Giant Bavarian Cream Spiders

Oh, give me a break. At least twice a year, some little market in England or Europe thrusts itself into the news because the large, gangly corpse of a South American wandering spider is discovered stuck between some buxom Frau’s bananas.

I don’t know why European importers don’t frisk their fruit properly before it gets off the boat, but, yes, a massive, dead arachnid will occasionally show-up in Gretel’s bag of kiwis or plantains. She screams, “Mein Gott in Himmel!” drops her bag containing 47 different varieties of bread, clasps her enormous Aryan bosoms and threatens to faint.

But it’s much ado about zilch. The spindly, deceased spider captured so breathlessly in this article was not one of the notoriously venomous members of the Phoneutria species. It was just a hairy jungle spider. Even if it had been alive, the most it could do is leap upon Brunhilde’s Bazooms, bite her on the Munich Melons and she would have grabbed it in her fingers, smushed it to grease, and continued with her shopping, gathering items to make apfelkuchken. Trust me: I know my bountifully breasted German women and they are NOT to be messed with. Beautiful and bodacious, they can crush any unwanted pest between their sumptuous Gazungas and mosey on into the flammkuchen aisle with nary a blink.

Of course, a couple of neurotoxic Brazilian Wandering Spiders have bitten or flung themselves at English chefs and grocery shoppers over the past ten years, but who, at this point, wouldn’t bite the English? Maybe Haz & Meggles need to take their whining grievances to Brazil and spread their Gospel of peace, reconciliation, harmony, balance, independence, centeredness, forgiveness, new beginnings, and self-responsibility to an audience of locals infested with Phoneutria spiders.

I’m sure that the first one that leaps up and bites Meggles would keel over and die after exposure to a far more potent and horrendous toxicity, and the one that skitters onto the top of Haz’s head and gets tangled in his failing wisps of pubic curls will bite his scalp and merely end up more stupid than it was before it bit the dimwitted sonofabitch.

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