Flashback Friday

Another impending move, another house sold … the semi-peripatetic life has suited me for creative, financial, and spiritual reasons since the days of my youth. I am happy to report that the present days (and what “youth” remains) are still being spent in the pursuit of adventure and whatever alluring-but-elusive glimpses of magic may be attained amid this mortal coil. Speaking of the Sweet Bird of Youth, however, I fished-out these photos from yesteryear during the recent packing process. The first pic was taken in Biarritz, France, September 2002, as I was reclining on a couch in the hotel room, windows wide open to the rhythm of Atlantic waves caressing the shoreline at sunset. The sounds of cooks and servers getting ready for evening customers could be heard in the restaurant just below the room and in others along la croisette, but it was hardly disturbing. People don’t rush madly to accomplish anything in Biarritz, in September or otherwise. Their furtive preparations had instead the effect of a lullaby, as might be discerned from the expression on my face. And, no, this was not a selfie. Selfies didn’t exist in 2002. Whatever the case, we’ll call this one “The Alchemy of Biarritz and Kava Kava”.

(By the way, dinner that night was stupendous: duck confit and langoustines.)

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AS FOR THIS NEXT photo, all definitions and explanations escape me, at least insofar as aesthetics are concerned.  I only know that the shot was taken during the same  European expedition in September 2002, but in the heart of Paris. Apparently I was feeling “priestly” that day, though I can assure you it is merely a trick of the light and a Nehru-collared black button-down of which I was fond at the time. I suppose the crucifix was a bit much, but I was fond of that, too. I wonder whatever became of it? Hell’s bells, we’ll just call this “Father J Crossing the Seine” and leave things at that.

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Keep moving, y’all.

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Jonathan Kieran is the author of the Rowan Blaize series of epic contemporary fantasy books (Brightbourne 2012), as well as the critically acclaimed (Midwestern Book Review, Manhattan Book Review) Confessions From The Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop-Culture Zombies. His work has also been featured on The Daily Dot.com and in a plethora of other ‘zines, papers, and alt-weeklies. Click on the book covers above and to the right if you want to learn more about Jonathan’s titles and perhaps spend some of your hard-earned money on his multi-formatted gifts to the human race.

Jonathan is currently writing and illustrating a new masterpiece of epic dimensions. Drop-in once in awhile for updates. Mr. Kieran promises to provide them, but only once in awhile, because he doesn’t get paid to blog endlessly for free.

 

Post-Christmas Narcissistic Food Porn

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Yes, I am hereby and at last engaging in that ”time-honored” FB tradition of displaying one’s private FOOD PREPARATIONS for the awestruck wonderment of those inhabiting cyberspace. Because we ALL KNOW how crucial it is that untold others see exactly what we are about to put into our mouths and proceed to masticate, thus launching the arduous and biologically complex process of human digestion.

Whull, at least my Foodie Narcissism comes with a recipe that you, too, can perhaps implement in your own future efforts to flood the internet with visual information about items your teeth are eager to gnaw while your tongue makes a series of accompanying, helpful movments and saliva-drenched gyrations.

Behold (above) the centerpiece of my Christmas Day Lunch, or Lupper. Or brunch. Or Bupper.

8 Lamb Loin Chops, Marinated Overnight.

You’ll need: 8 Lamb loin chops (no kidding)

Salt them with a reasonable amount of kosher or sea salt. (Not too much!)

For your marinade: mince 8 or 9 cloves of garlic; chop finely one fresh “branch” of rosemary—about 2 heaping tablespoons worth, when chopped; chop finely one cluster of green onions, the kind you buy in any supermarket; using about a one-inch wide slice of lemon peel, create some lemon zest, chopped in a fine julienne style; add about a quarter cup of chopped purple onion; slop a few passes of good extra virgin olive oil in a skillet and then combine all the ingredients of the above-described marinade into a skillet or big baking dish.

Rub all eight of the lamb loin chops in the mess, coating both sides LIBERALLY. Cover and place in the fridge overnight.

When ready the next day, preheat your oven to 400 degrees, but cook the lamb chops on high heat atop the stove FIRST, about 2 minutes each side. You want to give them a nice, quick sear.

Next, transfer the lamb chops into a DIFFERENT baking dish or oven-safe skillet, and place them in the preheated oven. Cook ‘em for about 10 minutes, or 15 if you like your lamb well done 😩.

