Jonathan Kieran

1957’s cult-classic monster movie, THE GIANT CLAW, must represent the nadir of postwar American schlock-horror crapfests. In an era that gave us such delectable celluloid farts as The Killer Shrews, Attack of the Giant Leeches, and Ed Wood’s putrescent Plan Nine From Outer Space, cinematic connoisseurs would be remiss if they were hesitant to include The Giant Claw among that aforementioned gallery of legendary stinkbombs. In fact, I shall go out on a limb and rank The Giant Claw neck-and-neck with Plan Nine as the greatest absurdity ever committed to film.

These matters are subjective of course, but The Giant Claw holds its own with the worst in every department. Inane dialogue? Check. Z-Grade thespians? Check. Preposterous plot-line? Check. Impoverished production values? Check. A “monster” your two year-old kid could probably make more convincingly with a few items from the kitchen and perhaps a bit of roadkill? CHECK, CHECK, AND DOUBLE-CHECK!

The premise of The Giant Claw is straightforward: a retarded-looking rubber bird that appears to be the mixed-race offspring of a syphilitic buzzard and an elderly turkey arrives “from space” after 17,000,000 million years of doing Lord-knows-what in space and begins to torment the denizens of earth. Toy aircraft are demolished. Krazy-Glued skyscrapers are wrecked. Screaming cocktail waitresses hoping to “break into pictures” are eaten. Havoc is wrought by a creature that appears to have ping-pong balls for eyes and titular talons made out of pipe-cleaners and condoms.

The entire enterprise is a staggering insult to the very existence of human cognition itself, which is why it must be seen to be believed. Even watching The Giant Claw while stoned out of one’s gourd would possibly lead to asylum-level madness, so proceed with caution.

There are a couple of redeeming features, aside from the laughs and the visible wires manipulating this clumsy terror from another galaxy. At one point in the film, the dreaded beast builds a nest and lays an enormous egg on Quebec and, let’s face it, Quebec deserves that.

Enchant your imagination and lose a few IQ points watching the trailer for this fabulous abomination on You Tube. ⬇️

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[ THE WEDNESDAY BOX, a dark fable for all ages by Jonathan Kieran is slated for international release September 8, 2025 ]

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