Reality TV is the Butt-Thermometer: American Society is the Fevered Orifice…

"I thought American culture could not sink any lower, Barbra, and then I learn that MTV is about to produce a reality show centered upon young women competing to lose their virginity. So degrading! What's next in this sick society, I ask you--Cannibals Wars of LA County?"

“You know, I thought our culture could sink no lower, Barbra, and then I learned from those demure and highly intellectual ladies on The View that MTV is producing a reality show about young women competing to lose their virginity. Can you believe it? Well, it’s time for my family to get rid of the television set. I mean, what’s next in this sick society–Cannibal Cook-Offs of Calaveras County?”

conclusion gossip

"Come to think of it, Barbra, if a cannibal reality series featured that tubby schmuck from Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives roasting one or two Kardashians over a BBQ-pit, I'd bankroll the Emmy campaign myself."

“Come to think of it, Barbra, if a cannibal reality series featured that tubby schmuck from Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives roasting even one of the Kardashians over a BBQ-pit, I’d bankroll the Emmy campaign myself.”

conclusion gossip
___
Jonathan Kieran is slowly withdrawing from contemporary human society in protest against a myriad of offenses against taste and decency, but his epic new novel is slated for release in 2015. Stay tuned for more news about the book in coming months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Wiping Howards End? #satire #culturaldecline

"Listen, everyone! Oxford scientists predict that, given the current epidemic of blithering stupidity,  99% of the human population will, in fact, no longer be intellectually capable of wiping their own arse-holes properly. Meg, I can't believe it!"

“Listen to this, everyone! Oxford scientists calculate that, given the current epidemic of blithering stupidity and the ongoing plunge of attention-spans toward a state of widespread catatonia, 99% of the human population will soon be intellectually incapable of producing the specific series of coordinated movements required to wipe their own arse-holes!”

"My word, Helen, that is most distressing news to hear so soon after tea. Tell me, do the scientists mention anything about Google perhaps inventing some sort of device capable of wiping such an inordinately large number of arse-holes on behalf of these poor disabled individuals?"

“My word, Helen, that is most distressing news. You really could have saved it until after tea. Tell me, do the scientists mention anything about Google perhaps inventing some sort of future device capable of wiping such an inordinately large number of unclean arse-holes on behalf of these individuals?”

"Not a word, Meg. In fact, some researchers indicate that every family already has at least one member who has secretly lost the cognitive ability to wipe. Good gracious, Meg, it could be any of us!"

“Not a word, Meg. In fact, some researchers indicate that most families now have at least one member who’s already lost the cognitive ability to wipe. Good gracious, Meg, it could be any one of us!”

"Well, I can assure you it isn't I. My faculties are as lively as ever and things are ship-shape and Bristol fashion with my bum. Perhaps it's Tibby."

“Well, I can assure you it is not I. My mental faculties are as lively as ever, and, if you really must know, my bum has always been ship-shape and Bristol fashion. Clean as a pennywhistle. No odd business down there. Perhaps it’s Tibby.”

"NO, Meg! Not our poor, dear sweet Tibby!"

“NO, Meg! Not our poor, dear sweet Tibby! He can’t possibly become one of the great unwiped! I can’t bear to think of it.”

"We must brace ourselves for the eventuality, Helen. And if 99 percent of the population is destined to suffer such a repulsive form of decline, then we must do everything in our power to remain firmly in the fragrant 1 percent."

“I’m afraid we must brace ourselves for every eventuality, Helen. And if 99 percent of the population is truly destined to suffer such a repulsive form of decline, then we must do everything in our power to remain firmly rooted in the fragrant one percent.”

"The One Percent, Meg? Isn't that rather politically unfashionable?"

“The One Percent, Meg? But … isn’t that rather politically unfashionable?”

"Would you prefer the alternative, Helen? It will be most squishy."

“Would you prefer the alternative, Helen? I promise you it shall be most squishy indeed.”

"The One Percent it shall be, then. But what about the others, Meg? Our friends. Our neighbors. The grocer who handles our peaches. The cook who bakes our scones. How shall we ever go on in such a dreadfully incontinent world?"

“Good heavens! One Percent it shall be, then. But what about the others, Meg? Our friends. Our neighbors. The grocer who handles our peaches. How shall we ever go on in such a dreadfully incontinent world?”

