“Hi! I’m P. Allen Smith, and with Autumn just around the corner, we’re going to learn a little bit about how to grow one of the most popular and delicious comfort foods you can find in the American garden — the Mother-in-Law Plant!”

“As soon as your Mother-in-Law Plant begins to sprout in the garden, it is crucial to rid the surrounding area of weeds and pests. Aphids, hornworms, and even raccoons will be eager to have a nibble at the softer parts of this delicious perennial, so it might be a good idea to spray her regularly in the face with harsh pesticides and surround the cultivated plot with protective mesh. These often critical, cantankerous plants tend to thrive when the responsible gardener takes time for hand-feeding. Soft materials like oatmeal, cottage cheese and peanut butter have been known to work wonders. Some growers have even had success with moist cat-food that can be obtained from any grocery store. If your Mother-in-Law Plant happens to be one of the rare Appalachian or Ozark varietals, a little bit of chewing tobacco once or twice a week will go a long way toward producing vibrant blossoms! One of the best things about these fabulous vegetables is that they will let you know when they are ready to be harvested. Listen closely in early October and you’ll hear them complaining incessantly about the morning chill. Once that happens, it is time to get the kitchen ready for a feast. Simply rip your Mother-in-Law Plant from the fertile earth by grabbing her hair and employing a few, violent shaking movements. The roots should come right up without a problem. These plants tend to make a strange whimpering sound when on the cutting-board, but pay no attention to that as you prepare your memorable meal. Some people like to soften their well-chopped pieces in an all-day crock pot, but I like to serve my guests a fricassee of Mother-in-Law Plant and chanterelle mushrooms seasoned with a bit of fresh thyme. A dry Riesling pairs nicely with this late-harvest delicacy and you can be sure that your friends will be raving for days about your culinary abilities. They may even pester you for tips about how to raise their own Mother-in-Law Plants. Be sure to tell them you learned it all from me!”

“Until next time, from the garden, I’m Allen Smith!”