So a five-foot alligator was found in the belly of an 18-foot python in the Florida Everglades. Presumably, the python’s belly had to be slit open in order for rangers to make this discovery. How unfair. That python didn’t stand a chance of getting away, what with the 200-lb. meal stuck in its craw. That would slow anybody down. Taking inspiration from my previous post, imagine if Madonna swallowed Lady Gaga whole. Gaga’s only five feet tall, at best, and Madonna is always famished for something, apparently. I’m certain she could disengage her jawbone or whatever it is other serpents do and slowly consume her dwarfish pop rival, though the Germanotti schnoz might be tough to get down. Then she wouldn’t be able to move for at least four or five days, probably stuck on the floor of some bathroom near the toilet (where she had caught Gaga unawares in the first place.)

Poor Madonna would be be a sitting duck! Or, for those of cannibalistic tastes (which are evidently making something of a trendy “comeback”) Madonna would be a Turducken.

I know that I am not very lively after, say, a Thanksgiving feast. In fact, that would be an ideal time for any of us to be caught and dissected by curious specialists keen to grasp the mechanics of digestion. How fast can you slither away after all the cranberry sauce has been slurped-up and the sage stuffing has been ravaged? Be forewarned and keep one eye open as you snore, sprawled in your favorite chair by the crackling fire this holiday season. There is apparently no mercy for those who enjoy a good, well-earned gorge.

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