We All Have Smooth, Buttery #Delusions …

I've seen a lot of folks come in and out of rehab trying to shake some hard-core monkeys off their backs, but I never experienced true horror until I saw what butter can do to the average human being.

“In my career I’ve seen a lot of folks come in and out of rehab trying to shake some hard-core monkeys off their backs, but I never experienced true horror until I saw what butter can do to the average human being.”

"Nurse Peggy, how can you say such a thing about somethin' as harmless as a stick of sweet butter? I been using it my whole life and I ain't turned-out so bad!"

“Nurse Peggy, how can you say such nasty things about somethin’ as harmless as a stick of sweet creamy butter? I been using it my whole life and I ain’t turned-out so bad!”

"Get back to your room, doll, or I'm gonna have to turn the hose on you again."

“Get back to your room, doll, or we’re gonna have to turn the hose on you again.”

"But no one should be ashamed of butter-love, Peg! Bible-worshipping, God-fearin' American families have been raised on the stuff ..."

“But no one should be ashamed of butter-love, Peg! Bible-worshipping, God-fearin’ American families have been raised on the stuff …”

"Why, look at this picture of my sister and her family. They eat butter ten times a day and there ain't nothing wrong with them! Look at the expression of tranquility in the eyes of her boys!"

“Why, look at this picture of my sister and her family. They eat butter ten times a day and there ain’t nothing wrong with them! Look at the expression of tranquility in the eyes of her boys!”

"Look at my own beautiful sons, Jamie and Bobby! Do you think they got such a healthy glow and fine bone-structure from SmartBeat? Hell no!"

“Look at my own beautiful sons, Jamie and Bobby! Do you think they got that healthy glow from SmartBeat? Hell no!”

"I warned you, Paula. You are hear to recover from your buttery delusions, not to perpetuate them. Boys, get on in here and take her back to solitary until she's lucid."

“I warned you, Paula. You are here to recover from your buttery delusions, not to perpetuate them. Boys, get on in here and take her back to solitary until she’s lucid.”

"Come quietly, Ms. Deen. We don't want to hurt you, but it would be a lot of fun if we could get away with it."

“Come quietly, Ms. Deen. We don’t want to hurt you, but it would be a lot of fun if we could get away with it.”

"[sniff` sniff`] How am I ever gonna have that Old Plantation Party if I'm kept in solitary?"

“[sniff` sniff`] How am I ever gonna have that Plantation Party if I’m kept in solitary?!”

"You could always try to escape by greasing the padlock."

“You could always try to escape by greasing the padlock.”

"With WHAT?"

“With WHAT?”

"Why don't you use a little B U T T E R ..."

“Why don’t you use a little B U T T E R …”

" !!!! "

” !!!! “


_____

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

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