Jonathan Kieran

AUTHOR, ILLUSTRATOR, EXISTENTIAL INTERROGATOR

Jonathan Kieran

Wiping Howards End? A Vignette of Cultural Decline

“Listen to this, everyone! Oxford scientists calculate that, given the current epidemic of blithering stupidity and the ongoing plunge of attention-spans toward a state of widespread catatonia, 99% of the human population will soon be intellectually incapable of producing the specific series of coordinated movements required to wipe their own arse-holes!” 

"My word, Helen, that is most distressing news to hear so soon after tea. Tell me, do the scientists mention anything about Google perhaps inventing some sort of device capable of wiping such an inordinately large number of arse-holes on behalf of these poor disabled individuals?"
 “My word, Helen, that is most distressing news. You really could have saved it until after tea. Tell me, do the scientists mention anything about Google perhaps inventing some sort of future device capable of wiping such an inordinately large number of unclean arse-holes on behalf of these individuals?”
"Not a word, Meg. In fact, some researchers indicate that every family already has at least one member who has secretly lost the cognitive ability to wipe. Good gracious, Meg, it could be any of us!"
 “Not a word, Meg. In fact, some researchers indicate that most families now have at least one member who’s already lost the cognitive ability to wipe. Good gracious, Meg, it could be any one of us!”
"Well, I can assure you it isn't I. My faculties are as lively as ever and things are ship-shape and Bristol fashion with my bum. Perhaps it's Tibby."
 “Well, I can assure you it is not I. My mental faculties are as lively as ever, and, if you really must know, my bum has always been ship-shape and Bristol fashion. Clean as a pennywhistle. No odd business down there. Perhaps it’s Tibby.”
"NO, Meg! Not our poor, dear sweet Tibby!"
 “NO, Meg! Not our poor, dear sweet Tibby! He can’t possibly become one of the great unwiped! I can’t bear to think of it.”
"We must brace ourselves for the eventuality, Helen. And if 99 percent of the population is destined to suffer such a repulsive form of decline, then we must do everything in our power to remain firmly in the fragrant 1 percent."
 “I’m afraid we must brace ourselves for every eventuality, Helen. And if 99 percent of the population is truly destined to suffer such a repulsive form of decline, then we must do everything in our power to remain firmly rooted in the fragrant one percent.”
"The One Percent, Meg? Isn't that rather politically unfashionable?"
 “The One Percent, Meg? But … isn’t that rather politically unfashionable?”
"Would you prefer the alternative, Helen? It will be most squishy."
 “Would you prefer the alternative, Helen? I promise you it shall be most squishy indeed.”
"The One Percent it shall be, then. But what about the others, Meg? Our friends. Our neighbors. The grocer who handles our peaches. The cook who bakes our scones. How shall we ever go on in such a dreadfully incontinent world?"
 “Good heavens! One Percent it shall be, then. But what about the others, Meg? Our friends. Our neighbors. The grocer who handles our peaches. How shall we ever go on in such a dreadfully incontinent world?”

 “The same way we always have, my darling—by holding each other close and cherishing every moment as if it were going to be our last. Now … Tibby, darling. Would you kindly walk away from us and go stand in another room until Helen and I have found a new place to live? There’s a luv.”

—————

[A scintillating new shocker-of-a-novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for major release in Spring 2024 so clear your calendars, book lovers. This one is built for speed. Stay tuned for more … ]

#HowardsEnd #CulturalDecline #SchlegelGirls #CleanWipes #AuthorJonathanKieran #JonathanKieran #WriterJonathanKieran #CaliforniaLife #OnTheEdge #NewNovel #JonathanKieranTheAuthor #JonathanKieranMusic #JonathanKieranArtist #Jericho #JonathanKieranJericho #JerichoAlbum #WritersOfInstagram #ArtistsOfInstagram #AuthorsOfInstagram #PopCulture #RandomCommentary #SatiricalAttitudes

Leave a comment