"The same way we always have, my darling ... by holding each other close, cherishing every moment as if it were our last. Now ... excuse me, Tibby, but would you kindly go stand in another room until Helen and I have found a new place to live? That's a luv."

“The same way we always have, my darling–by holding each other close and cherishing every moment as if it were going to be our last. Now … Tibby, darling. Would you kindly walk away from us and go stand in another room until Helen and I have found a new place to live? There’s a luv.”


__
An epic new novel by Jonathan Kieran is slated for release in 2015. Stay tuned for more news about the book in coming months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

I was still willing to give cinema the benefit of the doubt. Then I saw Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters #despair

Look, this film is not going to get an in-depth review because it doesn’t merit one, but I do have a few pointed remarks I would like to share out of what you might call an overriding sense of colossal umbrage, or something. I happened to catch Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters on Netflix while stuck in a hotel room in Santa Cruz, not really eager to leave the joint because about thirty homies were being arrested by the entire CHP (with Swat Team) at the Velero gas-station across the street outside and twelve different varieties of Swamp People (and others from Louisiana) inhabiting the rest of the hot-button hotel TV Channels didn’t really interest me. I will say this, however:

In the annals of truly execrable fantasy/action flicks, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is a particularly corn-riddled piece of sewage that rises –doubling, toiling, bubbling, and troubling– above all other festering floaters to attain an incomparable stench at the apex of the Hollywood zeitgeist’s most agonizing bowel movement. EVER. This film is the pinnacle of bowl-swirling revulsion. It is the metaphysical triumph of the Fecal over the Feasible. If anyone doubts that our society of lobotomized, nihilistic sociopaths is on the ascendency, gaze at the positive reviews for this wretched cinematic slap in the face of coherence on Amazon (and elsewhere) and doubt no longer.

To begin, the premise was actually interesting: storybook faves Hansel and Gretel survive their post-traumatic gingerbread nightmares to grow-up and become avid witch-destroyers. So many imaginative, exciting, funny, ironic, satirical, scary and even MEDIOCRE things could have been done with that basic plot-line alone, but this Simmering Stew of Stool-Samples fails to even hit the level of mediocrity.

The dialogue is ludicrously bad: it was clearly written by the kind of 21 year-old college graduates who emerge as utterly illiterate as they were before their “higher educational” years, probably armed with BA degrees in The Ramifications of Pole-Dancing for Comic-Book Design Trends or The Sociological Implications of XBox Video-Character Motivation. These pungent examples of American aptitude then hitch-hiked to LA and offered their orifices in earnest for a chance to enter the Tinsel Town Collective and display their world-class creative chops, living six-to-an-apartment until someone from the AMC zombie-show finally noticed their “work” and rescued them from having to toil for the kind of people who greenlight toxic effluvia like Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.

Or, one could say that this ghastly piece of brain-sludge plays-out like a cheap video game from the early ’90s, designed by catatonic Japanese gamers trying to approximate an American fairy tale after reading a synopsis translated from English into Sanskrit into Chinese into Japanese and then back into English. It doesn’t have to be blamed entirely upon America.

The action sequences are toddler-level in conviction and, in contemporary film tradition, everything about this wreck is arbitrary, dimwitted, and utterly disconnected from any purposeful trajectory.

The performances are repugnant –all of them.

The CGI is half-baked. The witches look like diseased wax-figures in need of potent antibiotics from the free clinic. The story is a mangled piece of pork gristle.

And Famke Janssen … Oh, Famke Janssen has hit a Career Doom-Wall with such devastating impact and velocity that we imagine she signed all the necessary “Do Not Resuscitate” papers just before inking the contract for this epic. Yep, Dr. Tender Titties from X-Men: Wolverine’s Wet-Dream is looking awfully embarrassed as Ms. Big Baddest Sorceress in Hansel & Gretel, and deservedly so. Someone clearly needed a quick check and needed it bad. Famke sleepwalks through this travesty without even the decency to suppress her anguish at imminent home-foreclosure (or whatever caused her to take this job) and camp-it-up on camera as a sheer coping mechanism. She could have at least done that, since it’s obvious everyone is going straight down the sluice that leads directly to Hell’s Central Sewage-Treatment Plant. But who can blame Famke? One hopes she was heavily sedated during the “filming” of this barrel of sun-burned fish-guts. I watched her hit her pathetic marks during this “movie” and truly imagined the shrill, squealing fights she must’ve had with the director (Who Shall Not Be Named)–screeching and begging and probably scratching her own face with little razors in anguish:

“PLEASE, can I do this whole movie in the cheap CVS Drugstore Halloween mask so the crowds of ill-bred millennial spawn drooling into their popcorn will never know it’s ME? Please?”

