Category: Uncategorized

Come Back to the Five-and-Dime …

Hard to believe, but on February 22, 1879, an enterprising merchant named Frank Woolworth opened his first namesake “five-and-dime” store amid the wintry streets of Utica, NY, having no clue that his brainchild would, by 1979, form the largest chain of mercantiles on the planet. Vending everything from roasted peanuts to tchotchkes to saltwater taffy to dry goods, Woolworth was about as emblematic an … Read More Come Back to the Five-and-Dime …

Nunsense and Big Screen Dreams

Initially, I was going to write a snarky article about the two nuns in Southern California who embezzled from the private Catholic school they were running in order to go on luxurious gambling vacations together. The old battle-axes robbed working people to the tune of $850,000 by setting up a Very Special Sister Slush Fund to maintain their less than immaculately starched habits. (Ha … Read More Nunsense and Big Screen Dreams

When in doubt, go back to Byzantium

Life currently sucking a lemon? World off its nut? Feelin’ LOW? Get thee hence to Byzantium, or what memories are left of it, via John Julius Norwich’s classic A Short History of Byzantium. That’ll put some starch in your goddamned undergarments. Trust me. Just keep knives away from your tongue and red-hot pokers from your eyes. Also, do not name your son “Constantine” or … Read More When in doubt, go back to Byzantium

Of Course There is Hope for the Human Species

Today, January 7, 2022, I have the pleasure of informing readers that the leading or most “trending” search by countless millions of humans utilizing the gargantuan powers of the Google behemoth is: Dr. Pimple Popper Popping Blackheads How encouraging to know that a significant segment of the globe’s population is reverting to old-fashioned, wholesome forms of amusement amid these troubled times. Ah, Google. The … Read More Of Course There is Hope for the Human Species

Just Another Voice, Braying Amid the Din

Jesus wept. That’s one of the handful of things I believe to have actually, probably occurred “as written” in the otherwise motley hodgepodge of boring-ass accounts known as “The New Testament”. If Jesus didn’t weep, He damned well should’ve wept. Who would fail to weep, a little, after taking a gander at this fucked-up existence? This world did not spin into being—one infinitesimal offshoot … Read More Just Another Voice, Braying Amid the Din

Fort Knox Has Nothing On Everyday American Product Packaging

Compared to the challenge of opening a plastic package of sliced sandwich meat, I have little doubt that I could waltz up to the fabled Fort Knox, open each steel-reinforced vault with a casual twerk of my ass, load up with gold bars and then pirouette into the sunset with merry visions of obscene lifetime yachting adventures. Forget nukes, caldera volcano explosions, plagues, locusts, … Read More Fort Knox Has Nothing On Everyday American Product Packaging

In Praise of the Overlooked Gem

Oh, even the keenest eye can fail to catch initial sight of such radiant wonders, though they glimmer like earthbound stars amid the muck and mire. I have such a jewel to exalt—a film, in fact. Few praises of mine have been heaped upon contemporary films these days, but I would be remiss to let an encomium to the following work of art go … Read More In Praise of the Overlooked Gem

Possible Brian Laundrie Campsite Found in Kardashian Ass-Crack

Amid a whirlwind weekend that saw ramped-up action in the hunt for Florida will-o-the-wisp, Brian Laundrie, Americans of every stripe have taken to social media outlets, comments sections, and shakily held iPhones to deliver their crucial brain defecations. Even high-government investigative geniuses like ever-youthful & fully moisturized “Dog The Bounty Hunter” have trained their ostensibly immortal powers toward the search. “He was here,” said … Read More Possible Brian Laundrie Campsite Found in Kardashian Ass-Crack

Who Can Say When the Noodle Boils? Only Time …

In the aftermath of the September 11, 2001 attacks upon the World Trade Center, amid the emotional upheaval and flat-out shock experienced by United States citizens from all walks of life, one song in particular—from a rather unexpected source—seemed to give the nation’s grief-stricken an inordinate amount of solace. No, it wasn’t anything overtly patriotic or jingoistic. The tune had not a whiff of … Read More Who Can Say When the Noodle Boils? Only Time …

Patience Is a Summertime Vice Disguised as a Virtue

I have always heard that, as one “matures”, the desire to surround one’s body with heat and to establish one’s residence in warmer climes is virtually a given. If this is true, then I am even more of an oddball than previously understood, with new examples and manifestations of my weirdness being discovered almost every day. I don’t want your damned heat. I want … Read More Patience Is a Summertime Vice Disguised as a Virtue

Grab a Bowl of Boo and Taste the Friggin’ Nostalgia

Jonathan Kieran presents CLASSIC KID-KIBBLE from YESTERYEAR  TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: BOO BERRY CRUNCH CEREAL (General Mills) Wimpy Casper’s dangerous “gangster” uncle pushing sugar-highs by the box? Probably. RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: As one of a trilogy of “monster-themed” cereals introduced by General Mills in the mid-1970s (along with Frankenberry and Count Chocula) Boo Berry Crunch was touted by its makers as “the first cereal to ever taste like blueberries.” I have some good friends who operate … Read More Grab a Bowl of Boo and Taste the Friggin’ Nostalgia

Something Wanted To Be Born

Apparently. In the midst of working daily for months on three separate literary projects at once—each of a different type, each “approached” in a different way, yet attended-to simultaneously—a fourth creation reared its impertinent head out of the very ether. Sudden. Unexpected. Unimagined, frankly. Human subconsciousness is a both a curse and a glorious gift. In this instance, it is a gift, for me. … Read More Something Wanted To Be Born