Category: HazMat Headline Du Jour
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Devotion crosses centuries for eager Egyptian statue. #badtasteistimeless
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Ancient Egyptian Statue Moves By Itself In Museum Case: Curators Stumped! by JONATHAN KIERAN RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: Curators of the Manchester Museum in England are flabbergasted by the way an ancient Egyptian statue appears to be…
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Ever had a bone to pick with the whole #onlinedating thing? You’re not alone.
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Iowa Man Attempts to Sell Antique Coffin on Craigslist — Complete with Skeleton! posted by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9. Rumors are circulating that this strange transaction was originally written as a MISC ROMANCE…
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When Space Oddities Attack: #Hubble Telescope sees ALL
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Hubble Space Telescope Picks Up Giant Space Penguin (And Other Galactic Anomalies) by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Surely this Giant Space Penguin is yet another astrological sign of the Coming Chastisement of Creation…
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Don’t worry, fellow #doglovers: Doris Day & Betty White have been alerted and they are ON IT!
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Activists Target Dog-Meat Festival in China by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 10 (Can’t the Chinese just go back to eating rodents, like normal people? Can’t they lick each other’s eyeballs and call it a…
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And you think YOUR kids are bored? They’re licking #eyeballs in Japan. #headlines
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Eyeball-Licking Fad Latest Proof of Japanese Insanity by JONATHAN KIERAN CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9 (Not quite as twisted as Howl’s Moving Castle … worse than seppuku) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: I’m going to be brutally honest, here.…
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Have you witnessed a Crime against Beauty? Don’t hesitate to call 911. #headlines #satire
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: British Man Calls Police to Complain About Ugly ‘Lady of the Evening’ CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 0 (All citizens should be as well-informed about their rights as this Birmingham gentleman when it comes to the scourge…
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Who says workplace naps won’t keep the $$$ in circulation? Job-Snoozing is THE LOOK. #headlines
POP HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: German Bank Employee Falls Asleep on Keyboard, Accidentally Transfers Millions CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 0 (Naps are the ANSWER to cultural disintegration across the globe! Join the happy crusade!) RUDIMENTARY ANALYSIS: A few weeks back, I…
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Look skinny in your coffin with Seattle quack’s new “Air, Water & Sunlight” Diet! #satire #headlines
HAZMAT HEADLINE DU JOUR: Look Skinny in Your Coffin with Seattle Quack’s Hot New “Air, Water & Sunlight” Diet! CULTURAL TOXICITY QUOTIENT: 9 (Today’s Emergency-Level CTQ has been assigned due to the obviously pervasive and bereft state of spiritual fulfillment…
Jonathan Kieran 