Zanzibar Circus 5.11.17

NEW ZAN

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Jonathan Kieran is the author of Confessions from the Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop Culture Zombies (Brightbourne) as well as the Rowan Blaize series of epic contemporary fantasy books. He is also the creator of the comic strip Zanzibar Circus (or, in the case of today’s careless screw-up, Planet Zanzibar.) Look for an epic new tale of staggering proportions in 2018. Meanwhile explore this site to learn more about Jonathan’s current titles, or buy his books on Amazon by clicking the cover images to the right in the sidebar. Enjoy your life before the cataclysm strikes.

Happy Thanksgiving: Zanzibar Circus 11.22.16

… Make merry and be happy. Try not to strangle your liberal or conservative loved ones over the mashed potatoes.

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Jonathan Kieran is the author of Confessions from the Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop Culture Zombies (Brightbourne) as well as the Rowan Blaize series of epic contemporary fantasy books. He is also the creator of the comic strip Zanzibar Circus. Explore this site to learn more about Jonathan’s work, or buy his books on Amazon by clicking the cover images to the right in the sidebar.

At Last … Zanzibar Circus

Yes, I know: I’ve been threatening to release this comic tour-de-farce for months. Sorry, but there were so many other endeavors with which to occupy my questionable interests that I never got around to it until now. For example, it took me a significant amount of time to figure out how to operate the many sinister and relentless updates & upgrades foisted upon us tech-weary types by the erstwhile user-friendly Apple corporation. User-friendly. Talk about “once upon a time.”

Too, there were the recent holidays, a week’s impromptu sojourn in Las Vegas, and scattered bits of that random stuff they call “work.” Of course, a fair amount of existential anxiety about the state of our spiraling civilization had to be conjured, endured, and finally processed through the powers of my inestimable comprehension, to boot. You didn’t think I’d just interrupt the perfectly healthy flow of a Lifelong Panic Attack to draw little cartoons, did you?

At all events, it’s here. Zanzibar Circus. Rudimentary. Simple. Speaks for itself. No further introduction or explanation needed. Expect an installment every week or two.

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Jonathan Kieran is the author and illustrator of Confessions from the Comments Section: The Secret Lives of Internet Commenters and Other Pop Culture Zombies (Brightbourne), along with the Rowan Blaize series of contemporary fantasy books. He is also the creator of the Zanzibar Circus comic strip. Learn more about his books here at jonathankieran.com or buy them on Amazon by clicking the cover-links above on the right.

#SomewhereInEzekiel? …

"Nancy? Um ... Does babbling nonsense into the air make the invisible man in the sky feel good about himself? And what's with our arms? I mean, mine aren't very long. Is it really that important to be a couple of feet closer?"

“Nancy? Does babbling nonsense into the air make the invisible man in the clouds feel good about himself? And what the hell are we doing with our arms? I mean, mine aren’t very long. Is it that important to be a couple of feet closer? Does it make me a better Christian, this shit with the arms?”

"Not really. We do this to be ready when He sends down the heavenly shower of Skittles. Yea, glory! Taste the Rainbow, hallelujah!"

“Not really. We only do this to be ready when He smites Earth with the Heavenly Tempest of Skittles! Don’t you ever read the Scriptures, Sheila? Jesus Christ, get with the program. Now let me be. I feel an anointment of tongues coming on, bitch! Yon-dalla-walla-walla shandala King James shaniqua shaniqua Zanzibar-fondue macarena shandala Bible Bible Bible Bible!”

"Oh! Gummy nuggets of colored corn-syrup from God. We're SAVED!"

“Oh, praise Him! Gummy high-fructose Redemption Nuggets from Above! We’re SAVED!”

... Taste the Rainbow (Hallelujah)

… Taste the Rainbow (Hallelujah)

Strictly beer, burgers & brats. Wear shorts. Show off your #legs.

Mark Your Calendars! To Celebrate Halloween 2013, Jonathan’s wild & witchy All Hallows Eve-themed novel, Rowan Blaize and the Hand of Djin Rummy, will be available for FREE KINDLE E-BOOK DOWNLOAD from 12AM October 27 until midnight October 31! That’s 5 days to scoop-up this cauldron’s brew-of-a-tale, set amidst the magical mischief and mayhem of St. Augustine, America’s Oldest City. Click HERE when the time comes to fire-up the imagination (and your Kindle) this Halloween! See below for more details about the book …
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It’s going to be a simple affair–nothing fancy. I know you’ve come to expect exquisite and complex gastronomic masterpieces from me, and you have every right to desire more of my singular genius in that regard, but this Tuesday we’re going to strive to keep things simple. I’m talking burgers, brats, beer and maybe a bit of salad. Okay, you want appetizers? I’ll have chips and salsa. Happy now? Does that satisfy your greedy little mealy-mouthed palette? I’ll even start with my whirled-renowned homemade stuff. Here’s the bowl. Here’s my secret ingredient inside the bowl. All I need is the pestle. Where did I put that damned thing, anyway? And, hey! When it comes to recipes, don’t tell anyone. I mean it! Some of my guests are a little unsophisticated, they aren’t used to exotic ingredients, and I don’t feel like explaining a lot of culinary minutiae to them if they suddenly find themselves in some sort of “intestinal distress.” Like I care. To reiterate: This cookout is going to be low-key. No headaches.

