Opinions vary on the value of Japanese “snail facials.” #Dowager unimpressed.

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

snail fac

Reports have recently surfaced that a spa in Japan has introduced a new treatment wherein living snails are applied to the human face for purposes of moisturizing and beautification. Many are thrilled to explore the restorative benefits of “snail mucous” in the battle against aging and all-around ugliness, but we at Pop HazMat thought it might be prudent to seek the opinion of Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham, concerning the viability of such esoteric and unusual methods. The Dowager, well-known for her willingness to proffer opinions (solicited and otherwise), did not disappoint:

"What in heaven's name do you expect me to say? Have you ever seen what just a few can do to a perfectly innocent little rose garden? Ghastly! It's bad enough that the French insist upon eating the horrible creatures, once they've been sautéed in a bit of butter and garlic. Now you tell me that the Japanese are letting slugs loiter about their faces in the pursuit of beauty? Good heavens. I can only conclude that they are all quite mad. Aren't these are the same people licking each other's eyeballs to get a jolly, these days? I certainly hope the English don't take up such a repugnant trend. The first woman foolish enough to approach me with a herd of snails across her gob is going to get dowsed with a bucket of salt for her trouble, I can assure you. People might even pay to see an exfoliation like that. By the way, young man, if you ever utter the word 'mucous' in my presence again I shall find a way to have you castrated. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for sandwiches of cucumber and cress."

“What in heaven’s name do you expect me to say? Have you ever seen what just a few of them can do to a perfectly innocent little rose garden? Ghastly! It’s bad enough that the French insist upon eating the horrible creatures, once they’ve been sautéed in a bit of butter and garlic. Now you tell me that the Japanese are letting slugs loiter about their faces in the pursuit of beauty? Good heavens. I can only conclude that they are all quite mad. Aren’t these the same people licking each other’s eyeballs to get a jolly, these days? Well, I certainly hope the English don’t take up such a repugnant trend. The first woman foolish enough to approach me with a herd of snails attached to her gob is going to get dowsed with a bucket of salt for her trouble, I can assure you. People might even pay to see an exfoliation like that. By the way, young man, if you ever utter the word ‘mucous’ in my presence again I shall find a way to have you castrated. Now, if you’ll excuse us, it’s time for kidney pie.”

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If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Mexican Volcano Erupts in Reaction to #Kim-K Spawn (Oh, Don’t Look So Surprised.)

HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Mexico’s Popocatepetl Volcano Spews Ash 3 Miles High. Scientists Point to Arrival of latest Kardashian Spawn.

Mexico's Popocatepetl reacts to the news of Kim Kardashian's recent natal "accomplishment."

Mexico’s Popocatepetl reacts to the news of Kim Kardashian’s recent natal “accomplishment.”

SheSow

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Oh, don’t look so surprised. You knew this going to be the Beginning of The End)

Alleged and totally UNCONFIRMED photo purporting to show a Doula Demon from the 7th Circle of Tartarus proudly holding Kim Kardashian’s newborn infant mere moments after it was reportedly wrenched from the gaping womb.

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: One ominous eruption has led to another as the recent expulsion of hellspawn from the womb of Perdition Itself caused a catastrophic chain-reaction resulting in the spewing of ash from Mexico’s Popocatepetl volcano. Volcanologist Rudiano Galinde Los Noches explained the disturbing phenomenon to reporters gathered in Mexico City: “Obscure folklore associated with Popocatepetl has predicted something horrendous for centuries. The indigenous peoples have a saying. It’s not particularly well-known outside their circles, but when translated, it goes a little something like this:

‘When the Shameless She-Sow of the North shall give birth,
prepare for explosions of ash from the earth.
When a child claws its way from the Damnable Strumpet
’tis then that the Master of Hell blows his trumpet!
The moment the offspring can sign its first deal …
in fire shall the rest of us sizzle and squeal.’

“We figure there’s got to be a connection,” added Galinde Los Noches. “I mean, the children around Popocatepetl have been chanting this little ditty for centuries. It’s kind of frightening, when you think about it, but I guess the world has got to come to an end sometime. Anyhow, we’re still doing tests and cross-referencing a lot of data with stuff from the Book of Revelation. We’ll know more in a few weeks when In Touch Weekly publishes the first photos and you start to see things like frogs raining down from the sky, locusts devouring entire nations, and black-cloaked horsemen summoning devils from the depths of the sea. Things like that. We expect a real uptick in activity atop the mountain right around that time. Maybe even a pyroclastic flow. Who can say? We’ll keep folks posted, but, frankly, we’ve all been asking for it, so the whole collapse of the universe might end up being a little on the anticlimactic side. Just sayin’.”

"When the Shameless She-Sow of the North shall give birth,  prepare for explosions of ash from the earth!  When a child claws its way from the Damnable Strumpet,  'tis then that the Master of Hell blows his trumpet!  The moment the offspring can sign its first deal ...  in FIRE shall the rest of us sizzle and squeal!"

