POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN
In what is being termed “a brutal act of despicable retaliation” for a recent vegan attack on the Iowa State Fair’s traditional Butter-Cow, a group of carnivores slaughtered an assortment of innocent vegetables that were kidnapped on Monday evening from the Frail & Pale Café –a popular vegan bistro– in downtown Dubuque. The grisly murders were apparently committed by cover of night on the steps of City Hall itself, and a note was left by the presumed perpetrators, warning vegans that: “… this is only the beginning, you willowy freaks! For the honor of Butter-Cows across the globe, we will be unleashing an apocalypse of vegetable butchery unprecedented in the annals of history. The torture and pain experienced by your beloved comrades will know no limits. Asparagus shall be shocked! Beans shall be baked! Onions shall be diced! Tomatoes shall be quartered! Our knives will plunge without mercy into every artichoke heart we can get our hands upon! The very rivers will run red with ratatouille! You’ve messed with the wrong butter-loving psychopaths, you anemic bastards!”
While no specific carnivore activist group has stepped forward to claim responsibility for this heinous crime against plant-life, investigators have their eyes on a number of militant factions and intend to round-up suspects for questioning in the next few days. Meanwhile, Rain Softsparrow, 29, the owner of the Frail & Pale Café, lamented the gruesome fate of her beloved friends:
Pop HazMat will continue to follow this terrifying story as new evidence emerges and as the investigation continues. Photos from the crime scene are featured below, but we warn you: THESE IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING.
While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!
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Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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Rowan Blaize Official Website