HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD CINEMA) TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS (1965) GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Director: Bert Gordon with “Stars”: Beau Bridges, Tommy Kirk, Joy Harmon, Johnny Crawford, Ron Howard, Robert Random, Toni Basil, Vicki London, and other Assorted Aces of Awfulness RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Based (more loosely than a herd of rabid, wailing cows attempting to convincingly dance the Virginia … Read More HAZMAT-RETRO HALL of LAME (LOVABLY BAD CINEMA): Goo-Lovin’ Giants … In their Own Village!
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Humane Group Probing Death of Shark in Kmart Commercial Shoot CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9. 5 (Near-Catastrophic. Target would have handled this with so much more dignity.] RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Despite frenzied attempts at revivification via oxygen and shots of adrenaline, a 5-ft. white-tipped shark died of likely humiliation after spending an undetermined amount of time in a “small above-ground pool” in … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: PETA Weeps Over Abused Pool-Shark from Van Nuys … Kmart Circles Wagons
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Greyhound Bus Forced to Pull Over After Cockroaches Complain About Infestation of Humans* CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 7.5 [Considerable. The cockroaches were not at all pleased with the quality of Greyhound’s human clientele and were worried about the spread of potential diseases, to say nothing of rather questionable moral standards.] RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A Greyhound bus en route from Atlantic City to … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t Make the Roach Ride in Coach!
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: World’s Largest Saltwater Crocodile in Captivity Dies in the Philippines CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 7 [Reports indicate that the recently deceased tourist-attraction will be stuffed, shellacked, and replaced with two more animals destined to be taunted with stones, coins, and loogies until they, too, will themselves to perish after years in bleak captivity.] RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: “Lolong,” a 20ft. saltwater crocodile reputed … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: Famous Old Maneating Reptile Dies in Philippines (Not Imelda Marcos)
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: North Korean Film Claims Americans Eat Snow, Live in Tents, Shoot Children CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT:6.5 = Significant, particularly if North Koreans derived this intelligence from Dennis Rodman (see photo above). RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: North Korea, a nation with an infrastructure held together by masticated wads of Kleenex, several rolls of used Saran wrap and three tattered old Air Jordan shoestrings, is … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: American Birds Migrating (For Their Very Lives) to North Korea?
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: 3 Killer Commando Dolphins from Ukraine on the Loose CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 2 & 1/2. Negligible, particularly if killer dolphins are armed with mines and speeding toward infamous Carnival Cruise ship, Triumph, AKA “Fabled Floating City of Fecalopolis.” Potential for positive cultural contribution significant. RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Lovable sea-mammals, approachable in New Age “swim-with-the-dolphins” pseudo-spiritual encounters, can likewise be trained to … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t “Pet the Dolphin”!
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: “So-Cal Quake Could be Foreshock for Something Larger” CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 1.5 (Negligible: 8 out of 10 scientists surveyed now believe cataclysms are “restorative experiences”.) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: The “Big One” is imminent, at least in the geological perspective of time, no matter how many minor jolts pester airheaded Californians on a daily basis. EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Widespread death, destruction, and anarchy … Read More Pop HazMat Alert: A Foreshock for Something Larger
As if I wasn’t grumpy enough due to concerns about the upcoming book-trailer and audiobook adaptations of my Rowan Blaize series (recently launched by the lovely Brightbourne folk), to say nothing of the fourth installment arriving in October, but the decision has pretty much been made to begin work on a full-scale graphic novel adaptation of Book One. Okay: I’d like very much to … Read More Let’s Just Add to the Stress-Heap, Shall We? GRAPHIC NOVEL IN-THE-WORKS
Oh, the humanity! Oh, the inhumanity! Oh, the beheadings, pillagings, assassinations, blindings, intrigues, tonsurings, tongue-splittings, nose-slicings, banishments, castrations, buggerings, fornications, tonsurings, infanticides, icon-smashings, and war, war, war, war, WAR. And you get all of that even before the First Crusade is launched. I didn’t have the time or the stomach for all three volumes of John Julius Norwich’s acclaimed history of Byzantium. I like … Read More Nobody’s Byzness but the Turks’ : Norwich Proves Human History Looks Ghastlier When Condensed
My dear grandfather (God rest his soul) loved nothing more than being surrounded by buxom-if-blowsy waitresses with names like “Lurlene” and “Brenda-Bob” in that creme-filled cholesterol-boosting wonderland known as Dunkin’ Donuts. During visits to my grandparents’ Florida retirement home, I opted to humor old Gramp, especially after his third heart attack, and tag along to attend his version of High Mass every Sunday afternoon, … Read More Dunkin’ Donuts So Freakin’ Stale that Customer Needs Axe to Chop Through Glaze
A waitress at an Appleby’s in Colorado walks up to take an order at a table of young women who’ve got their drinkin’-dresses on for an evening of FUN! The waitress, Brianna Priddy (a name you literally want to pet), asks these good-time gals for their IDs. They oblige. Brianna looks at the IDs and is a tad stunned to discover that one of … Read More American Cunning … Up at the Sharp End