POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Iowa Man Attempts to Sell Antique Coffin on Craigslist — Complete with Skeleton! posted by JONATHAN KIERAN

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9. Rumors are circulating that this strange transaction was originally written as a MISC ROMANCE ad in the personals section of the giant “classifieds” website — further proof that the quality of online dating remains sketchy, at best, due to the ease with which desperate people can misrepresent themselves and their attributes to unwary souls who like to shop for Meaningful Relationships with Perfect Strangers via Craigslist. An alleged version of the original ad was obtained by Pop HazMat and is featured below:

SWM, MATURE, Always Laughing, Eyes Wide Open, Seeks Understanding SWF. I can host …

SWM, Mature, Very Lean, exceedingly well-defined facial features (folks have called them “noble”), rather quiet-type, seeks SWF between the ages of 19-23 who enjoys the company of a Much Older Gentleman who not only knows how to “hang loose” and “chillax” but exemplifies those features in daily life! You wouldn’t believe what a great listener I am. I mean, I could listen to you talk about your problems for hours, even days, without interrupting, so neurotic young ladies with a lot of personal issues and the need to express those issues through incessant whining are encouraged to respond to this ad. Or, we can just lie around the (satin) bachelor pad and say nothing at all. I’m GREAT at that! As far as honesty goes, you NEVER have anything to worry about. No games or guile: I believe a girl should always be able to see right through her man. In terms of physical relations I am the kind of man who enjoys (and even requires) to be in a passive position. I like to watch you do your thing. Therefore, gregarious and dominating girls with a naughty exhibitionist-side are preferable but it’s not a bonedeal-breaker. I can host: beautiful old world style dwelling, here, so if you like an antique ambience of exceptional craftsmanship you’ll be thrilled with my home. Privacy is guaranteed. Some might consider my place confining, but I prefer “discreet,” “cozy” and “cool” to describe the space where our romance will blossom into something that could truly last … well, beyond the grave, to be quite honest! Goth-Girl types to the front of the line. Fans of the movie A Nightmare before Christmas a + + +. Put “ENJOY THE SILENCE” in the subject line so I know you’re not spam.
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