HAZMAT-RETRO SATIRE: Questionable Toys for Tots (The Pole-Dance Doll)
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF FAME (QUESTIONABLE TOYS FOR TOTS) posted by JONATHAN KIERAN
TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: The Pole-Dance Doll! by Whizmodo
RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Yes, this doll was ACTUALLY manufactured and tainting toy-store shelves a few years ago, inching the world ever closer to a direct-hit by an asteroid or a galloping visit from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This is why minds like mine turn to writing Good vs. Evil contemporary fantasy novels, people. Never the less, one can easily imagine the advertising copy that might have contributed to the roll-out for a “doll” like this:
Listen-up, moms of America! Christmas is only nine months away and you’re already pulling your hair out at the roots, wondering what in the world to buy for your loved ones. Well, you can expel a deep sigh of relief and cross any aspiring skanks right off that list … without “checking it twice”!
That’s right, if you’re eager to get your five year-old a toy that is not only fun but educational and conducive to future career-building, the Pole-Dance Doll is just the ticket! Isn’t this the cutest, most precious thing you’ve ever seen? The Pole-Dance Doll is certain to bring hours and hours of family fun to your modern-minded household. Think of little Hannah’s face when she viciously rips open her brightly colored package on Christmas day and discovers that Santa has blessed her with her very own Pole-Dance Doll! She’ll faint with joy, or, better yet, she’ll probably start looking for some bannister, or perhaps the cat’s scratching-post, to swing-around. You’ll cry, you’ll clap, and you’ll definitely want to have the video-cam rolling for that special moment. The Pole-Dance Doll is an answer to your holiday prayers. It comes with its own little trollop-stage (“pole” included) and is guaranteed to “move up and down” and “around and around” to “music.”
Yes, the fine minds at Whizmodo created what’s certain to become a staple beneath the ol’ Christmas tree each year. Best of all, the Pole-Dance Doll dovetails ideally with the themes and trends that are most cherished in contemporary American culture. Come on folks, we all want our daughters to become successful “businesswomen,” just like the girls they see on TV and in magazines! If you want little Ashley or Emma to have the slightest chance of ever getting her own reality show (or at least guest-starring on one), then you’ll run –not walk– and snatch this doll from the nearest purveyor of fine children’s toys. Yes, snatch it!
Come on, Mom! Everyone knows it’s cool to be a slinky strumpet these days. It’s “in” to be a brainless harlot! Where have you been? Do you want your daughter to hate you forever? Do you want her to blame you for ruining her opportunities for respectable advancement in a highly competitive society? Moms across the nation are already reaping the exercise benefits of swinging ’round stripper poles in their own bedrooms. Why, a neighborly dinner-party without a stripper-pole isn’t even a party at all, these days!
Don’t be such a fuddy-duddy! Strippers are no longer relegated to the seedy, flea-bitten, wrong-side-of-the-tracks fringes of society. No! They’re mainstream, now! Harmless. Everyone’s joining the fun, so lose those annoying little inhibitions and Get Into the SWING!
AND CHECK-OUT OUR DOLLS COMING SOON:
“Knocked-Up Teen Tanya”
Tanya is a fabulous doll that comes with a tiny “illegitimate infant” figurine inside her belly which may be “pushed out” whenever your child wants. Miniature shopping-mall toilet is optional. Playtime welfare-checks and government cheese sold separately.
Rebecca is a doll that comes with a complete line of “playtime” Oxycontin pills –they’re edible for kids!– a cute little crack-pipe, and two sold-separately “best friend” dolls: Back Alley Brenda and Peterson the Pusher.
EXPERIENCE THE MAGIC: Somehow, I’m sensing Japanese involvement, here.
Seriously, friends … Stop the world. I think I want to jump off.
Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if Only for a Few Hours. Get acquainted with the comparatively sane world of Rowan Blaize …
One witty 2,800 year-old warlock. A suspicious storm that hurls him to earth near London. A goddess who wants to destroy the world. The catch? She needs Rowan’s face. REMOVED.
A deliciously twisted magical adventure is born with Rowan Blaize and the Enchanted Heritage Chronicles. Use any of the Rowan Blaize book icons on the upper-right (or use the links below) to learn more or purchase with an enchanted click.