can we possibly do to stave-off the horror of such impending disaster, Granny?”

"Perhaps we could sacrifice Lady Edith. Perhaps that would appease this Mothra-person our sneaky little fairies have summoned?"

“We could sacrifice Lady Edith. Perhaps that would appease this Mothra-person our sneaky little bits of fairy-trash have so rudely summoned?”

"Fat chance on that plan. Mothra doesn't want your throwaways."

“Fat chance on that plan, Lady. Mothra doesn’t want your throwaways.”

"Buuhaagh! [sniff. sniff.] Not even good enough to be eaten by a #&!*ing Japanese rubber bloody freaking caterpillar-monster!!! [Buhhaaghh!]"

“Buuhaagh! [sniff. sniff.] Not even good enough to be eaten by a #&!*ing rubber bloody #&@*ing Japanese caterpillar-monster!!!” [Buhhaaghh!]

"Well that settles it. There's only one thing left to do. Edith, seeing as you are of no use to us as a sacrifice, would you be so kind as to do the honors?"

“Well that settles it. We have no other recourse. Edith, seeing as you are of absolutely no use to us whatsoever as a sacrifice, would you be so kind as to do the honors?”

step

NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!"

NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo! Not the foot! Look out, she’s got serrated bunions!”

"OH! I say, Edith. Well done. Brilliant idea, Granny, but do you really think it will stop the monster?"

“OH! I say, Edith. Well done. Brilliant idea, Granny, but do you really think it will stop the monster?”

"Probably not, my dear, but you must admit it was rather satisfying to watch their little brains being smushed-out by Edith's large and ungainly clodhopper. [sigh] At least your sister is good for something. Anyone else up for tea? This monster business has made me a bit peckish."

“Probably not, my dear, but you must admit it was rather satisfying to watch their little brains being smushed-out of their heads by Edith’s large and ungainly clodhopper. [sigh] At least your sister is good for something. Now … is anyone else up for a spot of tea? All this monster business has made me a bit peckish.”

TO BE CONTINUED …

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While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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