HazMat Headline Du Jour Satire

Devotion crosses centuries for eager Egyptian statue. #badtasteistimeless

POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Ancient Egyptian Statue Moves By Itself In Museum Case: Curators Stumped! by JONATHAN KIERAN

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Curators of the Manchester Museum in England are flabbergasted by the way an ancient Egyptian statue appears to be moving of its own volition during the daytime within a locked glass case. One museum official even thinks the statue (representing a mummified man named “Neb-Senu”) might even be possessed by the spirit of the long-deceased Egyptian himself, since statues placed alongside mummies in ancient tombs were believed to act as agents or “receptacles” for the souls of the dead. Curators claim to have captured Neb-Senu’s 180-degree turns on time-lapse video.

Neb-Senu's statue is spinning on his own axis to the befuddlement of museum officials. (PHOTO: L. Lovelock via YouTube)
Neb-Senu’s statue is spinning on his own axis to the befuddlement of museum officials. (PHOTO: L. Lovelock via YouTube)

While scholars in English museums may be stumped over this admittedly strange phenomenon, intrepid Pop HazMat reporters currently on assignment in the UK were able to get to the bottom of this peculiar matter very easily. A brief afternoon of observation was all our inquiring minds needed to reveal what English curators completely failed to notice in their misguided investigations. Based upon the distinct angle of the statue’s daily spin-cycle, Neb-Senu turns to get a direct and thrilling view of the billboard across the street from the Manchester Museum:

whorefromhell

MYSTERY SOLVED.

CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 1. Neb-Senu’s extraordinary attempt to get a good look at the billboard of “Backdoor Farrah” should come as no surprise whatsoever to any student of history. The Ancient Egyptians were well-known for worshipping dogs and this is clearly an act of religious devotion.
___________

If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

0 comments on “Devotion crosses centuries for eager Egyptian statue. #badtasteistimeless

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: