POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: German Bank Employee Falls Asleep on Keyboard, Accidentally Transfers Millions

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 0 (Naps are the ANSWER to cultural disintegration across the globe! Join the happy crusade!)

Feel the Money-Making Power of the Workplace Nap!

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A few weeks back, I recall reading an article or two wherein scientists (or some other obviously bored researchers with a lot of time and government money on their hands) were touting the benefits of “napping in the workplace.” Many commentators rejected the findings of this study as just another sad indication of the decline in Western productivity and the harrowing rise of wanton self-indulgence on the part of Generation me Me! ME!! As a veteran napper who knows the reinvigorating value of taking a high-speed train to Bedfordshire in the middle of a trying afternoon, however, I can give all nap-affirming scholars my unequivocal and enthusiastic endorsement.

For centuries, the French and the Italians and the Spanish have been enjoying the wonders of thumbing their noses at the pointless drudgery of employment in order to go home for a few hours in the middle of the day to eat, drink and snore … before finally heading back to work for the purpose of closing-up shop and returning home to really get the party started with a night of cocktails, appetizers, lovemaking and luxurious strolls in the evening air. Those charming old European streets practically beg folks to walk them while humming a sonata. The genius is that people manage to accomplish all of this before a leisurely supper at 10PM and a subsequent visit to some smart midnight cabaret for music and dancing! Europeans know how to make work seem like the irritating little afterthought it really is … or at least they used to know how to do it. Venerable traditions have been changing in recent years and it seems that everyone is starting to think that money is a thing people ought to have — sometimes even in abundance. [Insert horrified gasp HERE]

I don’t know what this world is coming to. I really, truly don’t.

Anyhow, when the Europeans start jettisoning four-hour weekday lunches and put their noses to the grindstone in relentless pursuit of the wretched Demon of SUCCESS, you know the floodgates of the Apocalypse are about to burst and we’ll all go swirling into the vortex of the Abyss. We won’t have a chance in Hell of swimming out of it, either, because we haven’t been taking our naps! At least the Germans, efficient and pragmatic wunderkinds to the last, have found a way to preserve the sacredness of nap-time while staying competitive in the dog-eat-dog world of high finance: they are snoozing on their computer keyboards. Yes! Drooling into the hard-drives. Hallelujah! Snoring into the cacophonous chaos of cyberspace! Praise you, Lord! And you know what? They’re still managing to keep millions of euros moving and shaking while they’re at it!

Take a lesson from Germany, America. Don’t throw all of your cherished pastimes out the window, France and Italy. Your computer keyboard is not a despicable enemy. It is a downy pillow welcoming you to the cozy and replenishing shadows of Slumberland, where daydreams are always on the menu and the Nap is Lord of All.
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