There’s room for only one #dowager in an English rose garden.

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"So, Mister Smith, I had presumed that you were one of the Bedforshire Allen-Smiths, but Lady Mary tells us that you are an entertainer of some sort. Is this true?"

“So, Mister Smith, I had presumed that you were one of the Bedforshire Allen-Smiths –a most respectable family, indeed. But Lady Mary tells us that you are, in fact, an entertainer of some sort. Is this true?”

"That sure is true, Mrs. Countess. I have my own television show!"

“Right as a raindrop, Mrs. Dowager. I even have my own television show.”

"A television show? Goodness gracious me, how vulgar. You're not possibly related to that actress 'Smith' --What was her name? Martha ... Maggie? I forget. Actors are all such insufferable creatures, I can't be bothered remembering much about them."

“A television show? Goodness gracious me. How vulgar. You’re not possibly related to that actress ‘Smith’ –What was her name? Martha … Mandy … Maggie? I forget. Actors are all such insufferable creatures, I can’t be bothered remembering much about them.”

Yes, actors are a rather insufferable breed. Did you know that many of them are also notorious drunks? But I'm not an actor, Ma'am. I'm a gardener, an interior design specialist and a connoisseur of the world's finest shampoos and conditioners."

Yes, actors are a rather irritating breed. Did you know that many of them are also notorious drunks? But I’m not an actor, Ma’am. I’m a renowned gardener, an interior design wizard, and a connoisseur of the world’s finest shampoos and conditioners, as you may have noticed.”

"Why, I've never heard such ridiculousness in all my days. What on earth are you doing here at Downton, young man?"

“Why, I’ve never heard such ridiculousness in all my days. What on earth are you doing here at Downton, young man?”

"Getting ready to kick your aristocratic butt in the annual Downton Rose-Growing Competition, Ma'am."

“Getting ready to bring home the trophy in the annual Rose-Growing Competition, Ma’am.”

"Young man, I established that competition and I will have know that my roses have won first-prize every year for the past 45 years."

“Young man, I established that competition myself, and I will have you know that my Floribundas have won first-prize every year for the past 45 years!”

"Yes, well, my Amber Flushes are about to hand you your ass on a silver platter, Ma'am."

“Yes, well, that may be true, but with all due respect, Ma’am, my Amber Flushes are about to hand you your ass on a silver platter.”

[gasp!] By the lecherous loins of Kemal Pemuk, he did NOT just say that to my Granny!

[gasp!]By the lecherous loins of Kemal Pemuk, he did NOT just say that to my Granny.

"Oh, Mr. Allen Peasmith or whatever your name is, I'm afraid you don't know who you're dealing with. If you think you can simply waft into town like some overgrown, blow-dried Huckleberry Hound and steal my floral thunder, you are sorely mistaken."

“Oh, Mr. Allen Peasmith or whatever your name is, I’m afraid you don’t know with whom you are dealing. If you think you can simply waft into Downton like some overgrown, blow-dried Huckleberry Hound and steal my thunder, you are sorely mistaken.”

"In cases like this, Mrs. Dowager, I prefer to let my precious blossoms do the talking. Shall we wage this battle from the garden?"

“In cases like this, Mrs. Dowager, I prefer to let my precious blossoms do the talking. So whaddaya say? Shall we wage this battle from the garden?”

"From the garden, Mr. Smith. But rest assured -- this time tomorrow I shall have your guts for my bootlaces."

“From the garden it shall be, Mr. Smith. But rest assured — by this time tomorrow I shall have your guts for my bootlaces. Carson, send round for my car. I have work to do.”

[ gulp! ]

[ gulp! ]

LATER …

"Oh, Mr. Bates, it's dreadful! The old lady is really going to kill that kind American man with the fluffy hair. Only someone truly sinister might have the depraved sense of treachery required to stop her. Any ideas?"

“Oh, Mr. Bates, it’s dreadful! The old lady is really going to kill that kind American man with the impossibly fluffy hair. Only someone truly sinister and wretched to-the-core might have the depraved sense of treachery required to stop her. Any ideas?”

"What are you two daft birds lookin' at me for? You think I'd know anything about roses? Not bloody likely."

“What are you two daft birds looking at me for? You think I know anything about roses? Not bloody likely.”

_______________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

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