“When the Shameless She-Sow of the North shall give birth,
prepare for explosions of ash from the earth!
When a child claws its way from the Damnable Strumpet,
’tis then that the Master of Hell blows his trumpet!
The moment the offspring can sign its first deal …
in FIRE shall the rest of us sizzle and squeal!”

STAY TUNED TO POP HAZMAT FOR MORE ASTONISHING DETAILS AS THIS STORY DEVELOPS!

"I've ALWAYS wanted to be a Baby-Daddy before the hour came for the utter annihilation of humanity. This is a very emotional moment. Please respect our family's privacy at this sensitive time."

“I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a Baby-Daddy before the hour came for the utter annihilation of humanity. This is a very emotional moment. Please respect our family’s privacy at this sensitive time.”


_____________________

If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Pope mentions “Gay Lobby” in Vatican. Says: “Sure. It’s right next to our Mixed-Marriage Mezzanine.” #satire

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Pope Admits Existence of “Gay Lobby” in Vatican. posted by JONATHAN KIERAN (by way of NPR)

In a surprising display of outside-the-box tolerance, the Vatican tapped some of the world's most FABULOUS designers to create its spectacular new "gay lobby." Pope Francis revealed the lobby's existence in a recent meeting with reporters. "It's true, it's there," said the pontiff. "We have to see what we can do about it."

In a surprising display of outside-the-box tolerance, the Vatican tapped some of the world’s most FABULOUS designers to create its spectacular new “gay lobby.” Pope Francis revealed the lobby’s existence in a recent meeting with reporters. “It’s true, it’s there,” said the pontiff. “We have to see what we can do about it.”

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: This bodes well for a “Twihard Café” next to the Sistine Chapel in the near future.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: If the Vatican is offering special architectural amenities to accommodate the diverse demographics of its visitors, one must consider this a sign of progress.

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “There’s talk of the ‘gay lobby’ and it’s true it’s there. We have to see what we can do about it.” (Pope Francis, June 11, 2013)
______________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Pop HazMat: Don’t pet the beaver if it’s not in the mood. #headlines #lifelessons #wildlife

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Beaver Eagerly Kills Fisherman in Belarus posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9 (This tragic event is certain to scar the minds of youngsters who envision beavers to be loving, gentle creatures always willing to share a comforting pot of tea with strangers and help British children plot the downfall of frigid witches hell-bent on preventing magical lions from liberating oppressed kingdoms.)Mr Beaver narnia

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Fisherman from Belarus approaches roadside beaver for a photo-op. Beaver responds with Garboesque “I vant to be alone” demurral. Fisherman insists. Beaver lunges with razor-sharp buckteeth. Beaver slices arteries in fisherman’s leg. Fisherman dies amid gushing fountains of his own blood. Shocked Belarusians launch vengeful PR campaign, claiming that beavers are deadly and aggressive beasts that should be thankful for the interest of the local paparazzi, instead of gnawing at them. Frustrated member of new Anti-Beaver activist group (“ubivat’ bobr!”) in Minsk demands to know: “Why not are filthy beaver of Belarus eager to pose for harmless leetle picture like equally hairy musky Kardashian rodents in America? Is ridiculous!”

Beware the Fateful Fangs of FEAR

Beware the Fateful Fangs of FEAR

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: I have the same sort of difficulties with this story that I had with the story of the lady who fell off a cliff in the Pyrenees, died and was picked-apart by vultures in less than an hour before rescuers could get to her remains. The irate locals associated with that sad circumstance soon started proffering tales of “killer vultures” that were circling in the skies to target small children or swooping down to strip the flesh from terrified living cattle. I’m not buying the whole “killer beaver” meme, either, although animals unfortunate enough to dwell in the wilds of Belarus may indeed have cause for untoward aggression and may harbor any number of Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. What happened to this poor fisherman was undeniably tragic and one’s sympathies certainly must be extended to his undoubtedly shocked and dumbfounded family members (“He was keeled by a WHAT?!? His legs was WHAT?!?) Never the less, this unfortunate incident must inevitably be filed under the “FREAK ACCIDENT FOR TO HAUNT THE NIGHTMARES OF ALL BELARUS GRANCHILDREN FOREVER!” category. Mark my words, fifty years from now, weary and whisker-moled babushkas are going to be frightening unruly toddlers with ominous lines like: “Stop playing with damned beets and eat them or else I summon Demon-Beaver of Ostromechevo and it will come chew-off the feet at night in the beds!” One fact seems certain: the needless demise of this good fisherman (and budding wildlife photographer) would not have occurred at all if he had not “tried to grab the animal.” Wildlife-with-Teeth, friends.

Look but don’t touch.

"You want I should summon Demon-Beaver of Ostromechevo? He will come snap legs like wishbone from chicken. Do not mess with babushka today."

“You want I should summon Demon-Beaver of Ostromechevo? He will come snap legs like wishbone from chicken. Do not mess with babushka today.”

TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “We had never run into anything like this before.” –Leonty Sulim, village doctor, after observing the magnitude of the beaver-wounds.

THERAPEUTIC CINEMA: Day of the Animals

DETOX DINNER: Beaver Tail Soup

FURTHER READING: The Busy Beaver

_____________________

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads