Don’t worry, fellow #doglovers: Doris Day & Betty White have been alerted and they are ON IT!

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Activists Target Dog-Meat Festival in China by JONATHAN KIERAN

Look out, dog-eaters of China ... Doris Day has HEARD about this and her wrath shall be unstoppable. (Photo AFP/FILE)

Look out, dog-eaters of China … Doris Day has HEARD about this and her wrath shall be unstoppable! (Photo AFP/FILE)

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Can’t the Chinese just go back to eating rodents, like normal people? Can’t they lick each other’s eyeballs and call it a day?)

"You're not my Mommy. Why are you coming at me with those chopsticks?"

“You’re not my Mommy. Why are you coming at me with those chopsticks?”

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Behold another reason I have never had the slightest attraction to (or interest in) anything related to Chinese culture beyond, well, a fiery kung pau, I admit. The annual Dog Meat festival in Guangxi province (South China) finds frightened little fellas like the one shown above trapped in cages before being clubbed, skinned and thrown into a kettle while creepy little people with rotten, peg-leg teeth gather ’round by the dozens, salivating until their pot full of parboiled poodle is tender enough to be jabbed with chopsticks.

Just another fine citizen of China enjoying a leisurely lunch-break from her job assembling knick-knacks for your kitchen shelves, America!

Just another fine citizen of China, enjoying a leisurely lunch-break from her job assembling knick-knacks you’re going to buy for your kitchen shelves, America!

For all the years of talk about China’s alleged ambition to eventually “rule the planet,” I’m just not seeing it happen any time soon. Any society that enjoys clubbing, skinning and eating Man’s Best Friend is too backward or too flat-out famished to muster the energy for World Domination. They might have the numbers and the sheer cruelty to do it, but cruelty needs rigid organization to be effectively channeled toward the conquest of other civilizations and, honey, China hasn’t got that kind of system in place!

Besides, Doris Day, right here in my hometown of Carmel, California (AKA “Dog Heaven, USA”) has heard all about this foolery and right now she’s pushing the buttons to the revolving-door that leads to her Secret Batgirl Chamber, she’s firing up the Invisible Jet, and she’s going to fly straight to Guangxi and obliterate those dog-eating commies with one of her Wonder Woman Warheads! Oh YES she is.

She doesn't eat them, but she's gonna NUKE THE HELL out of people who do!

She doesn’t eat them, but she’s gonna NUKE THE HELL out of people who do!

Sorry, but once she’s out in open-airspace, there’s nobody who can stop Doris from saving a doggie. She may even bring Betty White along for this job. Look out, China Dog-Diners … that big “boom” you just heard is Doris & Betty breaking the sound-barrier and they are COMING to blow your asses into Kibbles & Bits. Don’t worry — those dogs you were planning to cook and eat will be happy to clean up what’s left of your scattered parts littering the streets. Dogs are useful like that. You should’ve learned to appreciate them as more than something you ladle over a big gob of sticky-rice.

Kiss your asses goodbye, China pooch-poachers. Betty's heard all about it and she's coming in her Invisible Super Golden Girl Jet-Plane to open a big can of Whup on Y'all.

Kiss your asses goodbye, China puppy-poachers. Betty’s heard all about it and she’s coming in her Invisible Super Golden Girl Jet-Plane to open a big can of Whup on Y’all.

EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Well, if the Chinese ever do manage to take over the world and one of the wretched invaders approaches you with a vile look in his eye and says, “You’re DOG MEAT, pal!” there’s no need to be alarmed. It’s a term of endearment! You’re just being compared to a Corgie canapé or a Bloodhound bruschetta or a big steaming plate of Chihuahua chow mein!

Too Late, you terrier-chewing China people! Doris Day and Betty White have got their Super-Hero Outfits on ad Doris is ON HER WAY to deal with you in her Plane of Retribution! (if you look closely you can see that sort of mummified-looking supine figure next to Doris ... that's Betty. She's real old and needed a little lie-down for the trip but she's still going to make you PAY.)

Too Late, you terrier-chewing China people! Doris Day and Betty White managed to squeeze-into their Super-Hero Outfits and Doris is ON HER WAY to deal with you in her Plane of Retribution! (If you look closely you can see that sort of mummified-looking supine figure next to Doris … that’s Betty. She’s real old and needed a little lie-down for the trip but she’s still going to make you PAY.)

________________________

If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

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