“I hate to tell you this, Anna my love, but in addition to my crippling war injury, years of furtive alcoholism, false imprisonment for the murder of my wife and various other difficulties to which I have exposed your tender and trusting heart, I must confess something that you may find a bit troubling. You see, Anna, I once spent 227 days stranded on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger named ‘Richard Parker’ and, after finally drifting ashore in Mexico, Richard leapt from the boat and promptly consumed a comely senorita named ‘Lupe,’ whose father held me personally responsible for the tragic attack. To avoid punishment by the local authorities, I was given the chance to make reparation for my negligence by marrying the man’s other daughter, an armless maiden named ‘Rosario,’ who fell ill with a fever and died the day after our wedding, but not before revealing that she had once been secretly engaged to a bandit who, before his execution, had buried a treasure of gold coins deep in the nearby hills of San Jacinto, only she had never been able to dig-up the chest, what with not having arms and all. Still, with her dying breath she begged me to one day return to the hills of her homeland and search for the treasure in order to build a great banana plantation dedicated to her everlasting memory. This has weighed upon my mind for some time, Anna, as you may have surmised by my perpetually glum and enigmatic demeanor. After much thought, however, I have decided that I must honor Rosario’s dying wish. Therefore, Anna, I will be leaving Downton as a stowaway on the next available ship to Cancun, so that I might begin my quest. I may be gone for a very, very, very long time, and I wanted to know one thing, my love, my cherished and faithful angel.”

“What is it, Mr. Bates?” (sniff. sniff.)

“Will you write?”