Meanwhile, reserve the “drippings” from your stovetop sear (including all the marinated bits). Strain the liquid, etc. through a mesh strainer into a saucepan. Add about a cup of chopped mushrooms (morels or brown button mushrooms are great—don’t use toadstools or hallucinogenic varieties.)

Cook the strained liquid and mushrooms on med-high heat in the saucepan. Add a bit of vegetable stock if you feel you don’t have enough broth. As the mushrooms give off their goodness and the liquid begins to reduce, add a small handful or flour or cornstarch to create a roux. Stir like mad with a bamboo whisk or wooden spoon to turn the roux, keeping it smooth and silky.

When your lamb loin chops are finished in the oven, serve them up and top them with sprigs of rosemary and your lamb roux/gravy. Voila!

I served this on Christmas Day with mashed potatoes (save some gravy for them taters!), brussels sprouts, homemade dungeness crab cakes, and an earthy pinot noir. No one keeled over. At least not from the food.

Trust me, it’s Ten Commandment-breaking good. Just like I hope your Christmas and New Year shall be. (Staying on the straight & narrow, of course.)

Happy Happy Times, Friends … Another Year Beckons. Whatever shall we do with it?

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Jonathan Kieran is the author of the Rowan Blaize series of epic contemporary fantasy books (Brightbourne 2012), as well as the critically acclaimed (Midwestern Book Review, Manhattan Book Review) Confessions From The Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop-Culture Zombies. His work has also been featured on The Daily Dot.com and in a plethora of other ‘zines, papers, and alt-weeklies. Click on the book covers above and to the right if you want to learn more about Jonathan’s titles and perhaps spend some of your hard-earned money on his multi-formatted gifts to the human race.
Jonathan is currently writing and illustrating a new masterpiece of epic dimensions. Drop-in once in awhile for updates. Mr. Kieran promises to provide them, but only once in awhile, because he doesn’t get paid to blog endlessly and believes that any “writer” who gives-away a lot of stuff for free is a Wattpadder or a Smashworder, not a writer.

Classic Kid-Kibble from Yesteryear! by Jonathan Kieran

POP HAZMAT-RETRO presents CLASSIC KID-KIBBLE from YESTERYEAR by JONATHAN KIERAN

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: BOO BERRY CRUNCH CEREAL (General Mills)

Wimpy Casper's dangerous "gangster" uncle pushing sugar-highs by the box? Probably.

Wimpy Casper’s dangerous “gangster” uncle pushing sugar-highs by the box? Probably.

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: As one of a trilogy of “monster-themed” cereals introduced by General Mills in the mid-1970s (along with Frankenberry and Count Chocula) Boo Berry Crunch was touted by its makers as “the first cereal to ever taste like blueberries.”

I have some good friends who operate one of those organic fruit farms here in Northern California. These fine people wouldn’t let so much as one luvin’ spoonful of Boo Berry Crunch pass their sustainable lips, but if they did, they would assure the world that Boo Berry Crunch did not taste remotely like blueberries. As I recall, Boo Berry Crunch tasted like crystallized drops of sugary summer sky that came to earth when a flying unicorn was strangled with the blue ribbon of a rainbow after a thunderstorm. Yeah, that’s what they tasted like. That and a slight nuance of Selsun Blue dandruff shampoo. I always wondered if there might have been a connection.

In any case, kids certainly overlooked any faint chemical undertones that might’ve been detectable in Boo Berry Crunch because, like any classic “gimmick cereal” of the 1980s, it contained enough high fructose corn syrup to keep you bouncing off the walls, swinging on the jungle-gym and running the streets like a fevered Tasmanian Devil until dusk. Cereals like Boo Berry Crunch were, however, the bane of conscientious mothers and their wheedling children. A mother with two brain cells to rub together wouldn’t let you go near the stuff, no matter how much you pleaded for “just one box,” dancing around in your duck-feet jammies.

“Those are junk cereals!” my mother would declare. “That stuff is bad for you. Here, have some of this Cream of Wheat.”

“I hate Cream of Wheat! You gotta put half the sugar-bowl on it to get it down.”

“Cream of Wheat is wholesome!” Mother would parry. “It’ll make you grow up big and strong.”

“I don’t wanna be big and strong. I want to taste that sweet Boo Berry goodness on my tongue. It’s fortified with two essential vitamins … and iron!”

