POP HAZMAT “CAPTURED MOMENTS” presents EAVESDROPPING at the OUTSKIRTS of EXCESS by JONATHAN KIERAN
Police say horrifying vegetable-murders were acts of retaliation for vegan desecration of beloved Iowa State Fair butter-cow.
In what is being termed “a brutal act of despicable retaliation” for a recent vegan attack on the Iowa State Fair’s traditional Butter-Cow, a group of carnivores slaughtered an assortment of innocent vegetables that were kidnapped on Monday evening from the Frail & Pale Café –a popular vegan bistro– in downtown Dubuque. The grisly murders were apparently committed by cover of night on the steps of City Hall itself, and a note was left by the presumed perpetrators, warning vegans that: “… this is only the beginning, you willowy freaks! For the honor of Butter-Cows across the globe, we will be unleashing an apocalypse of vegetable butchery unprecedented in the annals of history. The torture and pain experienced by your beloved comrades will know no limits. Asparagus shall be shocked! Beans shall be baked! Onions shall be diced! Tomatoes shall be quartered! Our knives will plunge without mercy into every artichoke heart we can get our hands upon! The very rivers will run red with ratatouille! You’ve messed with the wrong butter-loving psychopaths, you anemic bastards!”
While no specific carnivore activist group has stepped forward to claim responsibility for this heinous crime against plant-life, investigators have their eyes on a number of militant factions and intend to round-up suspects for questioning in the next few days. Meanwhile, Rain Softsparrow, 29, the owner of the Frail & Pale Café, lamented the gruesome fate of her beloved friends:
!["The cops showed me photos of the crime scene, you know? To see if I could, like, identify any of the victims. Oh my God, it was a nightmare. [sniff.] I've never seen so much carnage, so much wanton cruelty. Yeah, I recognized my friends amid the heaps of relentless gore. There was Ryan, a zucchini squash who had been with us for so long. So wise and centered, spiritually. Just freakin' disemboweled, man! And poor Laura's seeds were strewn throughout the slaughter --she was a bell pepper we all loved and respected. Total angel. God, I can still hear the screams of the asparagus siblings in my mind! And for what? Some vile capitalist abomination like the Iowa butter cow? Insane! This will haunt me forever. If I had, like, anything solid in my stomach to throw-up, I would, like, blow serious chunks ... just thinking about the bloodlust. I'm scarred for life, dude. How could anyone not be, you know? Doctors have already put me on a regimen of iron supplements just to cope. [sniff. sniff.] I only hope that, you know, they catch the people who did this and, like, kill them, you know? Kill them and their wives and their babies. Excuse me, I have to lay down for a minute. I'm a little dizzy. I only had an air smoothie for breakfast." [sniff.]](https://pophazmat.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/weeping.jpg)
“The cops showed me photos of the crime scene, you know? To see if I could, like, identify any of the victims. Oh my God, it was a nightmare. [sniff.] I’ve never seen so much carnage, so much wanton cruelty. Yeah, I recognized my friends amid the heaps of relentless gore. There was Ryan, a zucchini squash who had been with us for so long. So wise and centered, such a spiritual force in our circle. And there he was, just freakin’ disemboweled, man! And poor Laura’s seeds were strewn throughout the slaughter –she was a bell pepper we all loved and respected. Total angel. God, I can still hear the screams of the asparagus sisters in my mind! And for what? Some vile capitalist abomination like the Iowa butter-cow? Insane! This’ll haunt us all forever. If I had, like, anything solid in my stomach to throw-up, I would, like, blow serious chunks … just thinking about the bloodlust. I’m scarred for life, dude. How could anyone not be, you know? Doctors have already put me on a regimen of iron supplements just to cope. [sniff. sniff.] I only hope that, you know, they catch the people who did this and, like, kill them, you know? Kill them and their wives and their babies. Excuse me, I have to lay down for a minute. I’m a little dizzy. I only had an air smoothie for breakfast.” [sniff.]
Pop HazMat will continue to follow this terrifying story as new evidence emerges and as the investigation continues. Photos from the crime scene are featured below, but we warn you: THESE IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING.
Forensic specialists are analyzing the murder weapon (upper left), which was left at the scene of these incomprehensible dismemberments. Victims’ full names are being withheld pending results of DNA tests and the notification of next-of-produce.
Emergency Technicians and forensic detectives perform the grisly task of gathering victims in body-bags for immediate transport to the Medical Examiner’s lab.
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While Jonathan works to complete his new novel (slated for release in Spring 2014) blogging will be swift, light, fun and generally of the “drive-by captioning” variety. Meanwhile, if you’re bored and don’t have any Japanese eyeballs to lick, hop on over to Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a Like!
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I am afraid they might be hiding in Germany – they even have their own show – called Beef Buddies. They are working undercover for a local TV show with the same name. *Hides her head in shame for being German*