Too bad for you, Famke Janssen, and too bad for those members of humanity who enjoy watching decent fantasy flicks. Our Entertainment Culture receives yet another nail in its already overloaded coffin. And there’s going to be a sequel because this work of art was so WELL-RECEIVED. A franchise is stillborn! Prepare the klieg lights, boys!

One star is given for the set-designers, who seem to have been the only people who believed they were actually getting paid to do a legitimate job in the making of this bewildering atrocity.

Otherwise, I say: “Long live the Stupids of the world!” (Because the more they multiply, the easier it becomes for the Rest of Us to recognize their physical characteristics and stay far, far away from them.)
__
Jonathan Kieran’s new novel is slated for release in Autumn 2014. Look for news about the book here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Because we all know #anyone can do it. #trueartistry

miss teen
_________

Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel is slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Nurse Peggy: not impressed by fancy accents. #BritishLife

"Last week, one of my patients said to me, 'Nurse Peggy, if only I had conducted my life in a respectable and dignified manner, like those classy British people on that Downton Abbey program, I might not be on this waiting list, desperate for a new liver!' "

“Last week, one of my patients said to me, ‘Nurse Peggy, if only I had conducted my life in a respectable and dignified manner, like those classy British people on that Downton Abbey program, I might not be on this waiting list, desperate for a new liver!'”

"I took one look at him and I said, 'Honey, if you think those snaggletoothed people across the sea are all about tea, crumpets, and fancy accents that can make someone like Madonna believe she's a well-bred noblewoman, you need to look at these.' Then I showed him some photos of typical British folk taken by the Daily Mail over the holidays."

“I took one look at him and I said, ‘Honey, if you think those snaggletoothed people across the sea are all about tea, crumpets, and fancy accents that’ll make someone like Madonna believe she’s a well-bred noblewoman, then you need to look at these.’ Then I showed him some photos of typical British folk taken by the Daily Mail over the holidays.”

Bangers & Mash!

Bangers & Mash!

Toad-in-the-Hole!

Toad-in-the-Hole!

Cheerios, [on the pavement] old chap!

Cheerios, [on the pavement] old chap!

"So, whenever Maggie Dench or Judi Smith or whoever the hell they are turn-on that sparkling British charm and make you American slobs feel all coarse & inferior this holiday season, just take a look at the Daily Mail and thank Paul Revere's lathered horse that you are not this very minute passed-out on Carnaby Street in a disgraceful puddle of your own vomit and existential regret. Happy Holidays, everyone! From my ward to yours. Drink responsibly. And stay away from the British."

“So, whenever Maggie Dench or Judi Smith or whomever the hell they are turn-on that British charm and make you American slobs feel all coarse & inferior this holiday season, just take a look at the Daily Mail and thank Paul Revere’s lathered horse that you are not this very minute passed-out on Carnaby Street in a disgraceful puddle of your own vomit and existential regret. Happy Holidays, everyone! From my ward to yours. Drink responsibly. And stay away from the British.”


* * *
"I would like to assert with AWL possible expedience and assorted what-not, that I, as an Englishwoman with significant ties to the 48th Earl of FrothenWhistle and membership in the most Honorable House of Lord SturdyThatches, that the above photo-GRAWWPHS do not represent the rank of file of British society as I have come to know and shamelessly assimilate it. Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll be taking tea with the Queen. Come, darling. We musn't keep Elton waiting."

AHEM! I would like to assert with AWL possible expedience and assorted what-not, that I, as an Englishwoman with significant ties to the 48th Earl of FrothenWhistle, and membership in the most Honorable House of Lord SturdyThatches, believe the above photo-GRAWWPHS do not represent the rank-and-file of British society as I have come to know and shamelessly assimilate it! Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be taking tea with the Queen. Come, darling. We musn’t keep Elton waiting. Tallyme! Er … tallyho!”