“Oh, the company just puts that on the box because the government makes them do it. There’s no vitamins in that garbage. And you don’t need to eat cereals promoted by ghosts. Ghosts are the spirits of the dead. Boo Berry Crunch is nothing but necromancy in a brightly colored box. Do you know what that means?”

“Yeah, yeah. Deuteronomy says it’s the stuff Satan feeds his demon-spawn down in Hell. But can’t we just get one box? As a treat?”

“NO! Here, try a bowl of these nice Grape Nuts.”

“Mommy, no! ANYTHING but Grape Nuts! My gums will hemorrhage!”

It never worked, our pleas for Boo Berry Crunch, especially when Mother was in a spiritual phase. Sure, Boo Berry Crunch was probably “of the devil,” just like she claimed, but we didn’t fear hellfire all that much at age six and neither, apparently, did our next door neighbor, Barbra Smith. Barbra and her derelict boyfriend, Hank, were nice enough folks. Sometimes, on summer weekends, we were even allowed to play with their kids or camp out overnight in their yard while Barb and Hank knocked back whiskey sours and staggered across the patio to the sound of old Beach Boys records. The next morning, Barbara Smith never felt much like going through the complicated series of motions required to produce a pan of Cream of Wheat. That’s because she could barely stand. When we stormed her bedroom begging for breakfast, she’d throw a few pillows or maybe a pack of cigarettes at us and pull the covers over her head, groaning about the light in the room.

“It burns! It burns!” she would rasp.

Then she’d tell us to look under the kitchen sink and get the hell out of her hair, already.

Barbra Smith’s cupboards were stocked with every form of sugar-saturated kid kibble that a much sought-after rural hairdresser’s money could buy. Boo Berry Crunch was always prominently featured and we would end-up stuffing ourselves to the brink of diabetic comas until Barb and Hank finally drifted out of their bedroom around noon and started rummaging in the fridge for Bloody Mary fixings. By that time, we didn’t care about Saturday morning Adult Invasions. Our bellies were full and our minds were tweaking on Bugs Bunny reruns. My experience of forbidden Devil Cereals –along with the bliss of carefree childhood– was complete.

Thank God for alcoholic neighborhood moms.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?: Mothers (even drunken ones, apparently) got wise with the advent of the Information Super-Highway and thus all of the brain-rotting, tooth-emulsifying treats like Boo Berry Crunch swiftly went the way of the Twinkie. May they rest in pieces.

EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC: Part of the appeal of Boo Berry Crunch stemmed from the fact that it was one of the popular junk cereals fronted by a monster. Few kids in my day could resist the imprecations of a monster that promised a reliable sugar-high. Boo Berry Crunch had an extra advantage because my friends and I couldn’t stand that mealy-mouthed wimpy wonder, Casper the Friendly Ghost. “Boo” of Boo Berry Crunch, on the other hand, looked like he could’ve been Casper’s seedy, criminal uncle who earned a living as a supernatural bookie at some Ghostly Greyhound race track, or maybe as an inner-city loan shark. Boo was villainous and kind of “Peter Lorre henchman” creepy and that made you feel like a rule-breaking rebel, a real “bad boy” when you tore into a bowl of the good stuff Boo was pushing. What red-blooded American boy could have resisted that? Behold the very first General Mills commercial for Boo Berry Crunch cereal … in all of its Boo Berry Splendor.
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Jonathan Kieran is the author of the Rowan Blaize series of epic contemporary fantasy books (Brightbourne 2012), as well as the critically acclaimed (Midwestern Book Review, Manhattan Book Review) Confessions From The Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop-Culture Zombies. His work has also been featured on The Daily Dot.com and in a plethora of other ‘zines, papers, and alt-weeklies. Click on the book covers above and to the right if you want to learn more about Jonathan’s titles and perhaps spend some of your hard-earned money on his multi-formatted gifts to the human race.
Jonathan is currently writing and illustrating a new masterpiece of epic dimensions. Drop-in once in awhile for updates. Mr. Kieran promises to provide them, but only once in awhile, because he doesn’t get paid to blog endlessly and believes that any “writer” who gives-away a lot of stuff for free is a Wattpadder or a Smashworder.

Oh, Git’ Off the Bandwagon, Paula!

" ... then Cinderella became a princess and proceeded to revamp the outdated royal kitchens from top to bottom, employing only the finest workers from Nubia and insisting upon the use of sweet, creamy butter in every recipe! THE END."

