Jonathan Kieran

AUTHOR, ILLUSTRATOR, EXISTENTIAL, INTERROGATOR

Jonathan Kieran

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Opinions vary on the value of Japanese “snail facials.” #Dowager unimpressed.

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

snail fac

Reports have recently surfaced that a spa in Japan has introduced a new treatment wherein living snails are applied to the human face for purposes of moisturizing and beautification. Many are thrilled to explore the restorative benefits of “snail mucous” in the battle against aging and all-around ugliness, but we at Pop HazMat thought it might be prudent to seek the opinion of Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham, concerning the viability of such esoteric and unusual methods. The Dowager, well-known for her willingness to proffer opinions (solicited and otherwise), did not disappoint:

"What in heaven's name do you expect me to say? Have you ever seen what just a few can do to a perfectly innocent little rose garden? Ghastly! It's bad enough that the French insist upon eating the horrible creatures, once they've been sautéed in a bit of butter and garlic. Now you tell me that the Japanese are letting slugs loiter about their faces in the pursuit of beauty? Good heavens. I can only conclude that they are all quite mad. Aren't these are the same people licking each other's eyeballs to get a jolly, these days? I certainly hope the English don't take up such a repugnant trend. The first woman foolish enough to approach me with a herd of snails across her gob is going to get dowsed with a bucket of salt for her trouble, I can assure you. People might even pay to see an exfoliation like that. By the way, young man, if you ever utter the word 'mucous' in my presence again I shall find a way to have you castrated. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for sandwiches of cucumber and cress."
“What in heaven’s name do you expect me to say? Have you ever seen what just a few of them can do to a perfectly innocent little rose garden? Ghastly! It’s bad enough that the French insist upon eating the horrible creatures, once they’ve been sautéed in a bit of butter and garlic. Now you tell me that the Japanese are letting slugs loiter about their faces in the pursuit of beauty? Good heavens. I can only conclude that they are all quite mad. Aren’t these the same people licking each other’s eyeballs to get a jolly, these days? Well, I certainly hope the English don’t take up such a repugnant trend. The first woman foolish enough to approach me with a herd of snails attached to her gob is going to get dowsed with a bucket of salt for her trouble, I can assure you. People might even pay to see an exfoliation like that. By the way, young man, if you ever utter the word ‘mucous’ in my presence again I shall find a way to have you castrated. Now, if you’ll excuse us, it’s time for kidney pie.”

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If you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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