________
Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel is slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Don’t let the crocodile tears fool you. Little Karen plotted Frosty’s demise. #holidaycheer

I confess to undergoing a somewhat disturbing phase in my youth–one in which I imagined utterly cheerless “alternative plots” and dark, warped endings to various beloved Christmas cartoons (particularly ones featuring cherubic little girls who were really snow-murderesses in disguise). I’m getting the help I need, but admit to being thrilled when Frosty first met his Rankin & Bass doom. Frosty was such a putz. Below is a G-Rated excerpt from a poem I wrote to illustrate my preferred version of the so-called “Professor Hinkle Incident.” Thumpity-thump-thump.

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul ... but little Karen was a girl whose heart was black as coal. She lured him to a greenhouse with her dimpled, precious smile ... ... then watched with glee as Frosty turned into a slushy pile.

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul …
but little Karen was a girl whose heart was black as coal.
She lured him to a greenhouse with her dimpled, precious smile …
… then watched with glee as Frosty turned into a slushy pile.


___________

Jonathan Kieran’s (as-yet-untitled) new novel, an epic supernatural thriller, is now finished and slated for release in late Spring 2014. Look for news about the release here and at Amazon.com in the coming weeks and months.

Jonathan is also the author of the classically appointed Rowan Blaize series of modern fairy-tales and novels. Visit Jonathan Kieran’s Official Facebook Page and give it a “Like,” if you are so inclined. Meanwhile …

Escape the Imminent Collapse of Civilization, if only for a few hours. A sweeping modern fairy-tale is born with the Rowan Blaize series of books. Click on the book covers to the right or have a look below …

Watch the Rowan Blaize Book Trailer HERE.

Book One = The magical cornerstone – a lavishly illustrated epic narrative poem … a genuine “spell” for the young and young-at-heart to treasure for a lifetime, telling the story of sorcerer Rowan Blaize’s battle to regain his magic powers. (Think Beowulf-meets-Dr.Seuss or an epic story-in-verse of a scope similar to Tolkien’s soon-to-be-released The Fall of Arthur, only contemporary.)

Book Two = The rip-roaring novel that continues the adventures of Rowan Blaize and introduces the three hilarious witches of the Ancient City, along with its dysfunctional werewolves, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, dryads, banshees and a beauty pageant brat that just might destroy the world.

Book Three = The next novel that finds Rowan trapped by a spell in another world, caught between a faery-squashing sorceress who’ll stop at nothing to conquer the kingdom … and a feisty teenage prince who’s determined to get it back.

Click here to purchase the Kindle e-books and watch a video of Jonathan discussing his work.
__________________________________________
Barnes and Noble
IndieBound
Books-A-Million
Rowan Blaize Official Website
Goodreads

Hate when the Mormon lady critiques my selections at the movie-rental counter! #awkward

I can only imagine what the DVD/Video purveyor thinks of me when I barge into our tiny, local Mom & Pop shop on occasion and, after half an hour of milling-around and scrutinizing titles, end-up selecting a heap of the most disparate films imaginable to pile on the countertop. That’s how I roll, when it comes to film.

storeitself

Maybe (make that “Likely”) it’s just me, but I start feeling more than a tad self-conscious about the wildly diverse nature of my selections when the cheerful, lace-collared Mormon clerk, ostensibly for the sake of small-town friendliness (or perhaps for sheer lack of anything more interesting to do), feels compelled to discuss each of my viewing choices as she checks them against her computer inventory. Whatever the reason, I can’t stand it when she’s working the place and I always dread that awkward ritual. It creates uncomfortable scenes, because then I feel obligated to explain my picks. Why can’t she just go hunt my movies down in the back room, ring the damn things up, and stare in malignant silence as if every customer were a pestilential inconvenience, like the teenagers do when they work the counter? But noooooo:

“Oh! I see you’ve rented Chariots of Fire! Now, isn’t that just one of the great classics that doesn’t seem to get the appreciation it deserves these days? So full of humanity. So rich in moral triumph. So inspiring!”

“Um … Yeah. It’s … well, it’s a truly archetypal elucidation of the brutal courage of the human spirit captured in one incomparable cinematic narrative.”

“Oh, I’ll say it is! And look at this. You’ve also picked … Why, it’s House of 1000 Corpses. Well, now, that’s a startling image on the cover there, isn’t it? With a sort of skinned skull staring out from what looks like a kind of mucous membrane, or possibly the lining peeled from someone’s eviscerated intestines. And then there’s that rivulet of blood dribbling down onto the woman’s heaving breasts, there. Hmmm. Now. Isn’t that something.”

vidlady

“I … er … um … it’s … uh … one of Rob Zombie’s productions and I … well … for me he seems to grasp, by his unique use of imagery, certain otherwise overlooked aspects of the metaphysical quandary posed by the graphic depiction of human slaughter, and I … um …”

“Oh, sure. Sure! That quandary. Well, we all wonder about that, don’t we? Sure we do. Okie-dokie, let’s have a looky-loo at what else you’ve got in this stack today? Awww … Anne of Green Gables! That’s just one of the most adorable and wholesome stories ever told, what with Colleen Dewhurst as ‘Marilla’ and Richard Farnsworth as ‘Matthew’ and that wonderful little girl–I forget what the heck her name is–who played ‘Anne.’ This must be for your little girl at home! Oh, how old is your little girl? She’s going to love this! You know, I played this for my daughters when they were about eight or nine and it opened up a whole new world of imagination and reading for them. Why, it was just …”

anne marilla

“Um. Well, I don’t have a daughter, you see, I … um …”

“Oh?”

“No, I … see … I grew up only five miles from the Canadian border, and this series was filmed in Canada when I was still a kid, where the story itself originated, and the program was pretty much a cultural phenomenon for anyone remotely connected with Canada. Like a national treasure, really, and huge? Whah! Man, it was Star Wars huge … I mean, if you were Canadian, or pseudo-Canadian, so … um … the movie possesses a considerable nostalgic value for people like me who grew-up around the place and time it was made, therefore I like to revisit that sort of …”

“Of course you do. Sure! I understand. Look, we’ve all got our touchstones, right? Personally, I couldn’t watch a movie featuring that lovely Green Gables farm and then switch right over to a house full of a million corpses, but to each his own, I say.”

“It’s … um … a thousand corpses.”

“What?”

“A thousand corpses. It’s House of 1000 Corpses. Not a million. I mean, that’d be a lot of corpses for one house, don’t you think? Still, I could envision a thousand corpses being contained in just one house, depending upon how they were stacked and stored, mind you. Now, take a house like Anne’s at Green Gables, you know? That house, to me, could hold a thousand corpses, no problem, what with the upstairs bedrooms and that cute little parlor, there, where Anne invites Diana Barry over for tea and there follows the ill-fated Raspberry Cordial incident? Yeah, you could stuff some bodies in that room. Not to mention Marilla’s root cellar, which is only alluded to, I realize. And then there’s Matthew’s barn, but then I suppose you get into the question of whether the barn can be considered a part of the actual house or merely as a dependency of the house, and that’s a matter of debate, so when it comes to corpses and storing them …”

“I … I see. Yes. Yes, I absolutely understand. It’s … it’s … it’s a question of space, really, isn’t it?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“Well, um … heh heh. Let me go and find these videos for you and I’ll be right back as soon as I can …”

“Wait, you forgot these last two I’d like to rent!”

“There’s more, are there?”

“Yeah. I’ve got Fried Green Tomatoes with Kathy Bates and Jessica Tandy, and … oh, yeah–John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. You know, where Divine eats the dog turd in the climactic scene?”

divine

“I … uh … (gulp). Say, have you ever considered Netflix, sir? I hear they have some wonderful services for the viewer of exceptionally eclectic tastes.”

“But don’t you want my business as a small-town video emporium struggling to compete with the corporate monoliths that threaten your very livelihood?”

“Oh, sure. Sure! I’ll get this line-up of movies for you today, no worries, but you should know that the owners are about to retire from the business.”

“My gosh, really? When?”

“This afternoon.”

“This afternoon?! Uh … I had no idea. No one in town has said anything. When did this decision come about?”

“Today.”

“I see. I suppose it’s going to take you awhile to find all of these movies in your stock room, huh?”

“Probably, sir.”

“So, I’ll have time to, say, run over to the corner market and pick up a few things while you look, won’t I?”

vidlady

“Probably, sir.”

“And the door to the shop will be locked and the ‘CLOSED’ sign’ll be in the window when I get back, won’t it?”

“Definitely, sir.”