” … then Cinderella became a princess and proceeded to revamp the outdated royal kitchens from top to bottom, employing only the finest workers from Nubia and insisting upon the use of sweet, creamy butter in every recipe! THE END.”

"Oh! Somebody stole my story. And right after I sold it to the Hallmark Channel, too!"

“Oh, Lord Jesus! Somebody stole my story. And right after I sold it to the Hallmark Channel, too!”

"But how's it gonna look if I try to sue Mother Goose? I can't take another PR disaster, y'all. Not so close to Christmas!  There's gotta be some other way to get folks back in my corner again."

“But how’s it gonna look if I try to sue Mother Goose? Damn that old woman! I can’t take another PR disaster, y’all. Not so close to Christmas! There’s gotta be some other way to get folks back in my corner again.”

"Would you believe it if I told you I gave myself two Benadryl at a cocktail party back in 1968 and woke up naked three days later next to a half-eaten Smithfield ham and a strange pair of men's underwear?"

“Uh … Would you believe it if I told you I gave myself two Benadryl at a cocktail party back in 1968 and woke up naked three days later next to a half-eaten Smithfield ham and a strange pair of men’s underwear?”

"I knew somethin' had gone horribly wrong because I was covered in mashed potatoes, y'all, but it wasn't butter on top of them 'taters. It was MARGARINE!"

“I knew somethin’ had gone horribly wrong because I was covered in mashed potatoes, y’all, but it wasn’t butter on top of them ‘taters. It was MARGARINE!”

"Not a day goes by that I don't live with the horror. [sniff` sniff`]"

“Not a day goes by that I don’t live with the horror. [sniff` sniff`]”


__
Jonathan Kieran is withdrawing from contemporary human society to protest a multitude of offenses against taste and decency, but that doesn’t mean you need to head for the hills. No! Let Mr. Kieran become your Vicarious Hermit, serving all of your needs for solitude and isolated contemplation by proxy, as it were. Otherwise, stick around: some form of epic and expectation-shattering work is slated for release in 2015. News about future books and Jonathan’s in-development multimedia production company will be forthcoming.

For your current reading pleasure, Jonathan is the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize books and novels. Visit Mr. Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile . . .

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of works. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below to learn more.

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

#FoodNetwork star Ina Garten wants to share a bit about her personal Lord & Savior …

"Fans of my show occasionally write to tell me that my success has been due to the calm and cheerful way I bond with viewers through the camera. They rave about the way every recipe just comes together in such  relaxed and laid-back atmosphere. But I'm here to tell you that being calm, relaxed and centered to the point of mild barbiturate sedation have had absolutely nothing to do with the success of my culinary empire."

“Fans of the show occasionally write to ask if my success is due to the calm-yet-moderately cheerful way I bond with viewers. People rave about how every recipe just seems to come together like magic in this relaxed and laid-back atmosphere. But I’m here to tell you that appearing calm, relaxed, and centered to the point of barbiturate sedation have absolutely nothing to do with the success of my culinary empire.”

"The flesh of one newborn billy-goat and three fluffy white bunnies sacrificed daily to Beelzebub, however, have everything to do with my success."

“The still-quivering flesh of one newborn billy-goat and three helpless kittens sacrificed daily to Beelzebub, Lord of All Darkness, however, have everything to do with it.”

"Never forget, viewers: in the entertainment industry, even a privileged Hamptons matron like me needs that extra little helping hand."

“Never forget, viewers: in the entertainment industry, even a politically privileged Hamptons matron like me can always use that extra helping hand.”

"So, until next time ... double, double, toil & trouble, from my kitchen to yours."

“So, until next time … double, double, toil & trouble. From my kitchen to yours.”


___
Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Toho Squab w/ The Barefoot Contessa! #FoodNetwork #satire

"Cooking with quail or Cornish game hens for the first time can be intimidating for a lot of people, but it doesn't have to be. The key is to select top-quality birds from your local butcher."

“Cooking with quail or Cornish game hens for the first time can be intimidating for a lot of people, but it doesn’t have to be. The secret is to select top-quality birds from your local butcher.”

"Usually I'll go for local free-range birds, but for this meal I wanted something a little more exotic. Luckily, my butcher had just received a pair of rare squabs caught in the South Pacific. These are real delicacies and he even caged them up for me at the store. Have a look!"

