When Downton faced Toho … #trulywarped

POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN

"Oh, Granny! You're back from holiday in the Orient and I just know you brought me something simply marvelous. What's in that darling box? Do show me or I shall be forced to chew my fingers to bloody stumps with anticipation!"

“Oh, Granny! You’re back from holiday in the Orient and I just know you brought me something simply marvelous. What’s in that darling box? Do show me or I shall be forced to chew my fingers to bloody nubs for sheer anticipation.”

"Oh, yes, my dear Mary, there's something in this box that I'm quite certain you'll find amusing. I picked them up when our ship was forced to anchor overnight because our drunken Greek captain had locked himself in the loo with a bottle of ouzo and refused to come out, for whatever reason. We were near a beastly little island in the Pacific and lunched on a most dreadful beach to pass the time. That's where I found these two running around, making all sorts of fuss, and I thought, "Oh! Mary would just love to have a matching set of these to prop against her vanity mirror or something, so I scooped them up and put them in my bag. Have a look!"

“Yes, Mary, there’s something in this box I’m certain you’ll find amusing. You see, the ship was forced to drop anchor because our swarthy Greek captain locked himself in the loo, again, with a bottle of ouzo, a scullery maid and an eggplant, and refused to come out. We were near a beastly little island in the Pacific and decided to explore the beach for our pleasure, just to pass the time. That’s where I found these two running around, making quite the fuss, and I thought, “Oh! Mary would just love to have a matching set like this to prop against her vanity mirror! So I scooped them up and put them in my bag. They’re most exotic and interesting, though one of the little wretches did try to bite me on the leg. Have a look!”

"Please help us, Miss! An old, wrinkled She-monster with breath as foul as Godzilla kidnapped us from our sacred island and shoved us into a bag full of soiled undergarments!"

“Please help us, Miss! An old, wrinkled She-monster with breath as foul as Godzilla kidnapped us from our sacred island and shoved us into a bag full of soiled undergarments!”

"See here! Stop babbling such nonsense. Those undergarments were just a trifle damp due to your abominably humid weather. They were perfectly clean!"

“See here! Stop babbling such nonsense, you two. Those undergarments were just a bit humid due to your abominable weather. Otherwise, they were perfectly clean.”

"No! They smelled of 'old lady' something awful. We nearly suffocated!"

“Clean? They smelled of ‘old lady’ so bad that we nearly suffocated!”

"Oh, what cheek! Suffocation? I'll give you suffocation. Carson, fetch me a bottle of lye!"

“Oh, what cheek! Suffocation? I’ll give you suffocation. Carson, fetch me a bottle of lye!”

"Granny, they're brilliant! Why, I could pin them onto that new ostrich-feather clutch Mother bought me, or perhaps use them as hair combs. Can I really keep them for my very own?"

“Granny, they’re brilliant! Why, I could pin them onto that new ostrich-feather clutch Mother bought me in London, or perhaps use them as hair combs. Can I really keep them?”

"Yes, of course, my darling, but they can be as irritating as mosquitos and who knows what manner of diseases they may carry? I do suggest you have them coated with wax or perhaps gutted and stuffed like proper ornamental accessories. I know of a splendid taxidermist in Ripon."

“Yes, of course, my darling, but as you can see, they are as irritating as mosquitos and who knows what manner of diseases they carry? I do suggest you have them coated with wax or perhaps gutted and stuffed like proper ornamental accessories. I know of a perfectly splendid taxidermist in Ripon.”

"I don't suppose you brought me a box full of interesting little fairy-women from Japan, did you, Granny?"

“I don’t suppose you brought me a box full of interesting little fairy-women from Japan, did you, Granny?”

"Really, Edith. Do stop whining. Must you always be so competitive with your sister? You know that I already gave you a perfectly suitable present for your birthday last year."

“Really, Edith. Do stop wheedling. Must you always be so competitive with your sister? You know that I already gave you a perfectly suitable present for your birthday last year.”

"Mice. Two brown, boring little field-mice in a shoebox. Mary gets magical miniature Asian people from mysterious islands, but it's always mice for plain old Edith, isn't it?" [sniff. sniff.]

“Yes. Mice. Two brown, boring little field-mice in a shoebox. Mary gets magical miniature Asian people from mysterious islands, but it’s always mice for plain old Edith, isn’t it?” [sniff. sniff.]

"Oh, put a lid on it, already, Edith. Do you really think we expect you to care for fairy-women in the proper manner? You couldn't even manage the mice Granny was kind enough to give you! I found them shriveled-up and dead in your room last week, for God's sake."

