Author: Jonathan Kieran
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HAZMAT-RETRO HALL of LAME (LOVABLY BAD CINEMA): Goo-Lovin’ Giants … In their Own Village!
HAZMAT-RETRO HALL OF LAME (LOVABLY BAD CINEMA) TODAY’S DUBIOUS HONOREE: VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS (1965) GUILTY OF VEHICULAR FANSLAUGHTER: Director: Bert Gordon with “Stars”: Beau Bridges, Tommy Kirk, Joy Harmon, Johnny Crawford, Ron Howard, Robert Random, Toni Basil, Vicki London,…
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Pop HazMat Alert: PETA Weeps Over Abused Pool-Shark from Van Nuys … Kmart Circles Wagons
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Humane Group Probing Death of Shark in Kmart Commercial Shoot CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9. 5 (Near-Catastrophic. Target would have handled this with so much more dignity.] RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Despite frenzied attempts at revivification via oxygen and…
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Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t Make the Roach Ride in Coach!
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Greyhound Bus Forced to Pull Over After Cockroaches Complain About Infestation of Humans* CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 7.5 [Considerable. The cockroaches were not at all pleased with the quality of Greyhound’s human clientele and were worried about…
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Pop HazMat Alert: Famous Old Maneating Reptile Dies in Philippines (Not Imelda Marcos)
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: World’s Largest Saltwater Crocodile in Captivity Dies in the Philippines CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 7 [Reports indicate that the recently deceased tourist-attraction will be stuffed, shellacked, and replaced with two more animals destined to be taunted with…
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Pop HazMat Alert: American Birds Migrating (For Their Very Lives) to North Korea?
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: North Korean Film Claims Americans Eat Snow, Live in Tents, Shoot Children CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT:6.5 = Significant, particularly if North Koreans derived this intelligence from Dennis Rodman (see photo above). RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: North Korea, a nation…
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Pop HazMat Alert: Don’t “Pet the Dolphin”!
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: 3 Killer Commando Dolphins from Ukraine on the Loose CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 2 & 1/2. Negligible, particularly if killer dolphins are armed with mines and speeding toward infamous Carnival Cruise ship, Triumph, AKA “Fabled Floating City…
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Pop HazMat Alert: A Foreshock for Something Larger
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: “So-Cal Quake Could be Foreshock for Something Larger” CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 1.5 (Negligible: 8 out of 10 scientists surveyed now believe cataclysms are “restorative experiences”.) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: The “Big One” is imminent, at least in the…
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Let’s Just Add to the Stress-Heap, Shall We? GRAPHIC NOVEL IN-THE-WORKS
As if I wasn’t grumpy enough due to concerns about the upcoming book-trailer and audiobook adaptations of my Rowan Blaize series (recently launched by the lovely Brightbourne folk), to say nothing of the fourth installment arriving in October, but the…
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Nobody’s Byzness but the Turks’ : Norwich Proves Human History Looks Ghastlier When Condensed
Oh, the humanity! Oh, the inhumanity! Oh, the beheadings, pillagings, assassinations, blindings, intrigues, tonsurings, tongue-splittings, nose-slicings, banishments, castrations, buggerings, fornications, tonsurings, infanticides, icon-smashings, and war, war, war, war, WAR. And you get all of that even before the First Crusade…
Jonathan Kieran 