“Usually I settle for local free-range birds, but for this meal I wanted something a little more exotic. Luckily, my butcher had just received a pair of rare squabs caught in the South Pacific. These are real delicacies and he even caged them up for me at the store. Have a look!”

"Please! We're not meant to be eaten! We're fairy princesses from Infant Island. Some nearsighted poacher from Tokyo bagged us by mistake while we were bathing in a coconut. There's been a terrible mix-up. PLEASE set us free!"

“Please! We’re not meant to be eaten! We’re fairy princesses from Infant Island. Some nearsighted poacher from Tokyo bagged us by mistake while we were skinny-dipping in a coconut shell. There’s been a terrible mix-up. PLEASE set us free!”

"As you can tell from the incessant sounds of chirping and whining, this is one of the more irritating species of Asian quail. Don't let that dissuade you from a great recipe because the kitchen will be marvelously quiet once you throttle their little necks or toss them into a pot of boiling water with a happy little dash of Corsican sea-salt."

“As you can tell from the incessant sounds of chirping and whining, this is clearly one of the more irritating species of Asian quail. But don’t let that dissuade you from a great recipe. The kitchen will be marvelously quiet once you snap their little necks or toss them into a pot of boiling water with a dash of Corsican sea-salt!”

"Be warned, O plump but winsomely jolly American bird-eater! If anything should happen to us, the wrath of our mighty island god shall be swift upon your head! Do not threaten our necks, but fear for the one you seek to conceal with the upturned collar of that ridiculous blue smock!"

“Be warned, O plump but winsomely jolly American bird-eater! If anything should happen to us, the wrath of our mighty island god shall be swift upon your head! Do not threaten our necks, but fear for the neck you seek to conceal with the upturned collar of that insipid blue smock!”

"The best part of cooking exotic Asian quail is that you can get a little drunk on plum wine, which is later used to deglaze the pan." [`hiccup`]

Okay, between us girls and gays, the best part of cooking exotic Asian quail is that you can get a little drunk on plum wine, which is later used to deglaze the pan!”[`hiccup`]

"She's too tossed! Our spells won't work on her. Quick--call Mothra before it's too late!"

“She’s too tossed! Our spells won’t work on her. Quick … use our holy incantation to call Mothra before it’s too late!”

"Before you grab your tasty little birds, it's a good idea to prep your favorite side-dish. I serving corn for tonight's guests!"

“Before you throttle or fricassee your tasty little birds alive, it’s a good idea to prep your favorite side-dish. I’m serving organic corn with tonight’s main course!”

"Mosu-RAH, Ya! Mosu-RAH! Come and save us from this tubby indo-moo. Wakka wakka, HUNG! Koko Ping-Pong mahjong. Ramen noodles and dung. Miley Cyrus!"

“Mosu-RAH, Ya! Mosu-RAH! Come and save us from this tubby indo-moo. Wakka wakka HUNG! Koko Ping-Pong mahjong. Ramen noodles and dung. Miley Cyrus!”

"When the time comes to cook, don't be afraid to just reach into that cage and grab your supper!"

“When the time comes to cook, don’t be afraid to just reach into that cage and grab your supper!”

"WAIT! NO! Don't touch us! We haven't finished our song! We've got fleas! We swear! Omigosh, that manicure is hideous!"

“WAIT! NO! Don’t touch us! We haven’t finished our song! We’ve got fleas! We swear! Omigosh, that manicure is hideous!”

"See how easy that was? I didn't feel like hovering over a sauté pan today so I just dunked them, feathers and all, in a deep fryer. In just five minutes flat ..."

“See how easy that was? I didn’t feel like hovering over a sauté pan today so I just dunked them, feathers and all, in a deep fryer. In just five minutes flat …”

"... look at the golden brown goodness you'll be able to enjoy with your significant other. My husband Jeffrey will be so thrilled when I let him out of the cellar to get a whiff of THIS! Oh ... wait ... my phone's ringing ..."

“… look at the crispy, golden brown goodness you’ll be able to enjoy with your significant other. My husband Jeffrey will be so thrilled when I let him out of the cellar to get a whiff of THIS! Oh … wait … my phone’s ringing …”

"Hello? Michael? Is that you?"

“Hello? Michael? Is that you?”

