“What is it, Mr. Bates?” #downtonsatire

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"I hate to tell you this, Anna my love, but in addition to my war injury, years of furtive alcoholism, false imprisonment for murder of my wife and various other difficulties to which I have exposed your tender heart, I must confess something that you may find a bit troubling. You see, I once spent 227 days stranded on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger named 'Richard Parker' and, after finally drifting ashore in Mexico, Richard leapt from the boat and promptly consumed a comely senorita named 'Lupe,' whose father held me responsible for the tragic attack. To avoid punishment by the authorities, I was given the chance to make reparation for my negligence by marrying the man's other daughter, an armless maiden named 'Rosario,' who fell ill with a fever and died the day after our wedding, but not before revealing that she had once been secretly engaged to a bandit who, before his execution, had buried a treasure of gold coins deep in the nearby hills of San Jacinto, only she had never been able to retrieve the chest, what with being armless and all. Still, with her dying breath she begged me to one day return to the hills of Jacinto and search for the treasure in order to build a great banana plantation in her everlasting memory. This has weighed upon my mind for some time, Anna, as you may have surmised by my perpetually downcast and enigmatic demeanor, but after much thought I have decided that I must honor Rosario's dying wish. Therefore, I will be leaving Downton on the next available ship to Cancun that I might begin my quest. I may be gone for a very, very, very long time, and I wanted to know one thing, my love, my cherished and faithful angel. Will you write?"

“I hate to tell you this, Anna my love, but in addition to my crippling war injury, years of furtive alcoholism, false imprisonment for the murder of my wife and various other difficulties to which I have exposed your tender and trusting heart, I must confess something that you may find a bit troubling. You see, Anna, I once spent 227 days stranded on a lifeboat with a Bengal tiger named ‘Richard Parker’ and, after finally drifting ashore in Mexico, Richard leapt from the boat and promptly consumed a comely senorita named ‘Lupe,’ whose father held me personally responsible for the tragic attack. To avoid punishment by the local authorities, I was given the chance to make reparation for my negligence by marrying the man’s other daughter, an armless maiden named ‘Rosario,’ who fell ill with a fever and died the day after our wedding, but not before revealing that she had once been secretly engaged to a bandit who, before his execution, had buried a treasure of gold coins deep in the nearby hills of San Jacinto, only she had never been able to dig-up the chest, what with not having arms and all. Still, with her dying breath she begged me to one day return to the hills of her homeland and search for the treasure in order to build a great banana plantation dedicated to her everlasting memory. This has weighed upon my mind for some time, Anna, as you may have surmised by my perpetually glum and enigmatic demeanor. After much thought, however, I have decided that I must honor Rosario’s dying wish. Therefore, Anna, I will be leaving Downton as a stowaway on the next available ship to Cancun, so that I might begin my quest. I may be gone for a very, very, very long time, and I wanted to know one thing, my love, my cherished and faithful angel.”

"What is it, Mr. Bates?" (sniff. sniff.)

“What is it, Mr. Bates?” (sniff. sniff.)

"Will you write?"

“Will you write?”

____________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release by Brightbourne in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
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