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Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: “TAN MOM” Releases Music Video. Asteroid Approaches Earth in Nick of Time. Posted by JONATHAN KIERAN
CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: NOT EVEN QUANTIFIABLE
RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Our putrefying culture remains one in which disreputable dirtbags (who ought to be relegated to the desolate Fringes of Chaos) feel quite encouraged to flaunt their willfully degraded, deliberately vulgar and aggressively shameless selves on film, as if mainstream society had thrown-down a “Welcome” mat and had extended to these reprobates a permanent invitation to drop-in unannounced for cocktails. Wait. Did I say: “as if society had …”? Excuse the blunder. Mainstream society has thrown-down the “Welcome” mat for these derelicts … and the mat is swiftly becoming a red carpet.
EXISTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS: The asteroid can’t get here swiftly enough and it may miss the globe altogether. Bummer.
TAKE-AWAY QUOTE: “I’m tan mom, bitch! I’m the cool one. I’ll give you a treat, to see my goodies browned.”
THERAPEUTIC CINEMA: The Road (2009) To evoke a landscape where “Tan Mom” will hopefully be found one day, wandering aimlessly with a thermos of tequila until she stumbles unaware into an encampment of starving cannibals and slovenly offers to shake her “goodies browned” for their entertainment. Please. Someone make that movie and give her a graphic cameo. I’ll be the one down in the front row with a jumbo-sized popcorn and a bag of Red Vines.
DETOX DINNER: This is a no-brainer. Go to the market and buy yourself one of those hot, greasy, fully-cooked and hormone-injected rotisserie chickens. It’ll be like having your very own “Tan Mom” over for dinner. Literally. The two are virtually indistinguishable. See for yourself …
FURTHER READING: Divine Carnage … so you can read about the Emperor Caligula and his particular era. Don’t worry: if you’re currently living in the United States of America, you’ll feel right at home with this book. Everything will be uncannily familiar. In fact, you’ll be wondering when they’ll get to the part of the story where “Tan Mom” is awarded a seat in the Senate!
Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, Friends, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …
Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)
Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that might just destroy the world.
Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.
Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
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Rowan Blaize Official Website