"Hey, everyone, it's my friend Michael! He owns a doll-shop down by the seashore. God, he's such a hunk! I tell ya, if I weren't married ... Anyway, excuse me while I take this call."

“Hey, everyone, it’s my friend Michael! He’s the one who owns a doll-shop down by the seashore. God, he’s such a hunk! I tell ya, if I weren’t married … Anyway, excuse me while I take this call.”

"So what's that you were saying, Michael? Wait ... hold on, honey. I can't hear you. Have you got your sewing machine going? There's what? Giant WHAT? Coming ashore in the Hamptons? Oh, Michael ... what have I told you about drinking while you work with gingham? Look, I gotta go. Dinner's just about ready and I have to unchain Jeffrey. You know how he gets. Lemme call you tomorrow ... and lay off the Chantilly. Have yourself a little Klonopin. Take a nice nap. Okay, honey. Bye bye."

“So what’s that you were saying, Michael? Wait … hold on, honey. I can’t hear you. Have you got your sewing-machine going? There’s what? Giant WHAT? Coming ashore in the Hamptons? Oh, Michael … what have I told you about drinking while you work with gingham? Look, I gotta go. Dinner’s just about ready and I have to go unchain Jeffrey. You know how he gets. Lemme call you tomorrow … and lay off the Chantilly. Have yourself a little Klonopin. Take a nice nap. Okay, honey. Bye bye.”

"I swear, that Michael is such a handful, sometimes. It must be all that untamed testosterone just pent-up and swirly around with nowhere to go in manly, hairy bachelor-body of his. He drinks when he runs-up a new dress pattern and then starts seeing things. Sometimes he cries. The guy needs a woman in his life ... fast. But anyway, I need to plate up these Asian chicks."

“I swear, that Michael is such a handful, sometimes. It must be all the untamed testosterone just pent-up and swirling around with nowhere to go in that manly, hairy bachelor-body of his. I get the shivers just thinking about it. See, he gets to drinking whenever he runs-up a new dress pattern, like most men, and then starts seeing stuff that isn’t there. Giant monsters. You wouldn’t believe the shit. Sometimes he cries. The guy needs a wife in his life … fast. But anyway, I need to plate up these Asian chicks.”

"There. Doesn't that look great? I like to leave their little leg bones in because I find it enhances the flavor, but you can skin & bone yours before frying, if you want. Now, I'll just go get the key to Jeffrey's manacles and then ... HOLY SHIT! ... What the hell is that noise outside. My God, the house is shaking. It sounds like a locomotive coming up the driveway!"

“There. Doesn’t that look great? I like to leave their little leg bones in because I find it enhances the flavor, but you can skin & bone yours before frying, if you want. Now, I’ll just go get the key to Jeffrey’s manacles and then … HOLY SHIT! … What the hell is that noise outside? My God, the whole friggin’ house is shaking. It sounds like a locomotive coming up the driveway!”

"If Michael had some kind of hissy-fit and stole his mother's garden tractor to plow through my roses again, I'll kill him!"

“If Michael threw some kind of hissy-fit and stole his mother’s garden-tractor to plow through my roses again, I’ll kill him!”

"... Well, I better go and see what all the fuss is about, but I'm bringing a turkey-fork just in case. Drunken bachelors can be so mean ..."

“… Well, I better go out on the front porch and see what all the fuss is about, but I’m bringing a turkey-fork just in case. Drunken bachelors can be so mean …”


__

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Food-Chat w/ Barb & Paula …

"Life hasn't always been so glamorous for me, darling. Before marrying a Park Avenue proctologist, a girl from my part of town had to be frugal. Lucky for me I learned thrift at my mother's hooves."

“Life hasn’t always been so glamorous for me, Paula. Sure, things get easier when you marry a suave Park Avenue proctologist, but in the old days a girl from my part of town had to be frugal. Lucky for me I learned thrift at Mother’s hooves!”

"What was your mama's most valuable piece of advice, Barb?"

“And what was your sweet mama’s most valuable piece of advice, Barb?”

"Parents must set a good example and always clean their plate in front of the children ... even if one of the children happens to be on the plate."

“A parent must set a good example and always clean her plate in front of the children … even if one of the children happens to be on the plate.”

"Wonderful, Barb! Now that's what they call real 'home-cookin,' ain't it?"

“Now that’s what I call real ‘home-cookin’!”


___

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Fall 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads