POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Hubble Space Telescope Picks Up Giant Space Penguin (And Other Galactic Anomalies) by JONATHAN KIERAN
CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Surely this Giant Space Penguin is yet another astrological sign of the Coming Chastisement of Creation for allowing TV Cable networks like The National Geographic Channel and The Learning Channel to devolve into putrid cesspits of showcased debauchery and human depravity-on-parade. Come, Space Penguin! Put us out of our collective misery!)
RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: The ever-nosy Hubble Telescope (which is almost as voyeuristic and quick to spot oddities as my late Aunt Florence, who sat peering obsessively behind her kitchen curtains at our family day after freakin’ day, year after freakin’ year until we finally placed her on that 51/50 Hold) has apparently spotted a Giant Space Penguin hurtling toward earth with its egg in tow. Professor Martin Spandau de Vroome, of the Dayton, Ohio Astrological Society and Planetarium reassured frightened citizens that this intergalactic menace is not as unusual as one might think.
“We are forever spotting giant space penguins,” he noted dismissively during a conference call with NASA, Graydon Carter of Vanity Fair and Bindi Irwin, the Dancing Jungle Girl. “Giant space penguins are always flying by earth like nasty, flapping asteroids but it’s been millions of years since one has made impact. In fact, many scientists are now taking a second look at what sort of catastrophic event killed-off the dinosaurs and, instead of a massive asteroid, they are beginning to wonder, ‘Could it have been a giant space penguin’? We are not ruling this out and further studies will be done, you’d better believe it. I would not lie about such things. We are in the process of raising the additional nine trillion dollars needed to investigate the dangers of imminent collisions with Giant Space Penguins and what we may do, if anything, to deflect a Giant Space Penguin if we discover a Giant Space Penguin to be on course for a direct hit with Earth. Probably we shall petition Congress to dismantle the Post office and redirect all funds to us for this purpose. The Post Office is doing a terrible job these days and they are even crazier than astronomers, so who needs them, anyhow? As for this Giant Space Penguin, well, this penguin is too far away, in the Hydra constellation, to pose a problem right now,” added de Vroome. “I’d be more worried about the three other hideous monstrosities that the Hubble telescope has discovered heading toward our planet at an alarming rate of speed. I will show them to you now. May governments across the globe be warned and may God help us from each of these calamities.”
GLOBAL SPACE-THREAT NUMBER ONE:
GLOBAL SPACE-THREAT NUMBER TWO:
GLOBAL SPACE-THREAT NUMBER THREE:
STAY TUNED AS POP HAZMAT KEEPS YOU POSTED ON THESE HORRIFYING ASTRONOMICAL DEVELOPMENTS … HUG YOUR CHILDREN AND SPEND TIME WITH YOUR LOVED ONES. WE DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER WE’VE GOT.
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