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No, you don’t have to bring anything. In fact, you know what? Don’t even come. There’ll be more food for me, which is what I really want most in life, anyhow. There. I said it. The whole world knows. Big freakin’ deal. But if you do come, keep in mind that this is strictly a backyard, chillin’-on-the-deck sort of thing. The weather is supposed to be warm and sultry. Wear shorts. Show off your legs. All eight of them, if you want. I don’t mind. I really don’t.

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Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Elmo: Harmless hyperactive puppet or Spawn of Satan? #popculture #pophazmat #satire

POP HAZMAT presents THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTERS IN THE HISTORY OF KIDS’ TV! by JONATHAN KIERAN

TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: “ELMO” from Sesame Street

GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Puppeteer Kevin Clash and the entirety of Sesame Street’s secret cabal of Satan-worshippers.

Behold the Puppet of Cultural Damnation

Behold the Furry Vessel of Cultural Damnation

RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Elmo is a tatty little Sesame Street monster with fur that is roughly the color and texture of Lucifer’s toilet-seat cover in the Moldering Skull-Palace of Hell. Ostensibly meant to represent a hyperactive, shrieking toddler (and we all know there’s nothing on this earth more appealing than that), Elmo was a puppet that somehow managed to bore his way into the American zeitgeist … like a worm masticating its pulpy path to the rotting core of a once toothsome and shiny apple.

Sesame Street staff writer Nancy Sans is on record describing the exact origins of the Elmo character: “There was this extra red puppet lying around and the cast would pick him up sometimes and try to create a personality, but nothing seemed to materialize.”

HA! CORRECTION, Nancy: The useless puppet had no “personality” before some vagrant demon from the Festering Pit of Perdition happened to “materialize” and inhabit Elmo’s wretched husk, like Pazuzu zeroing-in on little Linda Blair until she was doing the crazy head-spins and reciting Satan’s Alphabet backwards! Isn’t that what you mean, Nancy?!?

Anyhow, my fond memory of Sesame Street’s line-up of comparably sedate, reasonable and witty monster-puppets was dashed with the advent of Elmo. When the creative forces behind Sesame Street decided to explore the culture of the frenzied, infantile, babbling, screeching self-absorbed ME Generation by foisting the abrasive Elmo upon us, the Gateway to Armageddon was opened yet another fateful inch. Back in the day, Bert and Ernie were more than capable of teaching children valuable lessons about the need to coexist with fellow humans who happened to be insufferable idiots. Big Bird and Snuffelupagus were perfect for molding young minds into reasonably well-adjusted analytical thinkers of the future. The Count and Cookie Monster had their troubling OCD issues, it’s true, but at least they were linear in their weirdness and prepared kids to deal with a world full of lovable eccentrics. Oscar was indeed grouchy and probably a closet Republican, but his politically incorrect complaints were always on-target. You could learn useful things from that trashy fellow.

But Elmo? What in the world did that abrasive beast ever do for the good of child development? The glory of Sesame Street’s other characters rested in the myriad ways in which a four year-old kid could observe diverse ideas, absorb didactic constructs and attain progressively maturing cognitive skills due to the clever and childishly colorful array of informative adult-like puppets. Elmo merely offered kids a reflection of their own wheedling, whining, disconnected, demanding, distracted and bratty selves! The wretched little freak even referred to itself constantly in the third-person. This alone must’ve engendered God-knows-how-many borderline personality disorders among the impressionable youth of the past few decades. Kids don’t need mirrors — they need teachers. Elmo held up the meaningless mirror of narcissism to children when he came along and now look at what people in their 20s are doing! They’re posing in front of the bathroom sink with smartphones and taking inappropriate “mirror-selfies” to distribute and disseminate to the vast self-absorbed hordes trolling incessantly like drooling ghouls in the lecherous labyrinth of social media.

This, my friends, is the work of ELMO. Trust a former child.

DEFINITIVE DIALOGUE: “Elmo has a question! ELMO HAS A QUESTION! ELMO HAS A QUESTION! ELMO HAS A QUESTION!ELMO HAS A QUESTIONNNNNNNNnnnnnnn!”

BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: This mealy-mouthed, falsetto-voiced harridan has rubbed elbows with everyone from Rosie O’Donnell to Martha Stewart to Emeril Lagasse. Along the way, he has been the subject of two feature films and spawned his own, colossally annoying “fad doll” — the Tickle Me Elmo product that caused brats worldwide to threaten hara-kiri if their parents weren’t willing to cold-cock someone to obtain one in the ensuing department store stampedes.

LAMENTABLE LEGACY: Kevin Clash, the creepy-looking man who routinely stuck his paw up Elmo’s backside for decades, was sued by a slew of young fellows who claimed that he had engaged in sexual relations with them when they were minors. Clash, who gave the Elmo puppet its dreadfully shrill voice and “personality,” resigned from his role amid the scandal, claiming innocence. Tickle Me, Elmo, indeed.

EXPERIENCE THE IRRITATION: Look at this this way, parents of the ’90s. At least you’re only partly to blame for how exceedingly warped your children turned-out.

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Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads