Nurse Peggy on family safari (with special guest) … #satire

Visiting family around the holidays is a lot like going on safari.

“Visiting family around the holidays is a lot like going on safari.”

"How do you figure that, Nurse Betty?"

“How do you figure that, Nurse Peggy?”

Observe things from a safe distance and you might learn something valuable. Get a little drunk and wander too close to the animals and you'll probably get eaten alive."

“Easy. Observe wildlife from a safe distance and you might learn something valuable. But get a little drunk and wander too close to the animals … and you’ll probably be eaten alive.”

"In my house it's best to get drunk at a safe distance and then eat EVERYTHING!"

“Then every holiday is like a safari, Peg. Only, at my house, it’s best to get drunk at a safe distance and then eat EVERYTHING!”

"Just as I suspected. Kenya has nothing on you, Paula."

“Just as I suspected, Paula. Safaris at the Deen house, indeed. Kenya has nothing on you.”

"Of course Kenya hasn't got anything on me. I never said one word about that rapper or the oily little Kardashian gal he married. Never! I'm innocent. Lord, I hope the media doesn't launch another witch-hunt. I can't take no more!"

“Of course Kenya hasn’t got anything on me. I never said one word about that nice rapper or the oily little gal he married — the one what likes to get peed-on. Never! I’m innocent. I swear. Lord, I hope the media doesn’t launch another witch-hunt. I can’t take a public relations disaster this year!”

"I swear, woman, you need to spend a year in Angola."

“I swear, woman, you need to spend a year with the people of Angola.”

"Angola? But I already know her people. Angola worked the salad station in my kitchen for years. Right?"

“Angola? But I already know her people, Peggy. Angola worked the salad station in my kitchen for twenty years. Lovely woman.”

"Did I really share a network with her? Really?"

“Did I really used to share a network with this individual? Really?”


__
Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Desperate times call for desperate pleasures. #marketing

"A woman knocked on my door at 7AM the other day, waved a Bible around for a minute and basically told me that if my brain-thoughts were not identical to her bran-thoughts, I would spend eternity being burned alive."

“A woman knocked on my door at 7AM this morning, waved a big book around, and basically told me that if my brain-thoughts were not identical to her brain-thoughts, I was gonna spend eternity being burned alive!”

"I bought a few things from her but, I tell ya ... those folks at Avon are getting a little pushy these days."

“Well, I bought a few things from her but I gotta tell ya … those broads at Avon are getting a little pushy these days.”


__

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

We All Have Smooth, Buttery #Delusions …

I've seen a lot of folks come in and out of rehab trying to shake some hard-core monkeys off their backs, but I never experienced true horror until I saw what butter can do to the average human being.

“In my career I’ve seen a lot of folks come in and out of rehab trying to shake some hard-core monkeys off their backs, but I never experienced true horror until I saw what butter can do to the average human being.”

"Nurse Peggy, how can you say such a thing about somethin' as harmless as a stick of sweet butter? I been using it my whole life and I ain't turned-out so bad!"

“Nurse Peggy, how can you say such nasty things about somethin’ as harmless as a stick of sweet creamy butter? I been using it my whole life and I ain’t turned-out so bad!”

"Get back to your room, doll, or I'm gonna have to turn the hose on you again."

“Get back to your room, doll, or we’re gonna have to turn the hose on you again.”

"But no one should be ashamed of butter-love, Peg! Bible-worshipping, God-fearin' American families have been raised on the stuff ..."

“But no one should be ashamed of butter-love, Peg! Bible-worshipping, God-fearin’ American families have been raised on the stuff …”

"Why, look at this picture of my sister and her family. They eat butter ten times a day and there ain't nothing wrong with them! Look at the expression of tranquility in the eyes of her boys!"

“Why, look at this picture of my sister and her family. They eat butter ten times a day and there ain’t nothing wrong with them! Look at the expression of tranquility in the eyes of her boys!”

"Look at my own beautiful sons, Jamie and Bobby! Do you think they got such a healthy glow and fine bone-structure from SmartBeat? Hell no!"

“Look at my own beautiful sons, Jamie and Bobby! Do you think they got that healthy glow from SmartBeat? Hell no!”

"I warned you, Paula. You are hear to recover from your buttery delusions, not to perpetuate them. Boys, get on in here and take her back to solitary until she's lucid."

“I warned you, Paula. You are here to recover from your buttery delusions, not to perpetuate them. Boys, get on in here and take her back to solitary until she’s lucid.”

"Come quietly, Ms. Deen. We don't want to hurt you, but it would be a lot of fun if we could get away with it."

“Come quietly, Ms. Deen. We don’t want to hurt you, but it would be a lot of fun if we could get away with it.”

"[sniff` sniff`] How am I ever gonna have that Old Plantation Party if I'm kept in solitary?"

“[sniff` sniff`] How am I ever gonna have that Plantation Party if I’m kept in solitary?!”

"You could always try to escape by greasing the padlock."

“You could always try to escape by greasing the padlock.”

"With WHAT?"

“With WHAT?”

"Why don't you use a little B U T T E R ..."

“Why don’t you use a little B U T T E R …”

" !!!! "

” !!!! “


_____

Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Nurse Peggy warns us about the dangers of #kale

kale

"Now, in my day, kale was just the big leafy bunch of nonsense a cook might use to fancy-up a plate of hot Southern goodness like the stuff you see below ..."

“In my day, kale was just a big leafy bunch of foolishness a cook might use to ‘fancy-up’ a plate of steaming Southern nutrition–just like the cuisine you see below …”

hongray

"Anybody with sense couldn't wait to yank that bushy garnish off their plate and shovel into their chicken-fried steak and savor lard the way God intended lard to be savored."

“Kale? Are you kidding me? Anybody with sense couldn’t wait to yank that bushy piece of pointless garnish off their plate and dive into their chicken-fried steak to savor lard the way God intended lard to be savored, just like that fine-looking American citizen is doing below …”

( brruuuuuupppppppp! )

( brruuuuuupppppppp! )

"Well, times certainly have changed, because I understand that anemic hippie women too weak from hunger to blow their own dripping noses are now chewing raw kale as a means of getting themselves through Pilates classes! I mean, these people are blending it up with peaches and sucking it down like it's dessert! I am not the only American girl who find this trend disturbing, either."

“Well, times certainly have changed, because I understand that anemic hippie-women too weak from hunger to blow their own dripping noses are now chewing raw kale as a means of getting themselves through Pilates class! I mean, these people are blending it up with peaches and sucking it down like it’s some kinda gott-damned dessert! I am not the only American girl who finds this trend disturbing, either.”

"Oh, Lord, please don't put that stinky green shrub in with our precious Georgia peaches! [ sniff` sniff`] Who would do that to an innocent little peach, Jesus? My Gawd, we used to feed kale to the hogs! Well, at least we did until poor Aunt Ruby fell into the sty in 1962 and then afterwards they'd only eat chicken dipped in a bit of Mary Kay Cosmetics, but this kale fad is an abomination. It ain't even in the Bible, is it? How much more have I gotta take this year, Lord? Kale's puttin' me out of business!" [sniff`sniff` bwuh-hoo-huh-hic`]

“Oh, Lord, please don’t put that stinky green shrub in with our precious Georgia peaches! [ sniff` sniff`] Who would do that to an innocent little peach, Jesus? My Gawd, we used to feed kale to the hogs! Well, at least we did until poor Aunt Ruby fell in the sty in 1962 and then afterwards they’d only eat chicken bones dipped in a li’l bit of Mary Kay Cosmetics … but this kale fad is an abomination! It ain’t even in the Bible, is it? How much more have I gotta take this year, Lord? Kale’s puttin’ me out of business!”[sniff`sniff` bwuh-hoo-huh-hic`]

"Testify, my sister! It's putting women like me out of business, too. Why, I used to make my vacation-money working overtime on the triple-bypass ward. Now that's all down the toilet due to kale, and I mean that literally. Squeaky clean colons won't get me to Vegas every year, honey."

“Testify, my sister! It’s putting women like me out of business, too. Why, I used to make my vacation-money working overtime on the triple-bypass wards. Now that’s all gone straight down the toilet due to kale, and I mean that literally. Squeaky-clean colons won’t get me to Vegas every year, honey. I mean, just look at this proud dingbat from California with his big-ass batch of Grade A intestinal-scrubber.”

[ Ohhh. Baby. Me. You. Naked. Ohhhh.]

[ Ohhh. Baby. Me. You. Naked. Ohhhh. Unnnghh. ]

"What can we do to turn it around, Peggy? My powers are weakened since I lost the favor of canned ham moguls."

“Lord above, that wormy little hippie looks like he’s gonna go home and smoke that kale, Peggy! What can we do to defeat this evil, darlin’? My powers have weakened since I lost favor with the canned ham moguls.”[ `bwehhh `sniff `buh-hoo-hew-hchh`]

"The solution is simple, babe. We start spreading a rumor that kale is a plant secretly bioengineered by mad Republican scientists to eliminate the muscle tone of every progressive in the country. The kale market will crash, people will turn back to godly food, and I'll be in Vegas quicker'n them razorbacks gnawed the toes off your Aunt Ruby."

“The solution is simple, babe. We start spreading a rumor that kale is a plant secretly bioengineered by mad Republican scientists to eliminate the muscle tone of every progressive in the country and render them unable to resist the coming Apocalypse. The kale market will crash, people will turn back to godly food, and I’ll be in Vegas quicker’n them razorbacks gnawed the face off your Aunt Ruby in ’62.”

"Oh! That's a fabulous idea, Peggy! You're a genius! No Republican would touch a piece of kale. Why, I might even be able to rebuild my buttery kingdom!"

“Oh! That’s a fabulous idea, Peggy! You’re a genius! No Republican would touch a piece of kale. Belly-up those growers would go. Why, I might even be able to rebuild my buttery kingdom!”

"I wouldn't get my hopes-up on that part, doll. Getting rid of the scourge of kale is one thing ... getting them to overlook your special kind of crazy is another."

“I wouldn’t get my hopes up on that part, doll. Getting rid of the scourge of kale is one thing … getting a nation to overlook your special kind of crazy is another.”

[ Buhhhhh-`sniff `sniff `snork ... ]

[ Buhhhhh-`sniff `sniff `snork … ]

kale
____
Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel is slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Nurse Peggy: not impressed by fancy accents. #BritishLife

"Last week, one of my patients said to me, 'Nurse Peggy, if only I had conducted my life in a respectable and dignified manner, like those classy British people on that Downton Abbey program, I might not be on this waiting list, desperate for a new liver!' "

“Last week, one of my patients said to me, ‘Nurse Peggy, if only I had conducted my life in a respectable and dignified manner, like those classy British people on that Downton Abbey program, I might not be on this waiting list, desperate for a new liver!'”

"I took one look at him and I said, 'Honey, if you think those snaggletoothed people across the sea are all about tea, crumpets, and fancy accents that can make someone like Madonna believe she's a well-bred noblewoman, you need to look at these.' Then I showed him some photos of typical British folk taken by the Daily Mail over the holidays."

“I took one look at him and I said, ‘Honey, if you think those snaggletoothed people across the sea are all about tea, crumpets, and fancy accents that’ll make someone like Madonna believe she’s a well-bred noblewoman, then you need to look at these.’ Then I showed him some photos of typical British folk taken by the Daily Mail over the holidays.”

Bangers & Mash!

Bangers & Mash!

Toad-in-the-Hole!

Toad-in-the-Hole!

Cheerios, [on the pavement] old chap!

Cheerios, [on the pavement] old chap!

"So, whenever Maggie Dench or Judi Smith or whoever the hell they are turn-on that sparkling British charm and make you American slobs feel all coarse & inferior this holiday season, just take a look at the Daily Mail and thank Paul Revere's lathered horse that you are not this very minute passed-out on Carnaby Street in a disgraceful puddle of your own vomit and existential regret. Happy Holidays, everyone! From my ward to yours. Drink responsibly. And stay away from the British."

“So, whenever Maggie Dench or Judi Smith or whomever the hell they are turn-on that British charm and make you American slobs feel all coarse & inferior this holiday season, just take a look at the Daily Mail and thank Paul Revere’s lathered horse that you are not this very minute passed-out on Carnaby Street in a disgraceful puddle of your own vomit and existential regret. Happy Holidays, everyone! From my ward to yours. Drink responsibly. And stay away from the British.”


* * *
"I would like to assert with AWL possible expedience and assorted what-not, that I, as an Englishwoman with significant ties to the 48th Earl of FrothenWhistle and membership in the most Honorable House of Lord SturdyThatches, that the above photo-GRAWWPHS do not represent the rank of file of British society as I have come to know and shamelessly assimilate it. Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll be taking tea with the Queen. Come, darling. We musn't keep Elton waiting."

AHEM! I would like to assert with AWL possible expedience and assorted what-not, that I, as an Englishwoman with significant ties to the 48th Earl of FrothenWhistle, and membership in the most Honorable House of Lord SturdyThatches, believe the above photo-GRAWWPHS do not represent the rank-and-file of British society as I have come to know and shamelessly assimilate it! Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be taking tea with the Queen. Come, darling. We musn’t keep Elton waiting. Tallyme! Er … tallyho!”


________
Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel is slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

#Wisdom from Nurse Peggy … #goodadvice

"...and remember: stress is your biggest enemy this holiday season! I don't want to see any of you ending up on my shift, so avoid stampeding mobs of shoppers, stay away from family members you'd love to bash with a shovel, and don't forget to BREATHE. Several deep, luxurious breaths are like a magic carpet-ride on your journey to tranquility. If that doesn't work, drink heavily. Drink like you intend to reduce your brain-matter to the color and consistency of a fine crème brulee. I'm working weekends at the rehab center, so your downfall is my trip to Fiji. It all balances out in the end. Happy Holidays, folks."

“…and remember: stress is your biggest enemy this holiday season! I don’t want to see any of you ending-up on my ward, so avoid stampeding mobs of shoppers, stay away from family members you’d love to bash with a shovel, and don’t forget to BREATHE. Several deep, luxurious breaths are like a magic carpet-ride on your journey to Yuletide tranquility.”

"If that doesn't work ... drink heavily. Drink like you intend to reduce your brain-matter to the color and consistency of a fine crème brulee. I'm working weekends at the rehab center, so your downfall is my trip to Fiji. See? It all balances out in the end. Happy Holidays!"

“And if that doesn’t work … drink heavily. Drink like you intend to reduce your brain-matter to the color and consistency of a fine crème brulee. I’m working weekends at the rehab center to pick up some hours, so your alcoholic downfall is my upcoming trip to Fiji. See, it all balances out in the end. Capiche? Happy freakin’ Holidays.”


_____________
Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads