Mexican Volcano Erupts in Reaction to #Kim-K Spawn (Oh, Don’t Look So Surprised.)

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Mexico’s Popocatepetl Volcano Spews Ash 3 Miles High. Scientists Point to Arrival of latest Kardashian Spawn.

Mexico's Popocatepetl reacts to the news of Kim Kardashian's recent natal "accomplishment."

Mexico’s Popocatepetl reacts to the news of Kim Kardashian’s recent natal “accomplishment.”

SheSow

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Oh, don’t look so surprised. You knew this going to be the Beginning of The End)

Alleged and totally UNCONFIRMED photo purporting to show a Doula Demon from the 7th Circle of Tartarus proudly holding Kim Kardashian’s newborn infant mere moments after it was reportedly wrenched from the gaping womb.

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: One ominous eruption has led to another as the recent expulsion of hellspawn from the womb of Perdition Itself caused a catastrophic chain-reaction resulting in the spewing of ash from Mexico’s Popocatepetl volcano. Volcanologist Rudiano Galinde Los Noches explained the disturbing phenomenon to reporters gathered in Mexico City: “Obscure folklore associated with Popocatepetl has predicted something horrendous for centuries. The indigenous peoples have a saying. It’s not particularly well-known outside their circles, but when translated, it goes a little something like this:

‘When the Shameless She-Sow of the North shall give birth,
prepare for explosions of ash from the earth.
When a child claws its way from the Damnable Strumpet
’tis then that the Master of Hell blows his trumpet!
The moment the offspring can sign its first deal …
in fire shall the rest of us sizzle and squeal.’

“We figure there’s got to be a connection,” added Galinde Los Noches. “I mean, the children around Popocatepetl have been chanting this little ditty for centuries. It’s kind of frightening, when you think about it, but I guess the world has got to come to an end sometime. Anyhow, we’re still doing tests and cross-referencing a lot of data with stuff from the Book of Revelation. We’ll know more in a few weeks when In Touch Weekly publishes the first photos and you start to see things like frogs raining down from the sky, locusts devouring entire nations, and black-cloaked horsemen summoning devils from the depths of the sea. Things like that. We expect a real uptick in activity atop the mountain right around that time. Maybe even a pyroclastic flow. Who can say? We’ll keep folks posted, but, frankly, we’ve all been asking for it, so the whole collapse of the universe might end up being a little on the anticlimactic side. Just sayin’.”

"When the Shameless She-Sow of the North shall give birth,  prepare for explosions of ash from the earth!  When a child claws its way from the Damnable Strumpet,  'tis then that the Master of Hell blows his trumpet!  The moment the offspring can sign its first deal ...  in FIRE shall the rest of us sizzle and squeal!"

“When the Shameless She-Sow of the North shall give birth,
prepare for explosions of ash from the earth!
When a child claws its way from the Damnable Strumpet,
’tis then that the Master of Hell blows his trumpet!
The moment the offspring can sign its first deal …
in FIRE shall the rest of us sizzle and squeal!”

STAY TUNED TO POP HAZMAT FOR MORE ASTONISHING DETAILS AS THIS STORY DEVELOPS!

"I've ALWAYS wanted to be a Baby-Daddy before the hour came for the utter annihilation of humanity. This is a very emotional moment. Please respect our family's privacy at this sensitive time."

“I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a Baby-Daddy before the hour came for the utter annihilation of humanity. This is a very emotional moment. Please respect our family’s privacy at this sensitive time.”


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