“Oh, put a lid on it, already, Edith. Do you really think we expect you to care for foreign fairy-women properly? You don’t even know what such creatures might like to eat. You couldn’t even manage those mice Granny was kind enough to give you! I found them shriveled-up and dead in your room last week, for God’s sake.”

"It wasn't my fault, I tell you! Those mice would only eat Stilton but that bitch Mrs. Patmore refused to give me anything but cheddar. Of course the miserable things starved!" [Buh-hoo huh huh-hoo hoo ...]

“It wasn’t my fault, I tell you! Those rodents would only eat Stilton, but that bitch Mrs. Patmore refused to give me anything except cheddar to feed them. Of course the miserable things starved!” [Buh-hoo huh huh-hoo hoo …]

"All the same, you're not to go anywhere near Mary's fairies, Edith. Quite frankly, my girl, I wouldn't trust you to keep a dust-bunny up to snuff."

“All the same, Edith, you’re not to go anywhere near Mary’s fairies, is that understood? Quite frankly, my girl, I wouldn’t trust you to keep the dust-bunnies in your closet from cannibalizing each other out of hunger.”

"Hello? Please listen, insufferable Englishwomen. We don't think any of you realize how much danger you are in. Mothra is on his way to Downton and he means business!"

“Hello?!?! Down here! Please listen to us, insufferable aristocratic Englishwomen! We don’t think any of you realize how much danger you are in. Mothra is on his way to Downton and he means business!”

"Good heavens, that sounds serious. What's a 'Mothra,' Granny? Do you know?"

“Good heavens, that sounds serious. What’s a ‘Mothra,’ Granny? Do you happen to know?”

"Why, I haven't the foggiest. The late Earl of Grantham and I once knew a Doctor and Mrs. Mothra in Punjab, but they are hardly the type of people to be received at Downton, I assure you."

“Why, I haven’t the foggiest. The late Earl of Grantham and I once knew a Doctor and Mrs. Mothra in Punjab, but they were hardly the type of people to ever be received at Downton, I assure you.”

"Silence! Hear me now, O chattering Imperialist She-beasts! Mothra is the god of our sacred island, a gargantuan caterpillar that will wriggle across mountain, valley, desert and ocean to avenge us, laying waste to your ostentatious home and all who dwell herein."

“Silence, O chattering Imperialist She-beasts! Mothra is the god of our sacred island –a gargantuan caterpillar that will wriggle across mountain, valley, desert and ocean to avenge us, laying waste to your ostentatious home and all who dwell herein. We have already summoned him with our telepathic bongo-chant!”

"Giant caterpillars at Downton?! I call that most unacceptable."

“Giant caterpillars at Downton?! I call that most unacceptable.”

"But what can we do to stave off the horror of this impending disaster, Granny?"

“But what can we possibly do to stave-off the horror of such impending disaster, Granny?”

"Perhaps we could sacrifice Lady Edith. Perhaps that would appease this Mothra-person our sneaky little fairies have summoned?"

“We could sacrifice Lady Edith. Perhaps that would appease this Mothra-person our sneaky little bits of fairy-trash have so rudely summoned?”

"Fat chance on that plan. Mothra doesn't want your throwaways."

“Fat chance on that plan, Lady. Mothra doesn’t want your throwaways.”

"Buuhaagh! [sniff. sniff.] Not even good enough to be eaten by a #&!*ing Japanese rubber bloody freaking caterpillar-monster!!! [Buhhaaghh!]"

“Buuhaagh! [sniff. sniff.] Not even good enough to be eaten by a #&!*ing rubber bloody #&@*ing Japanese caterpillar-monster!!!” [Buhhaaghh!]

"Well that settles it. There's only one thing left to do. Edith, seeing as you are of no use to us as a sacrifice, would you be so kind as to do the honors?"

“Well that settles it. We have no other recourse. Edith, seeing as you are of absolutely no use to us whatsoever as a sacrifice, would you be so kind as to do the honors?”

step

NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!"

NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo! Not the foot! Look out, she’s got serrated bunions!”

"OH! I say, Edith. Well done. Brilliant idea, Granny, but do you really think it will stop the monster?"

“OH! I say, Edith. Well done. Brilliant idea, Granny, but do you really think it will stop the monster?”

"Probably not, my dear, but you must admit it was rather satisfying to watch their little brains being smushed-out by Edith's large and ungainly clodhopper. [sigh] At least your sister is good for something. Anyone else up for tea? This monster business has made me a bit peckish."

“Probably not, my dear, but you must admit it was rather satisfying to watch their little brains being smushed-out of their heads by Edith’s large and ungainly clodhopper. [sigh] At least your sister is good for something. Now … is anyone else up for a spot of tea? All this monster business has made me a bit peckish.”

TO BE CONTINUED …

_____________

While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

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